Relationship Lost And Confused

[LostOne83]

My boyfriend and I of almost 6 years recently separated because he is a military veteran and admitted to me that he needs help for PTSD. Of course I didn't want to separate but we agreed that space between the both of us was what would be best right now.

I want to be there for him but I guess he feels that he needs to do this on his own. I have reassured him that I am here for him and support him and just because we are separated that it doesn't mean that I am giving up on him or our relationship or that I don't love and care for him. He has taken the first step and has gone to the VA hospital to set up appointments. His first appointment isn't until the end of May because they are backed up until then(not surprising with the military).

Even though we are separated we talk almost on a daily basis still, we still help each other financially and still consider ourselves together just on a break. When we've talked about it he said it wasn't me he just needed some time to himself to figure himself out and do things for him. It's not for him to go out and talk and see other people. I want to be there when he starts his treatment in june(he is in Texas and I am now in Maryland with my family) but he said he doesn't know yet.

I've been reading up A LOT on PTSD to understand more what he's going through and I understand that isolation and distance is a big part of it and keep telling myself he isn't acting the way he is because he wants to but because of this disorder that he has. We said that we were going to give ourselves a couple of months space so that he can get his treatment and get his mind straight and than we will try again to build our relationship to how it was.

I am also going to start seeing a counselor while I am here to help myself. I am still having hope for this situation especially since he hasn't completely shut me out. But at times I still feel lost and confused, can anyone please give me some insight if they have been through a similar situation it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Shatteredpan]

That's rough... it's always difficult when someone you love is ill, and it can be harder if they feel they need their space...

Sometimes, I need a lot of space from my husband. It has nothing to do with how much I love him- he's a great husband. But PTSD makes it very hard to deal with people. Dealing with people can cause a lot of internal anxieties and conflicts... It can be triggering, even if the people we're around aren't triggering in and of themselves. He probably really does just need some time to figure out and learn how to cope with his disorder. He is seeking treatment, so hopefully, things will improve for you guys...

Hope that helped a little, sorry if I made things worse lol

 

[Justmehere]

For what it is worth, which I know may not be much, it sounds like you both are doing a lot that is right and very healthy. It’s great that he is getting into treatment and that you are getting support too. I think that if this relationship is meant to be, you are both doing a lot of very hard and very good things that can to make it work out well in the long run.

I know you want to be there when he starts treatment, but it also may be best for his treatment and healing process to go quicker for you to let him have that space. There are times in treatment where I really can’t connect with loved ones. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much I care about them. It’s just that I lose any capacity to connect with people I really care about while engaging the treatment process at times. It’s hard to explain. Trauma is pretty mind boggling. Processing trauma can really turn the way I view the world upside down. Sometimes I need the space just to get the courage to keep going through treatment.

After I take some space, and I work hard in the treatment, I usually can re-connect, and often on a much deeper level. Even after I completely shut people out.

I know none of this takes away the pain of what you are both going through. Hang in there and keep taking it one day and one step at a time.

 

[LostOne83]

Thank you Justmehere. At first I thought I was doing the wrong thing by leaving but the more I read on here it seems like space is the best thing for him right now even though I do want to be there for him. It also helps me knowing that he has not completely shut me out like I have read some people on here do.

When we had said goodbye I asked if we were going to be ok and he told me yes and I told him that why did it feel like what i was doing was wrong and he told me it wasn't.

When we made our decision for the break he wanted me to stay in Texas at the house we lived in together and he would go stay somewhere else but I told him if that's what he wanted to do that I needed the support of my family and maybe it was better if I went home. So he did not want me to leave, I made that decision.

Your positiveness means a lot since most people can be negative since they do not understand the aspects of what PTSD are. It's not just a normal relationship situation that people do not want to be together anymore.

I wanna be that crazy girlfriend who texts him all the time and be like 'why aren't you talking to me?' but I know that will just drive him away more and I give him his space, sometimes I don't even text him at all. I feel he appreciates it too because when I do that he seems more responsive. I hope I can keep this up and keep doing the right thing because I love him with all my heart and know he is the one.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer myself.

I know this is quite difficult for you, however I think that both you AND your partner are approaching this in a very healthy way. I know that in the best of circumstances that he wouldn't need this space, but the PTSD monster comes along and we must deal in the best way we know how. I hope that by saying this, you can find a bit of reassurance in these difficult times. Again, I know it's not easy, but please know that the both of you are taking healthy steps toward healing at this time.

Please keep posting! You can find a lot of support here on the forums.

 

[ghotiff]

Giving him space is a such loving and supportive gesture.

To reduce the impact on you, maybe you can write in a diary all your feelings, or post here and ask for support when you get those feelings.

 

[LostOne83]

I know it's the hardest thing I've had to do ESP after being together everyday for the past four years. I just let my thoughts get the best of me and I need to stop that. I know he's not doing anything he's not supposed to he's just taking this time for himself and if I do ask him things he comes right out and tells me, doesn't try to cover it up.

It's good to find other people who are going through the same thing and I'm not alone even though it's a hard thing to have to go through. I just keep faith and hope and pray every night. Like people say its not easy but I know that it'll be worth it in the end and I hope this does show him just how much I truly love and care for him by sticking with him through this.

I appreciate you guys and the positive feedback. When I was explaining to friends of what we were going through it seemed like everyone was so negative about it. And of course I got the reaction of are you sure you want to stay. I know this isn't something he can control and I know this isn't 'him'. I know this is the time he needs the most support and that's what I am going to give him. He has given me no reason to give up on him or us and I don't plan on it.