FindingOneselfAgain
New Here
I don't even know where to begin. I feel so lost and confused by all this. A little background on my situation. My husband and I have been married for 19 years later this month. We have had a rough road. We went through years of my husband being an alcoholic trying to deal with things. 5 years ago he got clean and now PTSD has reared its ugly head. I noticed now about 2 years ago things began changing in him but neither one of us knew what was really going on. He always seemed stressed and angry at the world. January last year things changed dramatically with him. He would not come home at night, no phone call nothing. Of course in my mind I'm thinking he is cheating on me because early on in our marriage he did. About 6 months ago he told me he was seeing a therapist and he was diagnosed as having PTSD. Well he stopped seeing his therapist as he felt it wasn't working for him and that he goes to a support group for PTSD instead. A year ago he had said he wanted a divorce but did not go through with it. Than about a month ago he says he wants a legal separation. He has been under a lot of stress at work and I think being home too gives him stress. An example being last night our son was messing around with him and the batteries fell out of the remote and into my husbands chair. He called me over to help him find them, says he doesn't want to move for fear they would fall further into his chair and says he can't handle any stress. He sent me a text message about 3 weeks ago telling me that he can't fix us at the moment because all of his strength is going into work. He leaves the house a lot, is hardly ever home. Does not tell me where he is going and I am not to ask. It causes him anxiety he says. If I try to talk with him about us or tell him I miss him and us it sends him further down the rabbit hole so to speak. He does not express his feelings or what is going on with him. He has been very private. I feel like I am pushing him further away from me but how do you not take any of what he is doing personal. Yesterday he tells me to appease me because he has been gone so much he is giving up his group therapy and AA meeting this week. I told him no way I would never want him to do that. I respect the fact he needs those and to never think he needed to do that. He will send me a text message saying maybe this weekend we can do this. Well than the weekend comes and he ends ups making other plans to leave and do something with his friends. The feeling I get is he ok being around his friends but he is not ok when he is around me. How do you not take this personal and think is it me, what have I done. In a prior discussion, months ago, he told me home is where he fell. Like I said this all has been going on for a little over a year now, does it ever get better and how can I make it better. I have such fear my marriage is over and it is hard for me to comprehend. I am going to begin therapy for myself in another 2 weeks. That was the soonest I could get in. I know I need to take care of myself but I would also like to think I could try and salvage my marriage.
