Relationship Lost And Heartbroken

[AloneNLost]

Let me start by saying I am a lurker on here. I have read a lot of post trying to find hope and guidance. I mostly just need to talk to someone who understands. My husband has PTSD he had it when we got together from being military. It wasn’t bad then. About 3 years into our relationship after a layoff he went into the EMS field. Since his PTSD has gotten so much worse. He goes to the VA once a year just to keep his pills but won't really talk to anyone. We have been together for almost 8 years now and it’s getting bad I no longer know what to do.

Last year he got out of control and left me and the kids to go live with a younger woman from his work that he had been cheating with. He was gone for over 6 months when he came back and we worked through everything. He made promises to do better and be more open and get help. He is back to drinking everyday starting as early as he can and continuing until he falls asleep. He has a porn addiction and anger issues. I let a lot slide but draw the line with some stuff as I deserve to be respected the same as I give him. If I mention that I hurt or feel anyway I am being a witch and everything has to be my way.

We have talked and he says he has bad thoughts all the time it is why he won't talk to anyone because he thinks they will put him away. We have a son with PTSD from a incident who is in therapy regularly. We have talked as a family and my sons therapist says that they feed off of each other and trigger eaches PTSD. I am to step in a try to defuse the situation between them. When I do though my husband says I am taking the kids side all the time and not having his back. My husband has been to the therapist with us and heard her say I am to step in but this never matters in his attack on me.

My husband says he doesn't think he can ever talk to me cause I can’t understand what he sees and deals with at work so I will never understand him. He says that because of this he doesn't think he will ever be content and happy in our relationship. He says his issues with us are 1 he can’t talk to me, 2 his drinking, 3 his work habits, 4 his PTSD making him agitated toward the kids and me.

I know these are choices he is making and not something out of his control. I know there is nothing I can do to make him want to stay around. I no longer try other than to make sure he knows I love him and accept him and support him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to keep fighting and holding on and part of me wants to tell him to go so he can be free of the decision anymore. So he no longer has to worry everyday that his staying is making his family hurt that is what he says. That him being with us causes more harm than good.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

By the looks of it, it seems to tell me that your veteran isn't seeing a therapist himself, or is refusing to. Is this true? Because fact of the matter is, if he is getting this bad and aggressive to the point where your children are getting affected, then he either needs to make a conscious effort to stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for his actions, or he needs to leave. If this was a situation that just involved you and him, it would be easier, but since this also involves your children, this is a much harder situation.

Fact of the matter is, his behavior is impacting your children and that will affect their future. Children are very sensitive to other people's emotions, and a verbally aggressive/abusive father will only add to their stress and add another possible trauma memory to your child suffering from PTSD. Your husband doesn't seem to realize that you are siding with your children because they are /children/. They are impressionable and easily overwhelmed and powerless, while he is not. He is an adult. It seems that he does acknowledge his problems with drinking and struggling to speak about his traumas, that's the first step. But if he does not seek professional help, it might get worse.

In this situation, the best thing to do in this case seems to be an ultimatum. It will hurt to do so. A lot. But it's either you insist that he gets therapy on a regular basis (rather than this once a year VA meeting, which is /not enough/ to help him confront and heal from his trauma) or it spirals down. Make it clear to him that you do love him - you support him and care about him, and you do want to see him get better. But if he thinks that he can't talk to anyone like he says he does, then he needs to seek help from someone he can speak to. Tell him that you're willing to hear him out, no matter how bad it sounds, but you're not willing to be subjected to verbal abuse or the verbal abuse of your children. It's important to diffuse situations between your husband and your child, and between you and him, but in this case, it's probably easier to have your child walk away with you from the situation. For example, if your partner starts triggering him, tell him that you and your child are going to go to the store and be back later. Tell him you will not engage in a conversation with him if he is angry. Set boundaries. You love him, but you also love yourself. He may initially get angry and frustrated, but over time, if every time he gets angry you respond with you and your child leaving or refusing to engage with him, he will learn over time that anger will not garner any kind of attention from either of you.

This situation seems very tough, friend, and I do appologize for what you're going through. Ultimately, I'm no expert. But I hope that things get better for you. :)

 

[AloneNLost]

By the looks of it, it seems to tell me that your veteran isn't seeing a therapist himself, o...

He doesn't even like to talk about getting help when I mention it he mentions that we need to figure us out first. He wont ever say what he wants just asks what I want. If I think we should divorce. I guess I will have to be the one to make the decision. It is hard to do because I know that we could be great together as we are each others best friend but I can not do it alone he has to want it and try also. He has to get help or he will never be happy and live the life he wants and deserves.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

He doesn't even like to talk about getting help when I mention it he mentions that we need to figure...

It does seem to be a very hard predicament that you're both in. It would be helpful to tell him that you want to work on the both of them, but that the fact of the matter is, a relationship requires the consistent effort and willingness to communicate on both parties, and that if he is refusing to communicate, then there's nothing either of you can do. He is clearly hurt and his hurt releases pent up anger and frustration on both you and your child, and his refusal to get professional help will only have him worsen.

Present the concept of therapy and what would make YOU happy (if he is so concerned about what you want as you say he is) and say that it would truly benefit the family if he helped himself first, rather than insisting to focus on the both of you. Because in a relationship, if one end is conflicted, hurt and unable to properly cope, then nothing will be worked on, because one party is too focused on their own pain. Be gentle. Be supportive. Understand that he is going through a lot of anger and fear. Be gentle when saying that you want him to seek a therapist. You love and care for him, and you want him to personally heal. You want to know what you can do as a partner to help, and you know that there are some things that simply cannot be dealt with without learning grounding and coping methods from a professional.

Him trying to deflect the idea of therapy happens a lot in many PTSD suffers. It's frightening to confront the idea that you need to get help. But if he keeps being aggressive and triggering your child and falling on bad work behaviors and substance abuse, this isn't something you should deal with, ptsd or not.