Love

[Nicolette]

It really drives my sweetheart crazy because she has always filled in all the details for something that is planned even six months down the road. She will ask me if I want to go somewhere on vacation this summer, and I'll say sure. Then she asks where do I want to go, I guess so she can start planning the details.

See Anthony... see, read, see; I am normal!!!!! :D

Unfortunately the military has taken some things we take for granted or as normal away from our PTSD Sufferers. :rolleyes: We don't mean to drive you crazy.... you are already ;) (with lots of love and fun only meant by that comment).

 

[FMG]

Planning? Same. I cannot do anything that's not planned out. However I get paranoid that the plan will fail so I have contingencies. It means night outs go smoothly (everyone knows FMG throws the best nights out because he always knows where to go!) but it does mean having to sit down and call places before I do anything to find out exact timings and so on. Everything has to be structured. I write out a whiteboard of stuff to do daily and have to cross things out.

India has forced me to accept that not all things can be planned since nothing succeeds initially.

Oh GOD, Willis! Thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I feel like I abandoned him when he needed me most but I just couldn't cope any more. He was so cruel and abusive. (Unfortunately, even without the PTSD, there were strong indications he was also a highly narcissitic personality). But I want him to know I DO care and that I worry about him constantly (he said he was thinking of killing himself, but I have no way of knowing whether he has or not since we live in different countries and I cut all contact) but I think if I make contact again, we will just end up in another downward spiral. I'm certain he thought I walked away from our relationship because I no longer cared about him / loved him but this is simply not true. I love him SO much which is why his cruel, emotionally manipulative behaviour hurt me so badly. Would it help him to know I'm sorry (should I apologise?) and that I still worry and love him or is it best I just accept that my presence in his life will actually cause us both more pain (after possibly temporary relief) and remain incommunicado?

I certainly would like to hear the story. I do apologise I have been a bit busy and also wanted some time away since the forum was rather quiet for a bit. I think you should not contact him, he holds the threat of self abuse over your head and uses PTSD as an excuse to be a jackass. If I (and her) can learn anything from you it would be helpful.

I don't think I have ever had a suicidal thought. I was always a stubborn jackass and a genuine joker. I used to make bad jokes (and still do) for the sake of it. I think the worst thing I did to her was state that I was not happy that she was in a relationship because that's what I wanted, but that I see as plain normal jealousy that other people have. I never felt the urge to go punch him or to go do something dumb. I was not manipulative (atleast in my opinion) since I told her outright why I was not happy and so on. I also agreed that asking them to break up was bad and that I had no right to ask that (no matter how much I wanted) and just left them to it. I suppose the most manipulative I have been was asking her to not put balloons up if she was having a surprise birthday party (whenever we met). Its one of my triggers. Yeah, lame right? I cannot abide by them exploding. The worst I am is sarcastic. I turn in on myself. I learnt to vent on videogames rather than people, its cathartic to lose yourself in fantasy for a few hours to calm down.

That idiot blew it in the end. She is single now but still miles away. And that just made me angry because I seriously want what he has and he does not even have the simply human decency to not sleep around and be a twat to someone he claims to love. Hell, I know PTSD makes my moral compass point to "evil bastard" a lot of the time but I would not do that to anyone no matter what. I felt like life was taunting me. See the things you want the most don't even mean anything to other people and you still cannot have it.

As far as your comment, "You can't fix that kind of broken, he has to", I get that. I really do. But I wanted to be by his side while he fixed it. I really really did. But I couldn't. I have a 3 year old daughter who I simply couldn't expose to that level of agression.

I think that's where we are different. I only have shown aggression once during my entire time of suffering of PTSD. It was to someone who tried to mug me and a girl I was walking home. It was less CQC and more wild anger flailing because I didn't like being threatened. I remember after the fight joking to the medics and my friends that "its alright, its not my blood" but hell that was the only time I lost control. I think I am not that aggressive, just cruel and sarcastic with statements and words.

I cannot imagine anyone hurting a child. I had to treat a kid in iraq. A checkpoint got attacked and they tried to flee into a wall. The two parents in the front died instantly and the child's foot was wedged into the front seat. He was bleeding internally so I had to move him fast. So I amputated his foot below the knee with a knife I soaked in ethanol. He lived but I won't forget the screaming ever. I cannot abide by people who are dangerous to children.

In short, I would like to hear about your original experiences. I still love the lady in question. We still talk and I still imagine a future where we are together but the anger is all but gone.

A