What Are You Avoiding Doing, That You Really Must Do In Order To Gain, Regain Or Maintain Wellness?

[freakofnurture]

I'm avoiding getting back into a sleep-wake-cycle that is more in synch with that of my husband. It would be good for me to be up by day, to get things done so my husband doesn't think I'm lazy (he doesn't, but I fear it anyways), to not sleep 13 hours at a time and feel all day like I've been trampeled by a really big herd of really obese hamsters (like, really, really obese, with tiny soft feet, it feels kind of disgusting), and just be more 'normal' in a biorhythmical sense.

I'm avoiding it because I can't sleep anyways, because I prefer being awake when it's dark outside and everyone else is sleeping, and because I don't feel that bad for not doing anything productive when it's in the middle of the night.

That's because I fear, it don't think there's a fear at the bottom of that. Maybe a fear of closing my eyes and letting go. It's not that conscious. Maybe being awake all day while everybody else is awake, too feels more dangerous? I don't know. There's this inner resistance. I don't want to be structured. Maybe I want to drown in chaos and not give a crap about anything.

 

[femaleveteran]

hey there freakofnurture....how are ya....I have not seen you around much or else maybe I have not been around much.....anyway good to see you girl! Hope things are going generally okay for you, inspite of the sleep thing of course....I know how it can get after a few nights of little or no sleep....not very much fun at all so good luck on trying to overcome the problem you are having with getting on that sleep wake cycle...Wish I had some advice but I can barely sleep more than an hour and half at a time so I cannot really speak to the whole sleep problem at all. But good luck working on it!

freaknurture wrote:

and feel all day like I've been trampeled by a really big herd of really obese hamsters (like, really, really obese, with tiny soft feet, it feels kind of disgusting),

THAT is the best way of describing how my body physically feels when i have not slept for a couple or three days at a time......I mean that description fits perfectly how I physically feel without sleep.....You got that one spot on there girl!

 

[goingonhope]

Presently I am avoiding taking one small (0.5 mg. Lorazepam) prescribed today.

I am no longer avoiding taking this. I did take one shortly after posting here and it helped; It allowed me to stop driving my husband nuts with all the things that I had to say. It allowed me to stop being so anxious, and after my children fought in the back seat on the ride home from school and I then shook and started jerking my arms towards my head and crying I jetted inside the house and was able to lie down and take a nap while my daughter watched tv.; And, my husband was at home.

And, I'm gonna now take another one, and certain individuals and groups over the years that have so thouroughly brainwashed me, can go kiss my ass. The Tramadol on the other hand I'm gonna just postpone, postpone, postpone unless absolutely necessary.

 

[Reclusive]

Good for you, goingonhope! I've found that lorazepam is milder than some of the other benzos, so it's a good one to start with. Kinda calms you down without shutting you down, which is good.

PS - I haven't gone outside yet. In fact, spent the day in bed and now I can't sleep. Go figure.

 

[Heather]

what if my cats need me .

You make me smile. I'm going to challenge you to get rid of this excuse because unless your cat is severely handicapped i.e. in a kitty-wheelchair etc. I think s/he will be okay if you're outside for a bit;)

 

[Reclusive]

I'm glad I gave you a smile. I know that the cat thing is ridiculous - I don't know if it's because I don't have kids or what, but I worry about them to a point of absurdity. I mean, my fiance's still inside, he can watch them - DUH! But I'm always worried something will happen to them - one thing I really worry about is leaving the house and having someone break in and leave the door open, letting them out. Yeah, not worried about the stuff, worried the cats will get out. Or if there's a fire and they don't get out. I have no control over these things yet they totally dominate my thoughts.

 

[Heather]

Reclusive -

But like you said your fiance' is there so he can get them out if anything happens. You need to look at this stuff logically. The liklihood of anything like that happening is almost zero. And like you wisely noted these are things that are completely out of your control!

 

[Reclusive]

Unless, of course, he's with me at the time. But it's still out of my control and I really need to learn to accept that. Let's put that down on the list, too, of things I'm avoiding doing that I need to do - relinquish control over everything. Also, enjoy the moment I'm in instead of worrying about things that, like you said, are very unlikely to ever happen!

 

[femaleveteran]

my little dog is not in a wheelchair but I worry about being away from her just the same way. for example, here is how sick my fear and paranoia sometimes gets.....now that heather metnioned the idea that a animal could be serverly handicapped, ie. in a wheelchair, I think it maybe could actually happen. So now I am truly worried that if I am not around my little pogo dog every second then she will wind up in a wheelchair! Se how sick and stupid I can be sometimes. I know that it logically would not happen but my brain irrationally believes that it could happen. Of course I also get worried about letting her outside by herself so I have to be out side with her every minute she is out there because some people have had animals shot around here over the last year and no one really klnows who is doing it (I live in a really rural area with mountains on both sides of the little community I live in and so gun fiore is a common thing and someone could sit at a high elevation and shoot an animal right in someone else's yard with no problem....my neighbor had a cow back in the early fall who was getting ready to have a calf and someone shot that poor animal with a crossbow. People think guns are unsafe but you can buy a crossbow without even showing an ID here and they do not do a background check or anything and the thing about those things that scares me is that the arrows can travel at almost the speed of a bullet depending on how good the crossbow is and you can not hear it going off.

anyway these are the types of things that cabn run through my brain as soon as someone makes one little harmless comment......I hate it when my stupid brain acts in such a way.....I absolutely hate it....I never used to think about any such things as these types of things. Anyway, sorry to vent about this here and I hope no one gets mad that I chose to vent about it in this particular thread. Should I have made a new thread up about this? If so I am sorry and I will do that the next time I need to vent.

 

[AmyO]

I avoid going out unless necessary until stressors get so bad I can't stand my apartment. I hate it because I live in an apartment complex with my three boys and the neighbors run a virtual grapevine from one door to another. I can't go out without someone saying the boys are being too loud (in a child's playarea) or I hear the downstairs neighbor complaining that they are playing in their room (afternoon) and stomping too much.

I fear doing this because I will constantly get triggered and I can't. I have to be strong and show no weakness, no emotion, or fear as it will affect the kids. It is getting unhealthy as I can hear him complaining right now that he is pissed off at me because he didn't do nothing to me. I want to throw up.

 

[Heather]

Reclusive this is for you.

 

[Reclusive]

That's really horrible, AmyO. I lived in an apartment once, just me and my fiance, and we kept getting fined for noise disturbances and we were easily the quietest people in the complex. And then the COPS showed up at 2am for a noise complaint and it turned out that a few doors down a young couple had been fighting a lot and my neighbors were blaming me. They never did refund my fines.

Anyways, I mean to say that apartments suck and I'm SO sorry you have to deal with this!

Thank you, Heather - I need to get a big poster that says that.

Another thing I'm avoiding is dealing with my dad. He's SUCH an *sshole! I had to call him today for a reference for car title loan and he was going to refuse to be my reference. I don't know a lot of people and HAD to use him. And then he didn't believe me that I was getting collection letters for him and my uncle at my house. All I said was 'Ok'. I need to confront him about our relationship or cut him off completely and I feel powerless to do either.