Love Of My Life ---- Broken

[cherryblossom]

To be honest, as an outsider, it's very hard to tell, whether she is unwell, and is acting this way because of being ill. Or if she is just being a heartless so and so, and using you! I hope you understand my meaning. The only way you'll know for sure, is if she sees someone and they agree that she is ill. If she is ill, possibly with PTSD, then that still isn't an excuse for treating you badly. But it does open up a whole new focus for her mainly but also for both of you, to learn how to manage her symptoms, so that neither of you are getting hurt over and over again. Because that isn't a healthy relationship for either of you.

Personally, I think you need to be sitting down with her, and having a serious conversation about your relationship, and her behaviour, otherwise she will continue to use and hurt you. It may not be intentional on her part, but it is happening to you non the less.

Perhaps she can only see a 'future', when she has a job. maybe she sees the interviews as a positive step to her future, and then sees you as part of that future. Maybe, without a job she feels worthless, and not worth your attention. Only she knows how she feels, and why she acts the way she does. But she also might need professional help working out why she acts the way she does.

I'm not knocking you, because you clearly think a lot of this lady, but it seems that you will 'take', whatever she throws at you - and that's not a fair way for her to treat you (ill or not). And by accepting this, you are 'enabling' her to get away with treating you badly. She needs to be fully aware how her actions impact on you, and how much hurt you are going through.

This is were setting boundaries comes in. Only you can decide what boundaries to set, and you must tell her those boundaries. But you also have to stick to your guns, and any consequences of that. Which is why I say you need to both sit down and discuss your relationship, both your expectations, and if and how you see a future together. Whether, as friends, lovers, exclusive or not. And the consequences of being ignored /badly treated / etc. I think you need to take the driving seat now, and decide exactly what you want, and lay it on the line for her.

I know you didn't come here for relationship advice, but I hope you understand that it's impossible for me to say, yeah she has PTSD, and this is normal behaviour for someone with PTSD. Because she hasn't been diagnosed. She may have been treated badly in the past, and now thinks screw it - I'll treat others the way I've been treated, because I don't give a damn about anyone any more, other than me. She might be completely terrified to commit to another relationship, hence blowing hot and cold. She may be completely aware that she is treating you badly. She may believe that her behaviour is totally acceptable. She may have something physically wrong with her, causing mood swings and irrational behaviour. Impossible for me to tell.

But, currently, for whatever reason, she seems out of control. You need to decide how much more of this you are prepared to take. Lay it on the line with her. Maybe you have to insist that she sees a doctor, otherwise you can't continue seeing her. I don't know. Only you can decide the boundaries and how much confusion, hurt and upset you are prepared to put up with, and for how long.

 

[RadioboyWV]

Thank you very much. I do not know whether or not I will even get the opportunity. I have NO idea where I stand in her life right now at all. She just suddenly became "disinterested.' She said when I broke up with her she cried about it for a couple of days---then was suddenly 'done' and it even surprised her. The next time I heard from her---she was her old loving self just before the first job interview. To me----the 'Sunday dinner' promise ---if it WERE contrived, is nothing short of psychological rape. But---I don't know whether or not she something is turning her 'off' emotionally or not. She DID say a few times over the summer that she felt totally numb. Totally disconnected. I have no idea whether or not this extends outside my relationship or whether it's just someone she's involved with so far as a 'significant other' scenario. I do not know. I haven't seen her at all now for over a month, but her behavior over the weekend just popping up on Facebook chat and filling up the window and as far as SHE knew I wasn't even here-----stunned me. THEN I find out that she had a job interview. It's really pretty nuts. I do love her very much. I've had one of the most horrible months of my lifetime worrying about it, because I can't believe it. She just WENT AWAY! I can't explain it. I think it would be best if she did get a job three hours from her (which is what I think it is) and the whole thing just died a slow death. I cannot imagine going through this again, although I do want the old person back------if she exists.

 

[doglover]

So you broke up with her but you didn't mean for it to be an end to the relationship? Sounds like it was a clue to her but you didn't come out and say hey, this is too much back and forth for me, I need to know where you stand. You thought she'd fight for things instead of take your choice at face value.

Maybe you're both dealing with some ambivalence? PTSD can sometimes lead to ambivalence about relationships but the solutions to this kind of dynamic are the same whether a person has PTSD or not. Set boundaries. Enforce boundaries. Reward open, honest communication and use open, honest communication. Be caring and generous - and that includes for yourself. Communicate your wants and needs clearly and follow through with consequences you put in place.

I've been in that turbulent, intense, on-again, off-again style relationship before. It gets my blood flowing, but I don't think I could handle it in a serious partnership.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, don't 'do' things to make her 'prove' something- likely she will just leave.
But care for yourself- ptsd is not justification to 'not manage ptsd'.