I'm barreling toward 40 and loveless. I'm a good-looking guy who has experienced mutual love in the past, but I've never gone the distance.
The question in my mind is does my having PTSD affect my love life? Does it affect my choice in potential partners and does it play a role when I turn away women who, on paper, should be a match?
I'm conflicted, uncertain, frustrated and lonely at the same time.
During the course of my twenty-year battle with PTSD, love hasn't been at the top of my list. Surviving the day-to-day of PTSD, struggling to make sense of intense nightmares, dealing with a ferocious exagerated startle reflex, crying at seemingly inane stimuli, all of these things have been lasting gifts from the day my friend shot himself at my house. And I carry a backpack of guilt with me, too; I shouldn't forget that.
In general, I throw up roadblocks, it seems, that keep me from dating, or that make it very difficult for me to succeed:
- I'm too unstable or emotionally taxed
- I'm too busy
- Love can wait ... "I'm still young"
- "She's not the right one for me"
- Or on a few occasions I've sabotaged the relationship
But meanwhile, I long for love and want to break the cycle of being loveless, lost and lonely.
Through the years, I've pioneered an existence dominated by solitude, as a means of coping with PTSD. Being on my own, both figuratively and literally, has been the best and the worst of my existence during the past two decades.
In turn, I'm quite selective socially, both where I go and with whom I spend time. Most times, I either opt for the safety of good friends or isolation. Concerning dating, the paradox is this: deep down I want to be in a committed relationship that leads to marriage; however, it seems that the dominant force in my psyche is that which still feels threatened and vulnerable. I want this to change and wish I could flip a switch.
Year ago, nightmares haunted me in my sleep every night, waking me in a fit of terror every half hour. I recall at the time hating these dreams but loving that they seemed to nurture a piece of my disjointed mind, however illogical that may sound.
These days, the nightmares are mostly gone, and I don't miss them a bit. In retrospect, the dreams were, in a way, a "PTSD quilt" I held onto in a misplaced attempt to never forget a friend I loved as a brother.
So, now I wonder, has the torment quilt been passed to new aspects of my psyche? Am I holding onto my solitary existence just as I relished the violent nightmares that haunted me everpresently in my sleep during the first decade of PTSD?
To the participants in this valuable forum, what has been your experience with PTSD and the search for a partner in life? Can any of you relate? Have you broken your own cycle? Please chime in. I want to make changes in my life, and hope to hear how you've conquered similar challenges or how you manage similar situations in your current life.
Thanks for reading. And as always, yo soy perdido.
The question in my mind is does my having PTSD affect my love life? Does it affect my choice in potential partners and does it play a role when I turn away women who, on paper, should be a match?
I'm conflicted, uncertain, frustrated and lonely at the same time.
During the course of my twenty-year battle with PTSD, love hasn't been at the top of my list. Surviving the day-to-day of PTSD, struggling to make sense of intense nightmares, dealing with a ferocious exagerated startle reflex, crying at seemingly inane stimuli, all of these things have been lasting gifts from the day my friend shot himself at my house. And I carry a backpack of guilt with me, too; I shouldn't forget that.
In general, I throw up roadblocks, it seems, that keep me from dating, or that make it very difficult for me to succeed:
- I'm too unstable or emotionally taxed
- I'm too busy
- Love can wait ... "I'm still young"
- "She's not the right one for me"
- Or on a few occasions I've sabotaged the relationship
But meanwhile, I long for love and want to break the cycle of being loveless, lost and lonely.
Through the years, I've pioneered an existence dominated by solitude, as a means of coping with PTSD. Being on my own, both figuratively and literally, has been the best and the worst of my existence during the past two decades.
In turn, I'm quite selective socially, both where I go and with whom I spend time. Most times, I either opt for the safety of good friends or isolation. Concerning dating, the paradox is this: deep down I want to be in a committed relationship that leads to marriage; however, it seems that the dominant force in my psyche is that which still feels threatened and vulnerable. I want this to change and wish I could flip a switch.
Year ago, nightmares haunted me in my sleep every night, waking me in a fit of terror every half hour. I recall at the time hating these dreams but loving that they seemed to nurture a piece of my disjointed mind, however illogical that may sound.
These days, the nightmares are mostly gone, and I don't miss them a bit. In retrospect, the dreams were, in a way, a "PTSD quilt" I held onto in a misplaced attempt to never forget a friend I loved as a brother.
So, now I wonder, has the torment quilt been passed to new aspects of my psyche? Am I holding onto my solitary existence just as I relished the violent nightmares that haunted me everpresently in my sleep during the first decade of PTSD?
To the participants in this valuable forum, what has been your experience with PTSD and the search for a partner in life? Can any of you relate? Have you broken your own cycle? Please chime in. I want to make changes in my life, and hope to hear how you've conquered similar challenges or how you manage similar situations in your current life.
Thanks for reading. And as always, yo soy perdido.
