Love

[Elsie]

Oh GOD, Willis! Thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I feel like I abandoned him when he needed me most but I just couldn't cope any more. He was so cruel and abusive. (Unfortunately, even without the PTSD, there were strong indications he was also a highly narcissitic personality). But I want him to know I DO care and that I worry about him constantly (he said he was thinking of killing himself, but I have no way of knowing whether he has or not since we live in different countries and I cut all contact) but I think if I make contact again, we will just end up in another downward spiral. I'm certain he thought I walked away from our relationship because I no longer cared about him / loved him but this is simply not true. I love him SO much which is why his cruel, emotionally manipulative behaviour hurt me so badly. Would it help him to know I'm sorry (should I apologise?) and that I still worry and love him or is it best I just accept that my presence in his life will actually cause us both more pain (after possibly temporary relief) and remain incommunicado?

I wanted to be there for him. I told him I would be. And I wasn't in the end. I'm SO scared he's hurt himself or worse. Ugh.

As far as your comment, "You can't fix that kind of broken, he has to", I get that. I really do. But I wanted to be by his side while he fixed it. I really really did. But I couldn't. I have a 3 year old daughter who I simply couldn't expose to that level of agression.

BTW, Willis, I want to you to know how amazing you are for posting what you did. It takes incredible strength to admit what you have and I HOPE you find the support and help you need to fix things. Truly.

I'm so angry for you and all combat-PTSD sufferers. It's such a cruel and debilitating disorder. You all deserve peace and happiness after the terrors of war, yet you suffer further and re-live those awful experiences - often feeling abandoned by the very society you fought for because the behaviour you exhibit as a result of PTSD drives people away. I can't even imagine the pain, anger, lonliness... I wish you ALL so much strength and hope. I wish so much that I could have helped my soldier. I wish there was something I could do or could have done. But I guess I have to accept I can't and just move on. I care. That's all.

Elsie.

 

[Elsie]

I forgot to mention in my last post: I was away over Christmas. He sent me a message on Skype "Please stop ignoring me. I do not have anyone. I need you. I can fix this."

I don't know when he sent it but I found it on New Year's Day (the first time I had logged into Skype since our 'break up') I responded immediately with my BlackBerry PIN details so he could message me if he felt the need. He has not logged into Skype since I left the message. This is very unusual behaviour for him. And this is why I'm so worried about him. And I'm tearing myself apart thinking 'if only I'd been on Skype when he sent that message! I could have re-assured him that I still care.'

God I hope he's ok...

 

[willis williams]

Elsie if he is going to kill himself no one is going to stop him. The safty of you and your daughter are more important. You can not help him in the place he is at. He has to fight his own deamons. Most people with ptsd that I know dont love the same way that other people do. There is loyalty more than love in other words love for the wrong reasons. He will have to get help and want to work on it or there is know chance. He will also learn that he is happy for you taking care of you and not him. PTSD

 

[Jimmy1]

Wow Tex,

No truer words spoken. Not only true, but powerful.
Elsie, the thing with PTSD sufferers is that they have all their beliefs and morals shattered by things they have had to do, or by things they have witnessed. Sometimes its hard to believe that some people can do to other people what we have seen. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, because of this, we build a barrier up for our heart. Usually its because its the only thing we have left which is not broken. That is why when relationships fall apart, we get hit hard. Its also why we are so tentative when it comes to forming new relationships.

I apparently exhibited symptoms of PTSD when I returned from New Guinea in 2000, then the symptoms got worse in 2002 when I returned from East Timor.
I developed a big drinking problem and yelled at the kids and wife a lot. The military thought it was my thyroid gland at the start, then put it down to stress of promotion courses and work.
You see, its easy to hide PTSD in the military. Its based on yelling and is an emotionless workplace. Apart from anger that is.

This is why I think it is stupid when they do a three month follow up with the soldier on return from overseas. They should do a three month follow up with the partner and children.

Getting back to it, I eventually split with my second wife. We tried and tried to get back together, but it just would not work. Eventually after returning from Iraq in 2006, I was diagnosed. This was not until 2007 though.

Now down to the point of my post.

I had numerous girlfriends, and some I thought were serious, when really, they were just play things.
They were great to walk on the beach with, have sex with, etc etc.
I may have said I loved them, but really I just enjoyed being with them. There was no room in my head for them and I did not trust them within my inner defenses.

This can change though.

I met a lady about 3 and half months ago, to be precise 15.5 weeks, or 108 days.
Margaret is her name.
She is nothing like anyone I have ever met. Maybe I stopped comparing like I used to. Maybe I changed a bit of the inner me, but she has managed to get to me.
When I am having a really bad day and want to escape, she is there for me, I just had to realise that.

What scares me is the fact that I have to let go of some things and trust her with my heart.

I know she checks this forum as a carer, but I am no longer scared to post what I feel. She just does not login and make posts. Maybe she should when she gets frustrated with my stubbornness.
Love you Margaret
Love you Margaret.

 

[willis williams]

Jimmy, congrats on your find. I am sure she is an angle if she can put up with a Vet. I to found someone she had a lot of bumps when she was young (drugs,and abusive marriage) which made her a little tuff. I help the relationship out by not hiding my PTSD took her to a 12 week class on it. She was very shock there were Vets from nam to present I was not so different now. She was very understanding she did not talk just listened and got a glimps in to my world through other vets eyes. This helped her not look at me different. I wasn't odd anymore. She also learned to give me space and see triggers like fighting with me. She now knows to let me walk away in anargument and bring it up the mourning. Her name is Seren and I love as much as I can with my limited emotions and I treat her the best I can still a little distant.

 

[Jimmy1]

Tell me about it mate. Hence the cows loose in the paddock.
I still find it hard to tell her how I am feeling sometimes. Its the old military conditioning. Don't be a sook, stop whining, and deal with it.
As you would know, sometimes its really hard to explain how you actually feel. You can't really say 'I feel like my skin is crawling, everything from making coffee to the birds outside are pissing me off and I want to punch someone', wow, I explained how I feel right now.

Cheers mate

Jimmy

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Set rules with each other... ie. I need to have notice in order to go out, ie. the day before, so I can prepare myself mentally so I approach a shopping center or cinema with the right civilian mindset, not a military in war mindset. Sometimes I can just do it, but normally, I need a little time to prepare myself and I then have zero issue with it. Usually I am at the door trying to hurry her up because of the whole running on time thing the military drum into us.

I pulled this from a post you made about a year ago Anthony, sorry it's out of sequence but it's a gem of advice!!!

Communication is often difficult and I've been struggling with when is the right time to say "shall we arrange a short break away?". Planning can be difficult when my hubby says he can't think that far ahead. I'm not sure if that is a common problem with PTSD.

I must confess I'm not a good time keeper :rolleyes: so I will try to be more realistic how much time I need so as not to be late. Getting home late from work was difficult but now I always phone if I'm over-running which was something we agreed on.

 

[Nicolette]

Planning can be difficult when my hubby says he can't think that far ahead. I'm not sure if that is a common problem with PTSD.

It's a catch 22 Resilientgirl. They like prior planning but then I get in trouble for wanting to organise things and plan ahead :rolleyes:.

My take on it is when something is scheduled then timing matters to them. They are also trained to be able to move and change plans for combat situations (be war ready) so I think the future planning messes with them. My impression is the ingrained training means taking the current time day to day and plan (like going shopping tomorrow as that helps them prepare in relation to PTSD) but don't plan too far ahead (military readiness trained into them on not to count on future plans).

 

[Jimmy1]

Yes and No Nikki, If it were me planning a trip to Brisbane (for those not in Australia, about 1600km away, of for you in the US, about 990 miles), it would be like planning a trip overseas. And its easy to talk about and organise.
But planning something in town here next week is hard for me. I have to write it on my white board, this replaced post it notes. I also have it on my calender and in my iphone, and usually I am not interested until the day before, thats why I have so many reminders. My boy asks me if I can drop him at the movies in a few days and I usually tell him to wait till the day before.

But you know what, really it matters on what my state of mind is like. At the moment with all the depressing news about the floods, loss of life, and devastation no matter where you turn, I am really on edge, and wound up.
I have had to take Xanax every day to calm down.
So to ask me about going to the shops or something, I just would not care at all.

Waffling a bit sorry. Might crawl back to my hole.

Jimmy

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

I don't know about catch 22 Nicolette, there's a lot to consider in what you and Jimmy have said and I'll need time to read again but thank you both for your feedback. I've just ordered a book about understanding partners with PTSD by a lady with the surname of Orange (I think). So looking forward to that arriving.

I've also come to realise that sometimes stuff doesn't matter. eg he likes his food but it doesn't really matter what it is (as long as it's veggie which we both are) so I buy stuff and use it in date order which is much easier on the brain, I don't have to ask and he doesn't have to say "I don't mind". :cool:.

 

[patrick]

Planning ahead is incredibly hard for me. My sweetie has told me she doesn't want to hear me say, "Who knows what might happen," anymore. I've agreed not to say it (I've had a few slips, but not many) but I can't seem to stop myself from looking to future through that lens.

From what I've read, a fairly common symptom for PTSD people is "a sense of a foreshortened future." Basically, a lot of us, particularly combat vets, feel like we don't have much time left in this world, so planning ahead seems pointless. It really drives my sweetheart crazy because she has always filled in all the details for something that is planned even six months down the road. She will ask me if I want to go somewhere on vacation this summer, and I'll say sure. Then she asks where do I want to go, I guess so she can start planning the details. I'm thinking I'm not gonna be around next summer anyway, so what difference does is make. Even if I think I will live, what if I say something now and end up wishing we were going somewhere else by next summer? So what do I say when she asks this kind of question? "It doesn't really matter to me. Where do you want to go?"

 

[Jimmy1]

Pat,
From my experience, the sense of foreshortened future is just one of the spin offs from the deep dark depressive periods I have been through where I don't care whether I live or die.
I suppose I have benefited from raising my boy on my own, as I have had to plan things in advance for him. Sometimes in the past I have not wanted to. Even when it comes down to the evening meal, there have been times when I have just got him take away as I did not really care about the world that day.

So mate, in answer to your question, if I were you I would just say something like "Hey darling, I just want you to be happy so you plan it and I will come", or something like that.
The other thing I have found too is that part of it comes from the military training. I was a Warrant Officer before they discharged me and I had to plan for a lot of soldiers. What they ate, where they slept, what courses they did, etc, etc.
So once I was out, I just did not want to plan anything logistically. Does that make sense.

Now I have a girlfriend who is really important to me and we have already talked about touring Australia and taking a year or two to do it. Just take our time and follow our noses.

Jimmy