Made Progress But Now I'm A Mess

[jadebear]

My session with my T. went pretty good yesterday. I feel I made major progress. There has been something he has been waiting for me to say out loud, but I haven't been able to say it. It was one of the most shameful incidents and one that I was being most secretive about.

I didn't even have to say it out loud, he said it for me. I just acknowledged what he said. And it felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders and made me feel like I can start to move forward finally.

But then last night, I started having major anxiety, major guilt, major depression, major everything. Today it's even worse. I can't even breathe right, I'm taking these short little gasping breaths. I can't even think clearly and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just enjoy the accomplishment instead of feeling the way I do right now?

 

[Nyx]

Because you haven't solved the issues surrounding the event. Did you break it down together with your T after he said it and you aknowledged it?

 

[jadebear]

We went through the entire story again, this time adding what I wouldn't say out loud. I knew he already knew what I wasn't saying, it was pretty obvious. I had hinted and skirted around it so many times. So him just bluntly saying it was a huge relief.

I thought once it was said out loud I would feel so much better. I do feel better, yet it also made it real and I feel like I'm re-living it now. That just pisses me off. The progress I've been waiting and hoping for has left me feeling like total shit.

 

[Nyx]

It won't be like this forever. This is the "getting worse part" everyone is talking about. It doesn't have to happen to everybody, but it does happen. And when it does, you can really feel that you are re-living it just because you are exposing yourself to something you had locked down. Now that it is out in the open, your defences have dropped a little and you're more exposed to the event. But this will pass and the progress will still be there. Just hold on.

You'll still have to work on it, this isn't the end, but it is a step forward. Try to rest a little. My heart goes out to you, as I had these feelings too for the last few days. But the intensity of it went away, the feeling is bearable now. Hang on, you'll get there too.

Take care.

 

[cherryblossom]

Yep, totally agree with Nyx, "it has to get worse before it gets better". You have made a huge step fowards. Yes, you still have more to work on. But you only have more to work on because you were able to get this out. Ride this out, and make it to your next therapy session, and the one after that. Then things will start to get better. Hang in there Jade.
CB

 

[anthony]

With accomplishment you are being naive to think you won't have fallout. See... you are beating yourself up for having fallout, like you have a success then fail, but you are concentrating on being negative surrounding a positive. The truth is that with any accomplishment in healing, you MUST expect fallout. You accept that fallout is part of the process, because that is fact, and you rest during the fallout, then work on coming back up again, then you hit the next part of the puzzle, then the same will occur. With each piece of the puzzle you solve, being your trauma history, you find fallout less and less each time round as you improve your skills to recover, ie. you accept fallout, maybe set a limit to rest day one after accomplishment, but then go for a 30 minute walk day 2 or 3, as your recovery task. If that is the only thing you do that day, then you force yourself and ensure you do it... then set goals for each consecutive day based around what you know works wonders... exercise is one of those things.

Stop thinking your going to make forward strides though without fallout... if you didn't have the fallout, I wouldn't believe you made forward strides.

 

[jadebear]

I have been working on this incident with my T. for so long and have told the story so many times. I just assumed adding the one part I had been keeping secret would be no big deal. So I really wasn't expecting fallout this time. I know you have told me quite a few times in the past to expect it, but IDK, I always think I can avoid it or fake my way through somehow. And then I get pissed at myself for feeling like shit.

 

[Nyx]

Well, you gave yourself the answer. You told the story but you were keeping a secret. That was the part needing healing and not the story - because you had already gone through that one. And that is why you had fallout.

Getting pissed at yourself is a stage of it anyway, so go ahead and get angry. Tomorrow will be better.

 

[Nicolette]

I always think I can avoid it or fake my way through somehow. And then I get pissed at myself for feeling like shit.

When something is biting you on the proverbial ar*e, you can pretend it is not there but it will eventually hurt you when you are forced back into reality. The same is with dealing with your trauma. The less you 'fake it' the more you will 'make it' as by being honest to others you are inadvertently being honest with yourself.

We all know you have to crawl before we can walk....dealing with your trauma and letting out secrets is letting go of the old you and starting back with a new you so you have to expect to go backwards (to crawling) before going forwards (walking). Bad analogy but I hope you get my point.

 

[jadebear]

I do get your point Nicolette. And I do get what everybody says too....

Maybe I should start taking other people's advice and really listen to what they say instead of always trying to do things my own way or thinking things will be/are different for me. My way doesn't work.

 

[cherryblossom]

You were keeping a secret, so sharing that secret will have fall out. But, that fallout is all part of getting stronger. Yeah, it sucks .... it's pure hell, but otherwise these secrets keep eating away and prolonging our pain.

I don't even think you need to listen to others. Just take a really good dose of your own advice.

We all have so much empathy for each other, yet are so hard on ourselves. I am no different. If I wrote what you had written, jade, you would give me some sound advice. We need to be kinder to ourselves.

I will try. Will you?

 

[jadebear]

I will try. Will you?

I guess I could try.....