*** Sorry, this is going to jump around a lot and will be very long but please bear with me. It will venture back into my childhood and even to the present day because it all relates. Comments appreciated. ***
Part 1
Ok, starting out in the present, I am 21 and this took place late at night back in July of this year.
~~My bedroom door was shut and I was watching a movie and lying on my bed. He barged in my room without knocking and stumbled over to my bed. His eyes were glassy and glazed over. He had been drinking and had taken his Ambien with it. He had this look in his eye and I wasn't quite sure what it even was. It was a weird look. He came over to my bedside and kind of stared at me and I got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was unnerved.
He said, "I want a smooch."
I thought he was just playing around. He bent over and got on top of me and started tickling me. I was laughing for a bit but then I had had enough and said, "Dad stop. Seriously, I am done, go away."
He kept on and said, "Give your daddy a smooch."
So, I kissed him on the cheek. He got on top of me and kind of wrestled me and said, "No, on the lips; a real smooch."
I was all weirded out, so hit him in the face and that made him continue even more it seemed... It just made him even more excited and forceful.
(I am not exactly sure how I ended up getting him off of me but I did. I REFUSED to kiss him on the mouth. I used to when I was little but that is different you know? That was an innocent peck on the lips. It's normal. I know it is probably normal for adult children to kiss their fathers because my cousin pecks her dad (my uncle) on the lips and she is an adult. That's fine, it is normal for them, but for some reason it makes me feel so dirty. Hell, I feel dirty just when he wants a hug even and I don't know why.... Uugh, anyway, I felt this totally crossed the line and was gross and creepy.)
Anyway, as he stumbled out of my room he started to almost cry and had the saddest look on his face ever. Like I had freaking tried to kill him or something. Gosh.
I said to him as he was walking out, "Dad, look I am sorry but I am not a little girl anymore. I don't act like a little girl or do the things I used to do with you. I don't run around and wrestle like I used to. I am not a little girl."
He said, "Yeah, you are my little girl and you still could do those things with me if you really wanted to."
FFS!!! Really?!?!?! Grrrr.
So I say, "No, I can't. I am an adult and I don't think it is bad that I kissed you on the cheek. If you don't want a kiss on the cheek then you just won't get a kiss."
He had the nerve to say (this REALLY freaked me out), "You kiss and wrestle with your boyfriends. The things you do with them you should be able to do with me; you should be able to do them with your dad. You should be able to kiss me and wrestle me." then he says with a hurt inflection in his voice, "You don't love me!!! You have changed."
He turned it around on me and then at the end of it all I felt totally violated and disgusting but at the same time I felt guilty because I hurt him. I was so confused. So that kind of freaked me out and just made me feel gross.
Wow, maybe all my life my dad has felt that I was HIS more than I thought?
I have always, since I was really a young girl, felt like his surrogate wife (in all ways except physically sexual)...
I was his emotional and psychologically sexual lover in a sense. His freaking scapegoat…. Idk, maybe I made a big deal out of it for nothing???~~
I am just confused.
Even sober he doesn't always respect my wishes or privacy. He will sometimes just barge into my room without knocking or whatever. I mean, I could be undressing or something!!
I think there has always been the emotional in*est thing going on, as his mother and sisters even told me I was subject to my dad and was there to protect him. When I think back to all that my dad has told me over the years, I see how brainwashed I was. I never saw anything he did to be wrong because it was normal to me. THAT (protecting him and being his happiness and helping to please him and satisfy him all the time) was my purpose.
I didn't use to care when he hugged and kissed me, but now, if he even touches me I feel so disgusting and dirty inside. I DON'T know why these feelings of dirtiness and disgust coming up. He never touched me sexually as a child that I remember so why would I feel so dirty and disgusting now?!?!?!?!?!
The reason he is upset and thinks "I don't love him" is because I don't act like I used to towards him. He realizes I am not under his power any longer. Well, I still am to an extent I admit but I am not as brainwashed I guess. I am realizing he was in the wrong...
My dad did take advantage of me sexually in a sense. For HIS emotional needs and possibly even for his sexual validation. He used to sexually abuse me but not in the way most people think of the term. It was "non-touching sexual abuse". That is the legal term for it. He basically emotionally/psychologically sexually abused me; he just didn't touch me (that I remember). I don't think he meant the non-touching CSA as actual sexual abuse however, but it does legally fit into that category, intentionally done or not. I don’t know, He used me. I still am not sure what his intentions were. I just need to know. I can't get over what he did that night or any of the times throughout my life that he has been (and still is) “inappropriate” with me. I know he didn't mean it sexually (or at least that is what I WANT to believe....) To be honest I don't know what I know anymore. I f***ing hate this all. I am confused. I don't know what to believe or think. I am going crazy.
Part 2
*** I am not even sure if this constitutes as physical abuse… But, my dad used to like to play games with me. I still think that to him, they were innocent. He meant nothing bad by them at all. I am just confused because of the details I am going to tell you. ***
~~When I was really little (5 or 6, maybe even before that), my dad used to play games with me. We would horseplay and wrestle around. I actually did love it. They were fun. It made me ornery. Sure, the games kind of hurt sometimes but dad would be laughing and so would I because he was. They were our games so it had to be OK right?
This one thing in particular is standing out to me. I always have known we did it. There is not repression at all. It has always been there, but recently I have been questioning whether or not it was abusive...
The game was called "Indian Torture”. It would start with us wrestling around. I would be hysterically laughing and enjoying myself. He eventually would pin me down on my back (or I am ashamed to say I would also willingly lie there...) he would do this thing with his hand. He would make it into a certain shape. I will try and explain it: Make a fist, take your middle F-you finger and put it up, now bend it back down but not at the base joint where the other ones still in the fist are bent at, bend it at the middle joint so it is not flush with the other ones. (Sorry if that made no sense lol).
He then would put that middle finger knuckle that was sticking up from the others on my sternum and rub really hard. It hurt a lot. He would sometimes not rub it into my sternum but would bang it on my sternum really fast (It was kind of what a sewing machine looks like when in use; up and down really fast. That is how I have always thought it to be like. I know it is an odd association.) You could actually hear his knuckle hitting against my bone. He would be laughing and I would be laughing too and say "Ow that hurts." but would still be laughing. I was weird and messed up. I usually asked to play this game and I don't know why.... I WANTED it I guess. Which makes me bad. I feel bad.
The odd thing is, when/if I did ask him to stop (when I eventually had enough) the more I struggled to get free the more he did it and the more excited he got. Even back in July when he came into my room at night; when I tried to push him off of me and tell him “no” the more I did the more excited he got and the more compelled he was to continue. After awhile I guess he gave up but still... It has always been like that. He never stops when you want him to. He just doesn't, he has to keep going and keep going until you get mad at him. Like REALLY mad. Even then he will laugh and find it funny and will make this smirky and surprised face, one that would make me smile despite being mad. I couldn't and still can't not smile. Then it makes him think I am not mad and actually am enjoying it.
I guess I am confused because he didn't mean to do these things to hurt me. They were just games. He did get too rough obviously but he loves me I know he does. Sure, he is inappropriate and had boundary issues about sexual talk and other things like that when I was a child (and even now) but he DOES love me. I hate painting him as the bad guy.
Maybe he didn't rub/"bang" my sternum as hard as I thought he did but it just felt like it because I was so little? His hand was as big as my whole sternum. Actually it was probably bigger because I was always a really little kid. I was much smaller than everyone else my age. That was just how we played: rough. He liked to play rough, but that is what daddy's do. That is what boys do. They are rough. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me... I am just all mixed up and have so much anger at him.
I STILL don't know why I feel so much disgust and dirtiness when he touches me now or when he wants to hug me. He hasn't given me any reason to feel that way. He never touched me sexually. He talked to me about sexual things but never touched my g*nitals or anything so it makes no sense. ~~
Part 3
*** I am going to write something that he does to me even as an adult and something he used to do to me as a child. Bear with me, this is NOT easy to write and it may be disturbing I don't know. It may be sexual abuse. Either way, whether it is or isn't, it is very inappropriate. ***
~~ My dad, even to this day, STILL tries to wrestle with me. I am just all mixed up.
He has also been pinching my butt (in a playful manner, he always makes it seem playful and it confuses me) for as long as I remember but he still does it and frankly I am getting fed up with it. He used to do it all the time when I was little but it was normal back then I think.
He would pin me down too and laugh about it and just got more aggressive the more he saw me struggling. It got him excited and made him want to do it more maybe? I don’t know, that along with the sexual talk he would do and plus him asking me if I thought he was sexy and why my mom wouldn't pleasure him and if I thought he had something wrong with him just may be all starting to get to me......................???
It's like if he heard it from me, his little girl, that he had nothing wrong with him and that he was still sexy, then his manhood was still intact because he had validation.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOLD HIM HE WAS SEXY..... MY SEXY DADDY *shudders*
Also, I just "remembered" this the other night at my boyfriend's house. I say "remembered" because I have always known about it I just never really thought about it. I guess I realized it rather than remembered...
Either way, when I was younger my dad would play the "Booby Game" with me. Uuuugh....
He would make a fist and use his thrumbs as pinchers and he would chase me saying "Booby, booby, booby."
I would laugh and run away. Sometimes he wouldn't touch them because I ran but sometimes he would. I think? Either way, it is not right is it???
I know it was an innocent game but still... He would do it to my mom in front of me as well.
I didn't actually have breasts at the time but it was my nipples he did it to. He has even done it since I have grown breasts but not recently. The thing is, I LIKED it when I was younger. It was all a fun game. I am sick... A sick little girl...
I even did it to my mom!!!! I chased her around wanting to do what he did to me!!! How sick is that?!?!? I hate myself. HATE me. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Of course once I got old enough, it did start to weird me out and I would get embarrassed when he did it.
He has always made comments about my breasts. Especially lately. He says, "Wowie!!! Those are HUGE knockers!!!"
He is actually making fun of me though because I am pretty small in that area... And it makes me sad like he is putting me down.
There is SOOOOO much more I could type about what he has done both physical abuse and the emotional in*est, and possible sexual abuse but I waon't because I have already written stories about those things.
And here I am, feeling guilty as ever because at the same time my dad was/is one of the best dads ever in so many aspects. And THAT is what confuses me.... He is a wonderful dad and yet he did these things... Uuugh. See? Love, Fun, Pain: Confusion.~~ :confused:
*Added info*
I will say this. I don't know if my dad had legit sexual thoughts in mind when he did the things he did/does to me but he does have a sick thing for control and even inflicting pain...He gets amusement when he is doing something I don't like and then he does it all the more. When I was little, he would make me play a ticking game... It was about trust and being quiet and seeing how long or how much I could take. He would tickle me all over in different places, even close to my genitals but not on them exactly... (that place where your leg and genitals meet, where your leg bends) he said that was my very sensitive area because of how ticklish it was and he tickled there a lot because it made me mad with laughter as it was sooooo ticklish. I liked it for a bit but then I didn't and got tired of it quickly. For one, my belly just hurt from laughing and two I just grew tired of it. I don't know if I really ever felt uncomfortable though... I can't remember. If I laughed or made ANY sound at all we would have to go all over again and he would tickle me all over. Sometimes so softly I could barely feel it or sometimes a bit rougher. The thing is I enjoyed this game because it felt secretive and fun... I had to be quiet. I don't know, it just felt secretive. It's hard to explain. Like when you HAVE to be quiet or else... Plus he was giggling but with a really weird laugh. I don't know... Never mind. I am crazy.. I just don't know. I guess even if for him it was all a game and his intentions were not bad in the least bit, it is still not right?
I was just wondering, is it possible to sexually abuse someone and not know it?
If so, can that person be blamed and called an abuser since they didn't know they were being abusive?
Part 1
Ok, starting out in the present, I am 21 and this took place late at night back in July of this year.
~~My bedroom door was shut and I was watching a movie and lying on my bed. He barged in my room without knocking and stumbled over to my bed. His eyes were glassy and glazed over. He had been drinking and had taken his Ambien with it. He had this look in his eye and I wasn't quite sure what it even was. It was a weird look. He came over to my bedside and kind of stared at me and I got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was unnerved.
He said, "I want a smooch."
I thought he was just playing around. He bent over and got on top of me and started tickling me. I was laughing for a bit but then I had had enough and said, "Dad stop. Seriously, I am done, go away."
He kept on and said, "Give your daddy a smooch."
So, I kissed him on the cheek. He got on top of me and kind of wrestled me and said, "No, on the lips; a real smooch."
I was all weirded out, so hit him in the face and that made him continue even more it seemed... It just made him even more excited and forceful.
(I am not exactly sure how I ended up getting him off of me but I did. I REFUSED to kiss him on the mouth. I used to when I was little but that is different you know? That was an innocent peck on the lips. It's normal. I know it is probably normal for adult children to kiss their fathers because my cousin pecks her dad (my uncle) on the lips and she is an adult. That's fine, it is normal for them, but for some reason it makes me feel so dirty. Hell, I feel dirty just when he wants a hug even and I don't know why.... Uugh, anyway, I felt this totally crossed the line and was gross and creepy.)
Anyway, as he stumbled out of my room he started to almost cry and had the saddest look on his face ever. Like I had freaking tried to kill him or something. Gosh.
I said to him as he was walking out, "Dad, look I am sorry but I am not a little girl anymore. I don't act like a little girl or do the things I used to do with you. I don't run around and wrestle like I used to. I am not a little girl."
He said, "Yeah, you are my little girl and you still could do those things with me if you really wanted to."
FFS!!! Really?!?!?! Grrrr.
So I say, "No, I can't. I am an adult and I don't think it is bad that I kissed you on the cheek. If you don't want a kiss on the cheek then you just won't get a kiss."
He had the nerve to say (this REALLY freaked me out), "You kiss and wrestle with your boyfriends. The things you do with them you should be able to do with me; you should be able to do them with your dad. You should be able to kiss me and wrestle me." then he says with a hurt inflection in his voice, "You don't love me!!! You have changed."
He turned it around on me and then at the end of it all I felt totally violated and disgusting but at the same time I felt guilty because I hurt him. I was so confused. So that kind of freaked me out and just made me feel gross.
Wow, maybe all my life my dad has felt that I was HIS more than I thought?
I have always, since I was really a young girl, felt like his surrogate wife (in all ways except physically sexual)...
I was his emotional and psychologically sexual lover in a sense. His freaking scapegoat…. Idk, maybe I made a big deal out of it for nothing???~~
I am just confused.
Even sober he doesn't always respect my wishes or privacy. He will sometimes just barge into my room without knocking or whatever. I mean, I could be undressing or something!!
I think there has always been the emotional in*est thing going on, as his mother and sisters even told me I was subject to my dad and was there to protect him. When I think back to all that my dad has told me over the years, I see how brainwashed I was. I never saw anything he did to be wrong because it was normal to me. THAT (protecting him and being his happiness and helping to please him and satisfy him all the time) was my purpose.
I didn't use to care when he hugged and kissed me, but now, if he even touches me I feel so disgusting and dirty inside. I DON'T know why these feelings of dirtiness and disgust coming up. He never touched me sexually as a child that I remember so why would I feel so dirty and disgusting now?!?!?!?!?!
The reason he is upset and thinks "I don't love him" is because I don't act like I used to towards him. He realizes I am not under his power any longer. Well, I still am to an extent I admit but I am not as brainwashed I guess. I am realizing he was in the wrong...
My dad did take advantage of me sexually in a sense. For HIS emotional needs and possibly even for his sexual validation. He used to sexually abuse me but not in the way most people think of the term. It was "non-touching sexual abuse". That is the legal term for it. He basically emotionally/psychologically sexually abused me; he just didn't touch me (that I remember). I don't think he meant the non-touching CSA as actual sexual abuse however, but it does legally fit into that category, intentionally done or not. I don’t know, He used me. I still am not sure what his intentions were. I just need to know. I can't get over what he did that night or any of the times throughout my life that he has been (and still is) “inappropriate” with me. I know he didn't mean it sexually (or at least that is what I WANT to believe....) To be honest I don't know what I know anymore. I f***ing hate this all. I am confused. I don't know what to believe or think. I am going crazy.
Part 2
*** I am not even sure if this constitutes as physical abuse… But, my dad used to like to play games with me. I still think that to him, they were innocent. He meant nothing bad by them at all. I am just confused because of the details I am going to tell you. ***
~~When I was really little (5 or 6, maybe even before that), my dad used to play games with me. We would horseplay and wrestle around. I actually did love it. They were fun. It made me ornery. Sure, the games kind of hurt sometimes but dad would be laughing and so would I because he was. They were our games so it had to be OK right?
This one thing in particular is standing out to me. I always have known we did it. There is not repression at all. It has always been there, but recently I have been questioning whether or not it was abusive...
The game was called "Indian Torture”. It would start with us wrestling around. I would be hysterically laughing and enjoying myself. He eventually would pin me down on my back (or I am ashamed to say I would also willingly lie there...) he would do this thing with his hand. He would make it into a certain shape. I will try and explain it: Make a fist, take your middle F-you finger and put it up, now bend it back down but not at the base joint where the other ones still in the fist are bent at, bend it at the middle joint so it is not flush with the other ones. (Sorry if that made no sense lol).
He then would put that middle finger knuckle that was sticking up from the others on my sternum and rub really hard. It hurt a lot. He would sometimes not rub it into my sternum but would bang it on my sternum really fast (It was kind of what a sewing machine looks like when in use; up and down really fast. That is how I have always thought it to be like. I know it is an odd association.) You could actually hear his knuckle hitting against my bone. He would be laughing and I would be laughing too and say "Ow that hurts." but would still be laughing. I was weird and messed up. I usually asked to play this game and I don't know why.... I WANTED it I guess. Which makes me bad. I feel bad.
The odd thing is, when/if I did ask him to stop (when I eventually had enough) the more I struggled to get free the more he did it and the more excited he got. Even back in July when he came into my room at night; when I tried to push him off of me and tell him “no” the more I did the more excited he got and the more compelled he was to continue. After awhile I guess he gave up but still... It has always been like that. He never stops when you want him to. He just doesn't, he has to keep going and keep going until you get mad at him. Like REALLY mad. Even then he will laugh and find it funny and will make this smirky and surprised face, one that would make me smile despite being mad. I couldn't and still can't not smile. Then it makes him think I am not mad and actually am enjoying it.
I guess I am confused because he didn't mean to do these things to hurt me. They were just games. He did get too rough obviously but he loves me I know he does. Sure, he is inappropriate and had boundary issues about sexual talk and other things like that when I was a child (and even now) but he DOES love me. I hate painting him as the bad guy.
Maybe he didn't rub/"bang" my sternum as hard as I thought he did but it just felt like it because I was so little? His hand was as big as my whole sternum. Actually it was probably bigger because I was always a really little kid. I was much smaller than everyone else my age. That was just how we played: rough. He liked to play rough, but that is what daddy's do. That is what boys do. They are rough. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me... I am just all mixed up and have so much anger at him.
I STILL don't know why I feel so much disgust and dirtiness when he touches me now or when he wants to hug me. He hasn't given me any reason to feel that way. He never touched me sexually. He talked to me about sexual things but never touched my g*nitals or anything so it makes no sense. ~~
Part 3
*** I am going to write something that he does to me even as an adult and something he used to do to me as a child. Bear with me, this is NOT easy to write and it may be disturbing I don't know. It may be sexual abuse. Either way, whether it is or isn't, it is very inappropriate. ***
~~ My dad, even to this day, STILL tries to wrestle with me. I am just all mixed up.
He has also been pinching my butt (in a playful manner, he always makes it seem playful and it confuses me) for as long as I remember but he still does it and frankly I am getting fed up with it. He used to do it all the time when I was little but it was normal back then I think.
He would pin me down too and laugh about it and just got more aggressive the more he saw me struggling. It got him excited and made him want to do it more maybe? I don’t know, that along with the sexual talk he would do and plus him asking me if I thought he was sexy and why my mom wouldn't pleasure him and if I thought he had something wrong with him just may be all starting to get to me......................???
It's like if he heard it from me, his little girl, that he had nothing wrong with him and that he was still sexy, then his manhood was still intact because he had validation.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOLD HIM HE WAS SEXY..... MY SEXY DADDY *shudders*
Also, I just "remembered" this the other night at my boyfriend's house. I say "remembered" because I have always known about it I just never really thought about it. I guess I realized it rather than remembered...
Either way, when I was younger my dad would play the "Booby Game" with me. Uuuugh....
He would make a fist and use his thrumbs as pinchers and he would chase me saying "Booby, booby, booby."
I would laugh and run away. Sometimes he wouldn't touch them because I ran but sometimes he would. I think? Either way, it is not right is it???
I know it was an innocent game but still... He would do it to my mom in front of me as well.
I didn't actually have breasts at the time but it was my nipples he did it to. He has even done it since I have grown breasts but not recently. The thing is, I LIKED it when I was younger. It was all a fun game. I am sick... A sick little girl...
I even did it to my mom!!!! I chased her around wanting to do what he did to me!!! How sick is that?!?!? I hate myself. HATE me. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Of course once I got old enough, it did start to weird me out and I would get embarrassed when he did it.
He has always made comments about my breasts. Especially lately. He says, "Wowie!!! Those are HUGE knockers!!!"
He is actually making fun of me though because I am pretty small in that area... And it makes me sad like he is putting me down.
There is SOOOOO much more I could type about what he has done both physical abuse and the emotional in*est, and possible sexual abuse but I waon't because I have already written stories about those things.
And here I am, feeling guilty as ever because at the same time my dad was/is one of the best dads ever in so many aspects. And THAT is what confuses me.... He is a wonderful dad and yet he did these things... Uuugh. See? Love, Fun, Pain: Confusion.~~ :confused:
*Added info*
I will say this. I don't know if my dad had legit sexual thoughts in mind when he did the things he did/does to me but he does have a sick thing for control and even inflicting pain...He gets amusement when he is doing something I don't like and then he does it all the more. When I was little, he would make me play a ticking game... It was about trust and being quiet and seeing how long or how much I could take. He would tickle me all over in different places, even close to my genitals but not on them exactly... (that place where your leg and genitals meet, where your leg bends) he said that was my very sensitive area because of how ticklish it was and he tickled there a lot because it made me mad with laughter as it was sooooo ticklish. I liked it for a bit but then I didn't and got tired of it quickly. For one, my belly just hurt from laughing and two I just grew tired of it. I don't know if I really ever felt uncomfortable though... I can't remember. If I laughed or made ANY sound at all we would have to go all over again and he would tickle me all over. Sometimes so softly I could barely feel it or sometimes a bit rougher. The thing is I enjoyed this game because it felt secretive and fun... I had to be quiet. I don't know, it just felt secretive. It's hard to explain. Like when you HAVE to be quiet or else... Plus he was giggling but with a really weird laugh. I don't know... Never mind. I am crazy.. I just don't know. I guess even if for him it was all a game and his intentions were not bad in the least bit, it is still not right?
I was just wondering, is it possible to sexually abuse someone and not know it?
If so, can that person be blamed and called an abuser since they didn't know they were being abusive?
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