Loving Myself

[whserenitynluv]

For the last month I've kinda been lost. I have been grasping at straws and hoping someone would come and rescue me. I wondered why everyone else in the world had a great lifestyle while I struggled, and it took me to a very dark place. Although I'm not completely healed, I thought" would I love me if I met me? Are my expectations of the one who rescues me the same?" This has been a hard road so far, and all I have wanted to do is lay down and watch the day away with netflix, some antihistamines and some more sleep. The problem is I was looking in the mirror today when I finished with my bath. I have lost a lot of weight, look a little on the pale side, and couldn't say I love you. I read something interesting on the Internet, and ironically it was a mirror relationship with myself that this person was having. I am on the verge of losing my home, I have no income , I've been looking for work and got assistance for my rent, but it didn't pay it all. My landlords aren't so forgiving, so I face the ultimate consequence. I haven't said anything, but I kept beating myself up. The fact is I have been doing the best that I can with what I have. Looking for work every day, my plan is to join the laborers union. I have two potential jobs ahead. If I want a loving life I have to be loving. Being loving means I have to have my feet on the ground. So if any of you have any tips, please let me know. I cannot sit on the pity potty anymore, even though the stressors are pretty much eating me alive. Putting good vibes out there and walking forward trying to hold my head up. If this offers relief to anyone then my job is done for the day.

 

[Dana1010]

All I can say is it sucks that people with PTSD are expected to get up and haul it into work everyday as though everything's fine when we're in fact broken into a thousand pieces. I've heard it's tough to get disability assistance but you can try. If you have a therapist, he or she should have some information about it. There have been some threads on work at home jobs on this site, and I recommend you search for them.

I wondered why everyone else in the world had a great lifestyle while I struggled, and it took me to a very dark place.

Basically the story of my life here. I've just about spent all the reserves of jealousy and self-loathing in me, though, and these days I just look the other way when I see one of those people coming. I was just thinking earlier today about how little my life resembles anything I ever imagined or wanted. I sat in silence and looked around the room and thought, "Wow, this person has no life at all." Then a funny thing happened, and I began to feel grateful for the moments of authenticity I experience lately, the richness of having no one else to please, enjoying simple things. Maybe the 24/7 masquerade ball isn't much of a life.

 

[Whirlwind]

Putting good vibes out there and walking forward trying to hold my head up. If this offers relief to anyone then my job is done for the day.

I like your sentiment, I'm going to remember it. I think you just gave yourself the best tip :)

The fact is I have been doing the best that I can with what I have.

It is hard, and the situation is very real and sometimes your best doesn't feel like enough but it really is all you can do.

All I can offer is that my best is to get out in the world, I want to feel bad some days, submerge myself in netflix and so I made a deal with myself, I give myself time allotments....certain days where I can just disappear and time limits for thinking of the what if's and feeling bad.

It helps, I do give myself that time and then I move onto other things as much as I can, or at least follow my daily to-do where I make myself go outside, be around people etc.. Recently I failed at something...and I let myself wallow in it but then...decided the up side of the situation and I am catching myself blaming myself, not gonna happen, I did the best I could too. I'm sorry to hear of your housing worries! That's stressful, I've been there. To be honest, I have told myself in times like that, until it happens, no point in worrying, easier said than done I know. I've lived in my car, I do understand.

Best of luck with your jobs, take care, Whirlwind