Maintain Anger At Parents-or To Understand, Forgive, And Accept

[mamachick]

Those of us that were abused by family or family failed to protect us from events that lead to our own trauma. -what has your healing experience been in regard to forgiving those that have harmed you?

My mother was a depressed alcoholic which led to neglect and abuse. My sisters were much older and I got plenty abuse from them as well. They had learned from her. As a teen and young adult, I was very angry with her. As I got older and began to understand things better, I began a path of forgiving. She died when I was forty two and the last year we spent a lot of time talking -which was helpful. Bottom line-most parents do the best they can. Many had their own history of abuse and trauma and did not know how to cope. They carried it into their childrens lives and often believed it did no effect their kids negatively. I have felt that if I am the generation to stop abuse, I also must be the generation to begin forgiveness. How have others forgiven family?

 

[Heather]

Brat17 - I came across this and I can't tell you what a more fitting time. I've hated my mother sooo much over the years but things have gotten so bad lately with the PTSD turning into a psychotic depression with violent hallucinations that I've been forced to be hospitalized 3 times in the past 6 weeks ( most of the summer ). If it weren't for her taking care of my daughter I don't know what I'd do (she's 7 years old).

I don't know if I've changed or my mother's changed. Her being scared to death of my becoming "sicker" or the new medications that I've been put on. Who knows.

It's like dealing with a totally NEW person. That nasty, mean, critical person that never had anything nice to say is gone. What remains is a warm, caring, supportive person that is my mother? Do I dare say it? Believe it? Utter those words? But it's true. That nice lady in the living room is HER. Amazing. God works in mysterious ways;). It's nice to have this lady around. When she's not wearing her seat-belt and I yell at her to put it on, I actually mean it! I don't want her to go anywhere or have anything bad happen to her.

 

[Martin Taylor]

I find that my dysfunctional parent screwed me up but the enabler betrayed me (in all good intentions). The deeper I get into therapy the more anger I discover I have at her. (Did that make sense?) There is another another string addressing which of the two you may be angrier at, I found it insightful. I think (don't know) that forgiveness is a two way street, I have difficulty forgiving someone that does not fess up and do right. (I think the technical phrase would be atonement.) Otherwise, if you get hurt again your forgiveness may turn to a greater anger. I don't know, just thinking aloud. Heather, I like your story, you are blessed.

 

[Heather]

Good points to keep in mind, Martin.

if you get hurt again your forgiveness may turn to a greater anger.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Brat,

I have spent a long time with my T talking about my relationship with my parents. I eventually came to a stage of 'acceptance'. That is, accepting that they are who they are, there is nothing I can do about it, that they may have 'learnt' behaviors and that they are emotionally retarded people!

However, 'acceptance' is different from a level of 'forgiveness' that would lead to a continued relationship. Both my parents repeatedly let me down since I was a mere child. They repeatedly attack my core beliefs (or hot issues) and abandoned me when I most needed support. It almost got to the point that they want me to stay in any situation where I was being made to suffer! One to be lead to believe that they get off on me suffering!

Every child likes to think the most of their parents and we naturally constantly seek approval and love, despite whatever actions or words they use to harm us. We are wired that way from birth. I realised that I was continuing to engage with them on this basis, and placed a lot of hope they would change their behavior towards me - which lead to being repeatedly let down. I decided that's not a healthy relationship either!

If forgiving your mother makes you happier, then that's what you should strive to do. In my case, I can accept but I can't forgive to the point of engaging. To engage with them or even to receive correspondence from them makes me unhappy. So, I have cut all ties, and I am personally happier for it.

I guess we all need to do what is best for our own circumstance xxoo

 

[Martin Taylor]

Yup. But it is not always easy.

 

[Chris Daniels]

You are so true in your post. I was also abused and the fourth generation to have PTSD. My great grandfather had shell shock and the abuse carried on to the following generations. It took me years to forgive with the help of my beutiful wife and a concusion affecting my memory. A lot of things I can't remeber but kept journeys that I have read through. I took it one day at a time, forgave, but will never forget.

 

[intothelight]

Sometime I think acceptance of who they were; are; what was; and what is, may be the best course. But I think we may have to accept ourselves first, before we can accept them. Otherwise the abuse dynamic just replays.

 

[Martin Taylor]

Yup (again) I'd say more, but wouldn't say it as well.

 

[mamachick]

Heather I am so glad this turned out this way for you-that is awesome. Unfortunately, I like many others did not see the change in parents. However, I think we can forgive (even if that means severing relationships with them.) I have sisters that are absolutely mean spirited and will probably never change-I accept that, I still love them, I understand where they come from and the insecurities that make them mean as snakes. Staying clear keeps me clear.

IMO, forgiving does not mean that we need to have contact with that person, it just means that we have come to understand or have empathy for their situation-which may mean recognizing/acknowledging their mental illness or won victimization and the role it played in their perpetuating the behavior.. It does not negate the pain that we have suffered at the hand of that person, but it is necessary in the process of "letting go". When we reach that point, we no longer need to hold on to the list of injustices they caused against us , be it neglect or abuse.

I think the emotions we have toward others play out on ourselves. In other words, if I cant forgive my mother for her mistakes, how am I going to forgive myself for my errors? I have had plenty of reason to be distrusting of others, but the thing about trust that has the biggest impact on me is my lack of trust in myself. Trusting my ability to use good judgement and recognize untrustworthy people. (Of course we have no guarantee's, but mistakes are generally not lack of intellegence or good sense, they are emotional decisions.) Trust that I am capable of handling whatever situation that comes my way. There is no guarantee that others will not do me wrong, but I need to trust myself enough to know that I can pick up the pieces and go on. If I don't have that trust in myself, I am going to project that on others, which creates fear and even panic. Then comes the case of the "what ifs", which causes us to be very limited. Well I think it is the same with forgiveness. We go to therapy and begin to see the helpless child within us that just wants to be safe, nurtured, have parent approval-then we begin to understand our pain. Yet at some point, (we may never know the truth or details), after we are on the path to our own healing, its difficult to think about the other persons behavior and not recognize that something must have happened to them to cause them to be this way. They were also a small child once and needed the same things we did as small children. It is not an excuse for it in any way.

The bottom line is that we can justify anything. That is what law is all about and what happens in the courtroom daily, who can provide the strongest case-justification. I read an article about a grown man who is in trouble with the law due to violence and his mother goes with him to the psychiatrist. The mother tells the psychiatrist-"my son did hit his wife but it is because he lost his job and he has no self esteem". The psychiatrist replies- "could it be that your son has no self esteem because he hits his wife". It all begins with us and if we want things to change, we have to start making the changes.

On the other hand, forgiveness too soon will come back to haunt us, but that is not real forgiveness. I think if we are getting therapy and working through the individual process, eventually we will all want that and know it is the most healthy for us. I have forgiven my mother but there are others I have not forgive and am just not ready to. If Im not ready to forgive in 5 years, I will consider myself very stuck. Of course it depends on the extent of the damage and our own time frame.

 

[Anna]

I was emotionally neglegted and abused by my mother. When I experienced a traumatic event in my teens the problem with my mother escalated because I did not recieve the support I needed at the time. Luckily I had professional help from a trained professional. They saw the reason behind everything was my mother. At the time I could not accept this as I still loved my mother.

I left at a very young age and still kept contact with her. It was hard as I was very angry at the time. Over the years she has apologised to me, she admitted that she was wrong and sought out professional help. She has changed completly. It took 10 years but I have learned to forgive her. I still cannot forget how badly she treated me but I can understand now that she was ill, it was not deliberate. It was the symptoms of her illness turning her into this monster.

I have accepted that it has happened and that she has changed. I have learned to forgive her, but it was very hard. We never speak of the past. I cannot ever talk to her about it.

 

[MouseWedger]

Brat,
It sounds like we have somethings in common. My mother was a bipolar, drug addicted alcoholic. (OK, so maybe just the drinking part!) She was very neglectful, and very abusive. I still cant remember most of it because it was so awful. Most of the time I realize that I can't blame her for a lot of what happened because she is sick, and then I'm semi-OK with the things that happened. Other times I'm just really angry and feel that her illness was no excuse, but for a long time (and still the majority of the time) it helps to believe if she hadn't been mentally unstable things might not have turned out the way they did.
Mouse