I should start by saying I have not been diagnosed with PTSD nor am I asking anyone here to diagnose me, that's not why I am here. I very much hesitate to see my doctor about the issues I am having as there really are no support options available in my small town and I really don't want it in my medical record for now.
Almost ten years ago, not long after the painful breakup of my first serious relationship, I met a woman who seemed to fit everything I needed at the time. She was caring, fun, listened, and was very supportive. A family member knew her and warned me but I thought I knew what I was getting in to. After the first amazing year or so the mutual conversations about our lives started to shift more to her life and my issues began to be problems for her. Over time she pushed me more and more out of her real life but I didn't see it; kind of like the frog in boiling water. I thought I was being loyal and committed by sticking with her, I sincerely thought I loved her and possibly did. I didn't realize she was very much a narcissist or even what that was. Then the mental and emotional abuse began (as was confirmed by a psychiatrist later though never followed up on).
I need to stop...
Every time I try to think back through what happened my mind turns into a mess. It's as though the memories are all just flashes that cycle through like a slide-projector too fast for me to latch on or really see. It's all just a blur of... pain? I don't know what it is I feel really, I just know it terrifies me.
About a year after all of the above started I injured my L5-S1 disc at work. It was a progressive injury that just meant more and more physical pain as time went on. Compensation approved then denied my claim a week later which led to my employer firing me while claiming I quit. At the same time my relationship rapidly ended since I really wasn't very useful; I couldn't be as supportive of her anymore since I had my own very serious issues. Through this she was pitting my friends against me and seemed to do everything she could to isolate me. *need to stop again- I am a mess...*
Over the span of three months I lost my job, my friends, my apartment, my car, my mobility, and abruptly ended my abusive relationship. I attempted suicide *painful to write* on New Years Eve of that year but still woke up the next day. What followed was a five year battle with Compensation to get my claim approved while being bullied by my case worker every time we had contact. My claim was finally approved, the only bright spot in the last 8 years, but it led to no real help.
I was forced to move in with my parents after New Years though I wish I had known ahead of time that my father showed many of the same tendencies as my ex or vise-versa. Now that he is retired and around all the time I have to avoid him; my reaction to him when he does some of the same things she did are volatile to say the least. I can't help it, it's as though I am flooded with the fight reflex and my only option is to mentally push it back for a moment and walk away. I really don't know what would happen if I didn't walk away though I am sure I would be homeless. I now live in severe pain and medicated every day on the same property as my likely narcissistic father with no escape as I can't drive and am 5-6 miles from a small town that closes at 6pm *sigh*. Needless to say, I lack local friends and people to talk to.
And so here I am, likely just so I could write that all out where someone who might understand at least a little bit would see it.
Almost ten years ago, not long after the painful breakup of my first serious relationship, I met a woman who seemed to fit everything I needed at the time. She was caring, fun, listened, and was very supportive. A family member knew her and warned me but I thought I knew what I was getting in to. After the first amazing year or so the mutual conversations about our lives started to shift more to her life and my issues began to be problems for her. Over time she pushed me more and more out of her real life but I didn't see it; kind of like the frog in boiling water. I thought I was being loyal and committed by sticking with her, I sincerely thought I loved her and possibly did. I didn't realize she was very much a narcissist or even what that was. Then the mental and emotional abuse began (as was confirmed by a psychiatrist later though never followed up on).
I need to stop...
Every time I try to think back through what happened my mind turns into a mess. It's as though the memories are all just flashes that cycle through like a slide-projector too fast for me to latch on or really see. It's all just a blur of... pain? I don't know what it is I feel really, I just know it terrifies me.
About a year after all of the above started I injured my L5-S1 disc at work. It was a progressive injury that just meant more and more physical pain as time went on. Compensation approved then denied my claim a week later which led to my employer firing me while claiming I quit. At the same time my relationship rapidly ended since I really wasn't very useful; I couldn't be as supportive of her anymore since I had my own very serious issues. Through this she was pitting my friends against me and seemed to do everything she could to isolate me. *need to stop again- I am a mess...*
Over the span of three months I lost my job, my friends, my apartment, my car, my mobility, and abruptly ended my abusive relationship. I attempted suicide *painful to write* on New Years Eve of that year but still woke up the next day. What followed was a five year battle with Compensation to get my claim approved while being bullied by my case worker every time we had contact. My claim was finally approved, the only bright spot in the last 8 years, but it led to no real help.
I was forced to move in with my parents after New Years though I wish I had known ahead of time that my father showed many of the same tendencies as my ex or vise-versa. Now that he is retired and around all the time I have to avoid him; my reaction to him when he does some of the same things she did are volatile to say the least. I can't help it, it's as though I am flooded with the fight reflex and my only option is to mentally push it back for a moment and walk away. I really don't know what would happen if I didn't walk away though I am sure I would be homeless. I now live in severe pain and medicated every day on the same property as my likely narcissistic father with no escape as I can't drive and am 5-6 miles from a small town that closes at 6pm *sigh*. Needless to say, I lack local friends and people to talk to.
And so here I am, likely just so I could write that all out where someone who might understand at least a little bit would see it.
