Love/hate Relationship With Male T

[Deleted member 26314]

@Katarina19... Great advice. I don't know if I can do it though?

I understand your worry about being able to do it. I have the same worry with other topics I'd like to bring up with my therapist, so I do understand it. I suggest try easing your way into it. Maybe over the course of a couple sessions? On the first session hint at the distrust of men and leave it at that and each session from there you could just bring it up a little bit more. Either that or literally go in with a now-or-never attitude and just spill. That's what I did last time I saw my therapist and it was the best thing I have done in a while in regards to getting better, and it's put me on a better track for future sessions as now they are more guided to what I wanted in the first place. Granted I had multiple panic attacks before, after and during and I triggered myself into a flashback by saying something I wish I hadn't.. but in the long run it has helped me.

If you can't go in with that attitude right now, and it's understandable if you can't (it took me quite a few months to actually do it), just try ease your way in. Make some hints and try and guide the sessions to what you want to talk about, but do it subtly. That way you wont have to come out and say anything right away. You could also try writing it down? Explain to him you're nervous to talk about it but that you wrote it down and you'd like him to read it.

 

[Notsowild]

Wow @Katarina19... You are so wise and knowledgeable. The first session I had with him I felt so at ease with him. That was not expected at all. I have had many male psychiatrists. It's funny my psychiatrist now is female and I like her a lot. It's not the same connection though. I'll try to bring up my distrust of males again. Whew therapy is tough.

 

[arfie]

At present, I don't have a T. I am considered to be in the maintenance phase. I have had both male and female therapists. The worst of my own gender mistrust was with females. Trusting any human is hard for me, but my gender mistrust is feminine. Makes even trusting myself a challenge since I am female, like it or not. Opening up to my female therapists was tough, but I am glad I did. Very healing. One of my female therapists launched a femi-Nazi attack that made deepened my trust issues, but the compitant ones new what to do with the information.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Feelings of attachment to a therapist is a good sign that trust has been established by our psyche, which can feel frightening, bewildering, irritating, etc. This is especially true for those of us who have learned not to trust.

It's a good sign you're laying the groundwork necessary for transforming your trauma out into that healing space.

Tell your T. all your worries, feelings, thoughts. He can handle it, and you'll learn a lot about how strong you are.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have a male therapist. You should talk to him about this. I think it would really help with your feelings.

 

[shimmerz]

t should say " Like/ fear of my male T
It just didn't sound right lol

That is better. I thought it was fear, I just didn't want to say it. Thought it might be something you could come to yourself. That is the conflict of this stuff. Trusting to let go of mistrust is a wild circle. And perhaps you are reluctant to talk about it because you have learned not to trust the words you hear. Maybe you just need to watch and listen.

 

[Notsowild]

@arfie....trusting any human is hard for me too but mine would be more so males. So how is your "maintenance phase" going?

@BloomInWinter... Thanks I'm beginning to understand this is a good thing. There has to be trust in therapy in order to process the trauma and heal. I guess it's the male/ female relationship that makes it more frightening for me.

@Ayesha...Do you think it took you longer to trust your T because he was male?

@shimmerz... How yes I've learnt not to trust men. I've been hurt or abused by so many. That's what makes it scary about my connection with my T. Can't get too attached.
What do you mean by "watch and listen" btw?

 

[Notsowild]

I've seen an article on relationships in therapy. This is part of it:

Overall they found that therapy with both relationship and technique focus had an effect size of .76, while therapy with technique focus only had an effect size of .55. Thus, they concluded, that the non-specific factors of therapy, the relationship focused therapy, contributes .21 to the effect size, while technique contributes .55 to the effect size, giving the obtained effect size of .76 overall. Thus, the question of "Which is the more important, the technique or the relationship?" in psychotherapy has been answered to some extent, because empirical data supports that both contribute to the effectiveness of psychotherapy.

 

[Notsowild]

The thing for me still is the male/female relationship. I do not have male friends. Whenever I have tried to sex always got in the way. So I do not know how to interact properly without thinking about their intentions. I know this is not going to happen with my T. BUT... I don't know how to interact with a male especially a nice one.

Okay I'm driving myself crazy. All I want to do is get better. My mind is thinking about too much "what ifs?"
Trying to just think about healing. Easier said than done.

 

[fyredrift23]

I have a male therapist, and I'm female. I love my T! He's great! We've been working together for going on 3 straight years, now. I don't want you to think that sorta trust develops overnight! It's taken a lot of time, effort, and patience for us to reach the connection level we're on.

It sounds like your T is really clicking well with you. That's how it was/is with me and mine. He has a very easy, gentle way about him that makes it easier for me to feel comfortable and safe around him. I haven't been abused by men or anything, but I was inappropriately touched by a stranger who lured me. Also, I've had enough experiences of men eyeing me like I'm a piece of meat or something. And I got even more of those looks when I was still a freakin girl.

My parents got divorced when I was about 10 (I'll be 25 soon). My dad and I had a very strained relationship for that next half of my childhood. We still have problems with basic communication and truly revealing our feelings and thoughts with each other. I don't really understand it, but I think some sort of void was created. I had several awesome male mentors through my family's church growing up, and my dad's stayed active in my life. Don't get me wrong. But, for some reason, I find an immense amount of comfort in having my male T for a therapist. I had a female one in college, and she was great, but he's even better! Lol

I feel like I'm rambling, but I'm still really surprised (and rather embarrassed) at how much I like my T and enjoy his company. He doesn't hug, but I always wanna give him big bear hugs! When I'm upset or down, just seeing his face or even hearing his voice can make me feel better. He truly cares about me and is genuinely interested in getting to know me (he's said it himself! Lol). I feel really special and powerful and capable around him.

These are all weird feelings for me that are difficult for me to admit. I'm not attracted to men, so I'm not worried about anything like that with him, but I do oftentimes "jump the gun" and assume what he's gonna think about me. I get convinced that I'm letting him down or that he thinks I'm a loser/I have to "prove" my self-worth to him. I worry I'm getting too attached and clingy, overly-dependent on him. At the same time, I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose him, that the next session will be our last or he'll move suddenly or something like that. I think I don't like being so close to him because when it's time for us to part ways, I won't be able to handle it or something.

I dunno :/
Just know I can relate a little, and what you're feeling isn't weird at all (to me at least :oops:)

 

[shimmerz]

I guess it's the male/ female relationship that makes it more frightening for me.

And perhaps will be a key in sorting out the male issues that have arisen in your life. This may be a gift.

What do you mean by "watch and listen" btw?

I learned along the way that I was listening to words too much. In therapy etc. I had to get to the point where what was being said matched the actions of the person I was with.
1. What does a man with integrity look like to you? Do you have any idea?
2. What body language would a man you trusted put out? Does he listen intently? Does he sit back and take it all in?
3. Is it important that he listen more to you or have words of wisdom for you? Which is more important?
4. What type of eyes does he have? Are they kind or are they ones with wisdom or something else?
5. What is it do you think that has you trusting him?

Perhaps then a list that is the contrast of that?
1. What does a man without integrity look like to you?
repeat to question 5 with the idea being that you contrast what you feel is trustable vs not.

 

[Sarah2732]

...that's a fear I might get dependent on him. How does that work in regards to our therapy?

Maybe that's okay? I had that same fear when I started working on my trauma with a therapist, I told her and we talked about it (a LOT) and ultimately I decided it was okay to become dependent on someone, to NEED someone, for a little while if it meant healing and learning a healthier independence in the long run. - Talking through that fear with my T was SO helpful. Like, I'd say one of the most helpful conversations ever, apart from processing the actual trauma. One of my fears was getting stuck being dependent, but it really was just for a season, and a few years down the road, I very rarely fall back into that.

I started seeing a male T about two months ago, specifically to work on my fear of men. It's so tough so I totally respect you for being willing to give it a go.