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Lost, Stuck, Frustrated

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DD, only you can make those decisions in regard to you health and financial situations. I guess from my POV, it's rare to ever see a person with PTSD maintain employment within a high stress position, instead those with PTSD who do work, often work with children for the therapeudic aspects, they work in non-profit, employment that requires little stress or interaction with the public, or they work for themselves to self manage stress and anxiety.

What I will say is this. In the above post you made, you are thinking for others, in that you are already making assumptions of what will happen if you talk with your superiors about your stress. I have no doubt the other two you mentioned did the same thing, so instead of discussion, they made their own decisions, decisions which could have turned out vastly different. Saying that though, you do need to be realistic and expect the worst if you do discuss this with your bosses.

I do believe though that when your ready to make decisions, before making them, you do discuss with your bosses about your stress and the impact it is having upon you, and your PTSD if you believe it needs to be brought into the discussion to help mediation along. I very well understand the employer and employee aspects, as I have also been on both sides of the fence personally.

What you do need to come to terms with now though, is that your using negative thinking styles by catastrophising the situation for more than what it is, being a decision that needs attention; you are personalising and blaming by using statements such as "failing", in that you can't fail at something that is out of your control... and you do not have control of your PTSD at present, thus you cannot be at fault, because you are suffering a known medical mental condition that comes with the effects your currently suffering and enduring... you have no control over your trauma at this point.

Your employment and financial status is something you and your partner must discuss rationally, and look at the effects upon your health and mental status, the overall impact on your relationship and so forth. You MUST discuss, NOT argue with your partner about this. Discussion needs two or more people to logically and calmly discuss a matter, not one or the other become angry or force their opinion or decision upon the other. Discussion must be a mutual decision including all the facts at hand.

Options are an important part of your decision making process, in that if once you have discussed with your employer about this, what options are available towards possible part-time hours for months to come whilst you tackle your trauma head on, and I do mean months, and employers must know this and accept it, and not think as they often will, a few weeks or a month and everything will be back to normal. If an employer is worth their weight, and the employee is worth the investment, then both parties can usually come to mutual satisfactory arrangements to appease both.

Are there further options, ie. you start up your own business, or wife, whilst you are still employed but struggling, to quickly provide some revenue stream so you can leave full-time employment. Can you take up what you want to do, as you have said you don't really like what your doing, so maybe now is a good time to see if you partner can help you start a business that you enjoy, or even both mutually enjoy, and can be worked at from a lesser scale that you are currently doing... thus reducing the stress.

Options, options, options... I am sure you can come up with a long list of them if you and your partner discuss them.
 
Anthony,
You are right about options. I guess i have to think a bit more positively.... Thanks for the words of wisdom!! I now feel more clear on what I have to do for myself, even though I know it wont happen right this instance, I have chosen a path. I feel much better.

Piglet,
The only person that really knows what I am going through is my spouse. I have to admit that I have been keeping this a secret to most people around me. I know how ignorant or judgemental people can be, even those who care about you. So to answer your question I havent talked to those around me, I am not sure I can.
 
DD, talking to those around us is a slow and progressive progress. I fully understand not shareing intimate traumatic details with my spouse, but I do not do it because of the severity of the traumas, I do not do it to protect her, I do not share those traumas with her because the sheer nature of them could have an impact upon her own mentality. I do keep specific trauma from those around me to protect them, not to shut them out. My wife knows certain parts of my trauma, and she reads bits I may mention here, but if I told her everything, its not about a change in perception towards me, its merely knowing that such things can happen, and to a person you love, their are consequences to knowledge at times, especially if your not capable to handle it. I don't believe my wife is capable to handle such things, and that is a decision I made on recognising specific traits within her emotional capabilities and reactions to normal daily trauma and events, especially those you see on the news. She gets upset seeing or hearing about a family being killed, events with children, let alone telling her specific details about these very things that I have seen or done.

Whilst I make specific judgement on what I tell my family and what I don't, it doesn't mean I have any secrets though, because I don't. I have released everything to people outside of my family circles, so instead of my trauma remaining inside my family circle, I have pushed those thoughts outside and shared with others who I know are not as affected knowing such details, and where the information is safe to not come back within my family circle.

Therapists, communities such as this, doctors, etc... all have there purposes, and when used effectively, you can move all your trauma out of yourself, and your family circle, with only more emotional level thoughts kept within the family circle, those personal discussions and acknowledgements that we have done wrong to our spouses or family, and we want to change to become better people, better spouses, better parents, better children to our parents, etc etc...

There is a lot of work to be done recovering from PTSD, and the individual makes the decisions to best suit themselves on what needs to go where, as long as the end result is all trauma is out, with no stone unturned, grief is made with the trauma and come to terms with the trauma, accept it as your past, accept it as a memory, don't ignore it any longer, and don't fear it any longer... embrace it and work with it, not against it. Life becomes so much better as you move through, constantly improving, seeing the benefits, and the light at the end starts to look brighter.

Keep up the great work mate... because your well and truly on the path to a better life now you want it.
 
wow... all but the mortgage banker part, I would have thought it was my husband talking. makes me realize that I need to be more supportive of him instead of kicking him while hes down. Thanks for saying what he couldnt.
 
It does help to read other peoples experiences, especially when they are so close to your own. I am glad you learned something from what I am going through. Hopefuly as I learn and understant more about what I am going through my posts might help you get more insight on what your husband is going through. Why not help each other out right? thats what we are here for.
 
Hi DD, although I am up still at 500am I did have a post about your comments on sleeping and waking up not knowing where you are and/or possibly feeling stress/anxiety about that.

One thing that has helped me when I wake is having a dim light on in the room in front of mine.

I am not sure whether you don't actually recognise your surroundings or simply cannot see. I know a long while back I used to be 'confused' in my mind and not know where I was, but as I need relatively strong glasses I don't have the luxury of taking in the surroundings too much till I put my glasses back on.

Regarding being up at 500 am I am trying to work out what that is...is it some residual anxiety...I can't say for sure. But it feels better this way than when I was taking meds before and not really being fully 'present' for anything.

I think it is something we just have to slowly work through...if you can't have a light on outside the room one of those nightlights you can plug directly into a socket (that are usually used in the room of new borns, so the parent can see, and the child is not left in total darkness) might be useful as you would see it and associate it with your surroundings quite quickly, I expect.
 
Hi Carp, what usually brings me back is the small flashing light of my cell phone charging. As soon as I see it, it brings me back. The thing is that I dont always charge it. Another thing I used to do but has been leaving me slowly is that when I did wake up confused I would fumble around for my rifle (which I dont have). I had become so used to waking up in a hurry and rushing out with my rifle during attacks that I freak out waking and not being able to find it. Its the worst feeling, ia lways seem to think the same thing though "WHERE THE HELL IS MY RIFLE.... damn!! Im sssooooo F----d!!!" I think it goes deeper than that, I have recently though about all this and why i react the way I do. Ive connected it to another experience.

I can totaly relate to not being "present"!!
 
DesertDweller said:
I am glad you learned something from what I am going through. Hopefuly as I learn and understant more about what I am going through my posts might help you get more insight on what your husband is going through. Why not help each other out right?

Hey DD.... you just helped that one person, the very thing you wanted to do from a previous post. See... you are already helping others, all by yourself, no help from anyone else. Thats how easy it is... just shareing and being honest with ourselves, helps others.
 
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