Sexual Assault Made Progress But Sex Is Harder

[Mosaic]

I had my follow up session with my therapist a few weeks ago. She thinks I've made good progress and don't give myself credit for the things I've achieved, but says from here on, if I'm happy to do so, I can "be my own therapist" and carry on my road to recovery without therapy. If I want to go back the options there but I will have to go on a waiting list again.
I am feeling positive about having finished my therapy but I still feel like I'm reeling from everything that's happened to me and pretty overwhelmed. There's been people on here who have been ... Assaulted ... 3 times or more by different people and I have the most enormous amount of respect for you. It may seem like a silly thing to say but the fact that I'm only 20 years old and have been through 2 assaults makes me fear for my future because after everything I've been through, if it ever happened again I don't think I could carry on.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I have been in the past after my second assault when my PTSD was at its worst and had more than one poor attempts on taking my own life but I feel like my trauma gauge is as full as I could cope with.

Despite the fact I've made progress for some reason sex seems to be getting more difficult. I feel like I can't cuddle my boyfriend as much because he will end up wanting sex and it's getting harder and harder to relax my mind and body when we do. I just feel so tense and I almost get worried when I know he's going to want it because 90% of the time I don't and I feel guilty. He is very understanding, he doesn't put pressure on me, when we do have sex he won't make me feel like I have to do it. Yet for some reason I had a dream the other night where I was being assaulted over and over quite violently, and my attacker was my boyfriend. Like what the f*ck?!
Surely this should be getting easier, am I doing something wrong?

On the positive side of things, I just found out this morning the man who attacked me in my second (and much worse) assault has moved away!!!! maybe this will help from now on!

 

[Seagreen]

Are you feeling like youre not ready to stop therapy?

 

[The Albatross]

Have you had your last session? I'd bring up the difficulty cuddling and anticipatory stress of your boyfriend wanting sex. Whoops... ignore the former, you said "follow up". Relaxation techniques or a couples retreat?

 

[Mosaic]

I feel ready to stop therapy because she's taught me so much and I feel that the problems I have going forward won't magically be fixed my seeing my T more. I just have to remember everything she's taught me and try not to relapse though it's very hard at the minute.
I try very hard with the sex but it feels like I'll never fully enjoy it the same, I don't know whether the best approach is to keep trying or to just not bother.

 

[InvisibleSun]

Your situation is very similar to mine when I was your age. My heart bleeds for you..and I commend your strength to seek help at such a young age. I just ran from all my pain and I wasted many years as a result. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to face your demons and heal from these atrocities..

I think that you might want to stay celibate for awhile, though. There is no need for you to have sex when you are still in such a vulnerable state. It seems as though you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I did the same thing after my last assault. I, too, saw my boyfriend attacking me in my nightmares and sex was never the same. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend and lay everything out on the table. You are not doing anything wrong, you just need time to heal..Good Luck!

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

Not just you. Found it really difficult to even hug people for a while. Not so much now but still very wary of meeting new people. I dipped my feet in the dating pool, I thought I found someone special but couldn't even handle a gentle touch on my arm. Really could have had something special there. We don't talk anymore. I miss it. But at least I know I'm capable of feeling that way about someone again which I really cherish. Sex is just out of the picture, has been ever since. Still, I live in hope. Things have got better with time so far, maybe in a little while more I'll get there.

I hated myself for a long while and felt guilty about being this way. But when I stopped beating myself about it and putting so much pressure on myself I made a lot of progress. I accepted things were not ok, and I was ok with that. Go easy on yourself - don't be your own worst enemy.

 

[halflifeguy]

I had my follow up session with my therapist a few weeks ago. She thinks I've made good progress and don'...

Your post really struck a chord! I can relate... I also found intimacy became more stressful/difficult as my recovery progressed. A coping mechanism that was getting me though intimacy to that point was being displaced my newly released inner true-self (a good thing) but the inner self was still wounded and needed to recover so intimacy became more stressful. Your causes may be different... but it was frustrating. Sometimes just knowing why is enough for the mind to overcome a problem. If you haven't already, I think you should discuss this new bump in the road with your T... tackling this on your own can be tough because intimacy is a important part of our relationships.

 

[Mosaic]

@halflifeguy i think giving up control is a big issue in sex. Even kissing beforehand I have to clench my teeth together and my fists.
A couple of weeks I tried not having to give up control, not lying on my back, not having him over me and it really helped. I still rarely want to have sex but it's a step. I don't see my T any more so have to try what I can.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad you "touched base"/checked in. Empathize with how difficult this is. You though are making progress where I still am well, not.

 

[halflifeguy]

@halflifeguy i think giving up control is a big issue in sex. Even kissing beforehand...

I wish you luck with this, and that you get the relationship you want.

I hope someone will post on a book or techniques that helped them through this.