Maintain Anger At Parents-or To Understand, Forgive, And Accept

[Srain]

Martin Taylor said: [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/goto/post?id=251369#post-251369"]↑[/DLMURL]

if you get hurt again your forgiveness may turn to a greater anger.​

My forgiveness wasn't hurt again, it was abused, that is quite accurate, but what did take place time and time again over the years was shock and set backs.

 

[BloomInWinter]

What is very difficult for me is all the years I wasted assuming I knew their intent.

I granted/assumed good intent when it wasn't warranted, and this has led to many of my subsequent victimizations.
(This, I *think*, is the most harmful part of my psychological damage from my father).

I granted/assumed malevolent/hostile intent when it wasn't.

This has robbed me of friendships, healthy relationships, accepting support and kindness...and I do believe this is the blowback from discovering so many bad intentions in trusted adults meant I couldn't trust myself to discern and respond to behaviors as they showed happened.

I'd shut down or run.

 

[Incendiu]

I'm not angry, but I have not forgiven them either. I have outgrown them even more than I had by the time I was out of the familypicture, I know they will not change...not for long. I was thrown out of home when I was 15-16 years old. I was glad to leave, if not I would probably not survived long, I was on an edge that night...I have never regret my choise of staying away and they have not once showed any regret ore change in attitude towards me. I become something my "family" always needed. Someone to blame everything at. I let them do that behind my back...as long ast it don't corrupt my little brother. I don't say everything is total lies, not first...but they have been told with compassion of their power and not by understanding of me...and year after year the lies grew larger and there are hardly none with even a bit of truth in them. But this I have been expected from the day I for the last time left their house.

I sure had loved my family to be something else than it have been as long as I can remember. But now I just hope and watch over my little brother.

No for me it's all about trust, and I have never feelt any trust for anyone in my family...but my little brother.
Family is who I choose.

 

[mamachick]

I assume nothing, I agree Bloomin, it leads to wasting time.
We can never know what is in someone else's head. It is always a guess. But in my own experience, when too forgiving we tend to forget, then get burned by someone else and either ignore the signs of seeing it coming or excuse the signs.
Trusting ourself is key and I am having trouble with that very issue at the moment.
For example-I am single and am inclined toward truthful relationships. I have dated someone and shared pain or fears, only for them to use that to cause further harm. This leads to the further cycle that I cant trust myself. So for a long time I avoided any dating. Recently I have been dating this man but am on the fence about being very honest. If I cant really be honest-why bother, so I am inclined to not see him again. I think it is not only that I may not be able to discern but for me- more so to respond in a self protecting way.
Wow, there is so many good responses here. I am so grateful to be part of the forum.

 

[mamachick]

Bloomin-thanks for your last post. Im sorry you have this issue, but thankful for your ability to share-sure makes me feel a bit less crazy at the moment.

 

[Froggie]

((((Srain))))

 

[just me here]

Just got another big dose of " I should have known better" today.

My incredibly religious parents can rationalise any act, any deceit, any level of passive/aggressive behaviour by telling themselves and beleiving that it is all intended to help some poor soul find their way to christ and foregiveness. And unfortuneatly, my soul is on their list and I just got slammed by another punch I should have seen coming.

I was stupid enough to think that I could reconnect with my dad without my stepmother causing me or my family any pain, this after a 35 year seperation caused by- you guessed it- her religion.

Unfortuneatly, all that has happened has been me finally geytting it that she was just the religious zealot, he was the enabler, the discipline behind her malevolence, the person that should have stepped in and told her to get real, at least stay within the confines of her own chosen church!

She has seemingly struck out on her own, beleiving she is worthy to judge the local churches that practice what is already a very restrictive religion as being too leniant and too loose with the beleifs of the true church. No Lie.

Of course that means she will be witholding all approval of any interaction between dad and I and now I see that he is choosing to bow to her pressure and is throwing me off again, just like he did when she drove me from the house at 14.

I should have known better, I shouldn't have let my anger for her fade away into uselessness. I say use the anger you have to drive them from your life and to keep them out. I wish I had, and bnow I can't wait till I can get the job done -again.

Foregiveness is one thing, but turn the other cheek is for people that are willing to get punched some more. Hopefully today is my last punch. It could have ended 35 years ago, it will be a shame if I am still getting swung on a year from now, a disaster if it lasts 2. I can't imagine living long enough for 35 years to pass, but that would be just plain devestating, it was this time.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((JustMe))))

Wow.

'The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.'

Good for you for trying....and good for you for knowing your limits.

 

[Froggie]

((((JustMe)))), there are so many people who have personal reasons to misuse religion. It is so unfortunate that parents do so with their children. Their efforts to have a social image of being God's right hand can be pretty scary as they have no notion of all the harm that can be done. Just you will know and feel when it will be the right time to leave that situation. Never forget that you have a personal responsability to yourself to care, love and respect yourself (mind, body, soul). Best of luck to you, and linking arms.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((((JustMe)))))))))))))))))

I feel for you and my thoughts are with you. You did nothing wrong, the fault lie with them, some people are not capable of change, sad but true, even as we make the changes this can happen. I have put the fault in my lap all my life and I can finally admit that words and a few empty actions without follow-thru can actually mean nada!

I am not responsible for my mother's side of the relationship. I don't have to forgive, I don't have to have a relationship with her, all I have to do is accept the truth about the person she truly is. I have a right to be angry, I have a right to feel hurt, and I have a right to cry. I have a right to not forgive her and place blame where blame goes, not at my doorstep, I was not the parent, but at hers. I need only to not become bitter and move on with life healing.

Brat has a good time frame, that is if I'm working diligently with my tdoc - if in 5 years it's still this strong of an issues then I'm working my way towards a serious case of bitterness and that's not what I want.....Me, that is.

 

[freakofnurture]

My mother had the best possible background on an intellectual level - educational science and psychology at uni - and she had seen - and disapproved of - my father abusing his younger siblings physically and verbally. She knew better but she didn't act better. Irresponsible. (EDIT: She doesn't show any signs of an emotional connection in relation to what she enabled my father to do to me, her remorse is entirely self-centered. As long as that doesn't change) I won't be able to forgive her and it's not on my list of therapy goals.

I'm still not able to see my father as a human being and there's no point in discussing concepts like 'responsibility' or 'guilt' when it comes to non-human animals.

 

[mamachick]

((((JustMe))))

Wow.

'The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.'

Good for you for trying....and good for you for knowing your limits.

Amen Sister