So I've been doing a lot of processing for the past two weeks and I think I can say that I've been making actual progress.
For years and years I have split my father into two different people; good guy and bad guy who I shove into a closet in order to ignore his existence. That was my way of protecting myself, but ever since I cut off contact with him it only caused more harm than good. So I looked at the closet and cracked the door open.
My father sexually assaulted me when I was only 13 or so.
I knew what was happening. I was very aware of the situation.
But in my brain I had to reason with myself that he wasn't thinking clearly. He couldn't possibly have been aware of what he was doing and of course he must have forgotten. He tried again, but I was clever enough to avoid the situation.
I came to a realization in the past two weeks. My father was aware of what he was doing just as much as I was aware of what was happening. God, I don't even want to entitle him as any form of a parental figure just because it hurts too much. He knew what he was doing and he is responsible. I own no responsibility. I have no blame and I have nothing to be guilty of. I was only 12 or 13, I shouldn't even have had parental responsibilities let alone have to go through these situations, but I did. And it is what it is.
But I couldn't help wondering if this just invalidated all of the wonderful childhood memories I had with him.
This is where I suppose I get controversial, but I know there is good and bad to everyone. Life isn't black and white. The night sky isn't just black; its a compilation of various hues of blue, gray, purples, and greens. Just because a person did something absolutely terrible. Something atrocious, doesn't mean they are only capable of doing wrong. He had his good moments and I really did have good memories with him. There should be no guilt for acknowledging the good either.
Although I did drop contact with him and it's not likely that I'll contact him in the near future: I don't need to keep separating him into two people. He assaulted me and abused me emotionally, but he also was a father in other ways. He was capable of some forms of love at some points in my life, but he also committed terrible things that should never be associated with such a word. It all comes down to this one quote that I really like (sorry for the DW reference, but I'm a bit of a whovian :p)
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
I know my thoughts in this post are controversial, but this has been a big revelation for me as I continue piecing my life together. For all of you who have been through similar situations, please know that I am sending you the most heartfelt and warm hugs that I can possibly send over the internet :hug: thank you for reading :)
For years and years I have split my father into two different people; good guy and bad guy who I shove into a closet in order to ignore his existence. That was my way of protecting myself, but ever since I cut off contact with him it only caused more harm than good. So I looked at the closet and cracked the door open.
My father sexually assaulted me when I was only 13 or so.
I knew what was happening. I was very aware of the situation.
But in my brain I had to reason with myself that he wasn't thinking clearly. He couldn't possibly have been aware of what he was doing and of course he must have forgotten. He tried again, but I was clever enough to avoid the situation.
I came to a realization in the past two weeks. My father was aware of what he was doing just as much as I was aware of what was happening. God, I don't even want to entitle him as any form of a parental figure just because it hurts too much. He knew what he was doing and he is responsible. I own no responsibility. I have no blame and I have nothing to be guilty of. I was only 12 or 13, I shouldn't even have had parental responsibilities let alone have to go through these situations, but I did. And it is what it is.
But I couldn't help wondering if this just invalidated all of the wonderful childhood memories I had with him.
This is where I suppose I get controversial, but I know there is good and bad to everyone. Life isn't black and white. The night sky isn't just black; its a compilation of various hues of blue, gray, purples, and greens. Just because a person did something absolutely terrible. Something atrocious, doesn't mean they are only capable of doing wrong. He had his good moments and I really did have good memories with him. There should be no guilt for acknowledging the good either.
Although I did drop contact with him and it's not likely that I'll contact him in the near future: I don't need to keep separating him into two people. He assaulted me and abused me emotionally, but he also was a father in other ways. He was capable of some forms of love at some points in my life, but he also committed terrible things that should never be associated with such a word. It all comes down to this one quote that I really like (sorry for the DW reference, but I'm a bit of a whovian :p)
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
I know my thoughts in this post are controversial, but this has been a big revelation for me as I continue piecing my life together. For all of you who have been through similar situations, please know that I am sending you the most heartfelt and warm hugs that I can possibly send over the internet :hug: thank you for reading :)
