Sufferer Lost my son to leukemia

[outbidinya]

I have the most Beautiful wife in world.a 3 Year old son that looks just like his Daddy.We are a Christ centerd Family.Nice little house on corner lot..I have almost every reason in the world to be happy..

I have struggled with depression since smoking crack when I was 14...I think my ptsd started when I was robbed and shot in the head..I think I was 21 when that happend but I'm not sure.I struggled with alcohol and hard drug abuse most of my life!!

When In 2007 I was reconnected with a girl I had crush on when I was probally 10..she had a 4 year old son named Kobe..First time I meet Kobe he feel asleep in my arms..And I knew I was meant to be his daddy..We would be married 6 months later..I had quite all the drugs cold turkey about 2 months before we reconnected and started smoking pot..the Drinking still hung around and a marijuana habit that I had acquired..We found out we were pregnant with twins later that year and winded up delivering still born twins...Had 2 miscarriages trying to get pregnant again..I went back into self destruct mode for some time.After awhile I quite Drinking,quit smoking pot..For the first time in my life I felt really good about Life,About our dreams as a family!!

In 2013 we got pregnant again and this one was going great..when we were 6 months along our oldest son was diagnosed with Leukemia and we moved into the children's hospital..That was oct 3rd 2013..Dec 10th my wife went into labor while still living at the hospital..During delivery My wife and the baby went into distress..Her uterus ruptured and they had to do a emergency C section..Lane was lifeless when the pulled him out..Cord was wapped around his neck..Not breathing and didn't have a heartbeat..When Brandy's uterus reputed it blew a hole in her blatter..Didn't look like she was gonna make it.If I had of been standing on a building I would have jumped!.The got my sons heart beating and put him on a breathing machine..He started having seizures and hemmorhging blood..He was sent to another hospital in the angel unit!!My wife was in surgery for 5 hrs but she was fine..Thank God..She spend 8 days hospital..Lane spend 14 days in Nicu at another hospital all while my 11 year old was taking intense Chemo and fighting for his life at another hospital..On Dec 24 2013 we all got to go home for Christmas..That was the Last Christmas we would have with out son!!On The morning of May 14th 2014 I picked up my 11 year old son and laid him in the back of a Cadillac..Harded thing I ever did...That thought plays on repeat in my mind almost all day.

It is very hard to be happy..Our life is really good for the most part.But I still think about killing myself 100 or more times a day..I don't think I ever would..I just hate that I think about it so much...I don't drink much anymore but I have been struggling with pot again..I feel like it helps me tremendously.I feel happy when I smoke a little..Suicidal thought are gone....I don't dwell on the intrusive thoughts I have..They are in and out!!.I enjoy things like I use to..Like building stuff..Landscaping!.

My wife dosent approve of me smoking so here I am back to being depressed all the time.She doesn't like me depressed...She doesn't want me to take medication either..I guess I am just suppose to wait on God to fix me again.I pray that he will..Does anyone know of any natural things that will help?

I know I have wrote a bunch..It is just so hard to live like this!.I love my Family and just want to live again!I feel like my life is not worth living anymore.I know my wife feels the same way and that breaks my heart even more..I really just want her and my son to be happy!!

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome to the forum. You did an amazing job talking it about it. My big trauma is somewhat similar to yours and even though it will have been 15 years in a couple of weeks I still can't talk about it. I am just now getting to a place where I want to live again.

It is f*cking hard, and you can't make your self enjoy life when you have suffered such loss. Cutting out sugar was one of the most surprising things that really helped. That meant all sugars simple and complex like from grains, rice and potatoes. Animal products, low glycemic fruits and vegetables only. It takes about two weeks to see a noticeable difference.

Vitamins. I always suggest getting a blood test done first. See what you are low on. There are many different supplements and I would recommend talking to someone at your local health food store. Never buy supplements that you haven't researched the brand first.

There aren't really medications for PTSD just things to treat the symptoms like anxiety or nightmares. Therapy is the number one reliable way to treat it. It doesn't happen over night, and it's hard work but the long term benefits are worth it.

In the meantime, no one can tell you how you should or shouldn't be feeling. Just because your wife doesn't want you do be depressed doesn't mean you have any control over that. You may be experiencing stuck grief like myself. That requires therapy.

It f*cking hurts and the path to feeling better isn't a straight path, it is a crazy roller coaster where you will feel like you are making progress and then it drops twists turns and drops some more before you start climbing back up again. It starts to level out eventually, but you have to give your self permission to feel all those horrible feelings without masking it. Scream, break things (non valuable and not near anyone) Purge it until your throat is raw and you can't speak for days, from crying out that it isn't fair. Cheap wine glasses that you can get at the Dollar Store. Smashing them always makes me feel better.

Music helps. Offsprings song Goneaway is one of my go to songs when I need to purge.

Glad you found us.

 

[outbidinya]

Thank you so much for your reply!!We eat pretty healthy and tend to stay away from added sugars..especially artificial..we eat pretty much everything organic and juice quit a bit and workout daily..It has been awhile since I was on a daily vitamin..I will for sure start it back..Once again thanks

 

[MaggieRose6117]

I'm no expert (at anything!), but what has helped me a lot over the years with anxiety and depression is meditation. At first it was really hard, I put too much pressure on myself, expected my mind to quieten down, etc. Now I know that acceptance is a huge part of meditation - watching the intrusive thoughts come and go, like waves on a beach. I can now meditate for an hour a day and I feel so much better. If I don't meditate, I feel the difference. The other day, a car cut in front of me and almost caused a smash, and my heart-rate didn't even go up because I had meditated the night before. I struggled for three years coming off benzodiazepines cold turkey after taking them for over 20 years. I had to relearn to walk and talk properly. I shook and trembled for three years and even now I still have bad days. But I have my personality back! I also exercise every day, which helps. I jog now. I'm not a great jogger and I have a slipped disc, but just 20 minutes a day is enough to give you endorphins to keep you happy for 24 hours. You feel strong and in control. Whatever exercise works for you, you can consider trying. It's addictive in a good way (also takes time to get into, like meditation).
These things have saved me from alcoholism, craziness and misery. :)
I am sorry you've been through such hell. I truly am. I wish you healing, love and compassion.

 

[outbidinya]

Yeah I Belive working out helps out tons..I work out daily..I agree with the Meditation thing..Meditation for me was my prayer time Before My son got sick..Living in the cancer unit at the children's hospital for 90 days .Did something terrible to me..You would not believe what these kids go though.It is a living hell.Kobe went from being kid that was happy and perfectly healthy to Not being able to Walk,Not be able to control Bodly functions.He had to have a cath in for 4 months.weekly spinal taps.And blood transfusions..and all from that stupid Chemo...When they told us that the Chemo wasn't working anymore.They said we could do a week of intense Chemo that chances are he would not make it through or we could just do nothing and let the cancer take its course..We decinded to take our son home so he could be a Big Brother to Lane..We started hollistic treatments and started juicing 12 drinks a day for him.We built him back up..He started walking again..Eventually got the catheter out..I am thankful he got to be a Kid again before he passed!!I really want to pray and meditate ,and I do ,It's just quick..I can't close my eyes for long..Sleeping is almost impossible without benodyrol or Smoking pot.One minute I'm praying or Meditating and the next I'm thinking something so bad I need to repent for..Sometime when I close my eyes a feel like I can see demons chasing me!!..I probally should have mentioned this before but I am also undiagnosed with ptsd..I really just don't put much Faith in doctors at this point in my life!

 

[MaggieRose6117]

It seems to me that you are very, very, hard on yourself. You should probably give yourself a break. There is nothing worse or more destructive than guilt. Whatever you have done in the past is gone - you can't do anything about it. If you are not coping in the present - don't beat yourself up about it, accept it. Accept yourself. Say it aloud! This helped me, too. I used to feel guilty about all sorts of things, but you know what? If you are a person of faith, you are doubtless already forgiven. And if you're not, then your guilt is probably about feeling you're not good enough. But you know what? You are. If you can't meditate - no problem - accept it. Do what you can today, for 24 hours. This works for me. Sure, I still have some problems, etc., but all I have to manage is 24 hours, and the thoughts I have within those 24 hours. Being present and mindful is great, but if I can't manage it on a given day, I accept that, too. Do you have anyone to talk to, like a grief counsellor? Sounds to me like you're still feeling a lot of grief. When my dad passed away in December my grief counsellor told me to write a letter to him telling him everything I was thinking and feeling. That helped some. Just hang in there.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Are you able to legally get CBD oil or tinctures in your area? Some places have it legally available, some don't. Perhaps you could try it out if it is available and see if it helps as much as smoking the cannabis. Maybe if it's legally available and is helpful, your wife will chill out and be more accepting. I look forward to the day we can grow our own and be able to juice/ingest/smoke or whatever the hell we wish to do with it. It infuriates me to know so many things could be helped by it and the f*ckers purposely keep it out of reach and steadily build up their for profit prison systems with people trying to find relief. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...........but that train of thought is for another thread.

Things that help me hold on to the little bit of sanity I have left and better manage my symptoms of many things are: becoming a whole food plant-based vegan consumer (after over 4 decades of being a hardcore Standard American Diet "convenience" consumer - especially after learning of the path everything takes to get to the store shelves and my plate - no longer being okay with absorbing energies from the very unnecessary suffering and demise - and repeatedly and regularly disrupting the shit out of my endocrine system via all the artificial scents, colors, fragrances, sweeteners, not to mention the hormones and antibiotics and who knows what else being injected into the animals being used - I gave up meat, dairy, eggs, caffeine, alcohol, and highly processed artificial stuff), purposeful FUN daily movement (mini-trampoline and hula hoops and nature), breath work and breathing on purpose - no longer holding my breath and staying tensed up or breathing shallowly all the time as before (diaphragmatic, alternate nostril, and rhythmic breathing make a huge difference when practiced daily - and it's free and available 24/7 - oxygenate those cells and move that lymph! is what I remind myself of daily), and purposely and consciously redirect the ass-kicking rude overly judgemental harsh self-talk that seems to have become my default setting after years of being told and believing I was never good enough and reminded in some of the most horrific ways on a daily basis.

I also rely heavily on my daily herbal infusions and sun "teas" that include some soothing things like valerian root. In addition to my lemon and ginger root infusions. Mornings are for hydration only in my world now. Solid foods come around lunch time and after, and I try not to eat after 8ish at night. Stinging nettle, burdock root, thyme, red clover, yellow dock, wild plantain, etc. are some other favorites. Be very mindful of using herbs, essential oils, etc. They are medicinal and should be used and/or taken only after you clearly understand their purpose along with their risks and benefits and are fully aware of how to safely use them. They are nature's prescriptions and should be treated with much respect and awareness. I luckily live near an acupuncturist who is also a master herbalist and has her own apothecary. Yet another space I was able to benefit from the healing by doing a work and time exchange vs. having to pay cash or use insurance. Being able to learn directly and later use some of the knowledge on my own is incredibly self-empowering.

Our community formed a time bank set up that I feel literally saved my life by allowing me a chance to experience and explore many of the alternative/complementary things I'd been previously told by my hardcore christian family, many professionals I worked with in the mental health arena both as a professional colleague and as a patient, most insurance companies, along with many academic brains I mingled with, that it all was a bunch of malarkey and should be avoided at all costs. However, avoiding them so far seemed to be costing me life, too, so what did I have to lose?

Bartering my time and skills for healing opportunities added a whole new level of therapeutic benefits I wasn't expecting, like increasing self-worth while learning and being open to receiving. Things like iridology, acupuncture, chiropractor services, massage therapy, energy healing via reiki, a registered dietitian, a neurofeedback provider, sound healing via tibetan singing bowls and gongs, learning to safely forage for wild plant-based nutrition, etc., etc. Those were the very things that lifted me out of my almost bed ridden painful depressive ditch. I had to unlearn a whole lot of what I thought I knew and had been programmed to beLIEve to make room to learn the genuinely beneficial stuff as it relates to my particular biology. Wishing you well and much helpful and understanding support in your ongoing pursuit of relief. My sympathies to you and your wife in your heartbreaking losses. Hugs from my heart to yours.

 

[outbidinya]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my message!We tend to eat pretty clean.No vegan by no means though..We pretty much eat all organinc no food colors .perservitive or things like that...I for sure could eat better though...I have started drinking again..I had pretty much quit when I had my herbal supplements!I am to the point where I really hate drinking..it's a few Hours of feeling good followed by sever depression..worse than normal..I know I need to stop..But those few hours of being able to relax,laugh and smile feels good!..It's a vicious cycle!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I hear ya'. I'm still working hard on undoing a lifetime of resorting to my various choices of temporary relief and escape attempts, especially the ones I wasn't even aware of being attempts. A vicious cycle, indeed.