Majorly triggering event coming up - renewing restraining order - how to handle the stress?

[Sweetleaf]

I'm trying to fill out this paperwork and it's making me sweat like crazy and feel physically ill.

I feel horrible, anxious, I had to stop working on it, and I didn't even get that far into it.

At least I will be working on this stuff with my pdoc/t next week. But this panic and anxiety and wanting to vomit and run and hide is killing me. I don't want to have to go through this hell every year. :(

I know you all keep telling me to get an advocate but it's like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. I really could use some help, but I'm also really afraid of opening up and having some stranger help me with this, and how much that's going to make me react. Ugh.

 

[blackemerald1]

You have a lot going on here - do you have a good friend or family member who could sit down with you and fill out this paper-work... just so you are not alone. I think you may manage and regulate better if you had somebody with you to get this phase over and done with. Get the paperwork done and get it back to the Court. Those documents are very important. Get some help or push through... :hug:

You also may want to start thinking about who may be available to go to the court with you on the day. You will need some support...a friend to sit with you until your case is called... and sit in the court just to bolster your confidence... it feels good to have a familiar face sitting there.

Afterwards it's good to have someone to get the coffee and lead you out of the place too. Do the drive home whatever...just make sure you get home ok. And... depending how you are going possibly stay with you for a while till you steady up a little.

Do you have some support like this?

 

[Freida]

and how much that's going to make me react. Ugh.

Can't be any worse than how you are reacting right now.... :hug:
I get not wanting to tell them what happened, but you may not have to. Their job is to help you thru the RO process, not dig into your life and traumas. So contacting them may be anti climactic..... and if becomes problematic you can walk away. :hug:

 

[TTC18]

The DV advocate isn't going to make you bare your soul. Most courthouses also have lawyers who help with paperwork for free, and the DV advocate will know how to get ahold of those. You may just be able to ask for a renewal without going through everything again - they've already got it all on file. All you have to tell the DV advocate is that he hurt you, and you're afraid, and you need help. You don't have to tell them anything you're not comfortable with telling them - the DV advocate isn't out to re-traumatize you, and they're not your therapist, so they're not wanting you to give details if you don't need to give details. They're just there to make sure you have someone with you in the courtroom, to make sure you're safe, to make sure you get help with paperwork, and so on. :hug:

 

[Swift]

I really wish you didn't have to go through this @Sweetleaf.....

But, I've actually been involved in it from the other side as an activist/advocate, so if that perspective is helpful....

Most DV organisations, you have to be well qualified and well trained. I have jack all in terms of qualifications so it's not a job I'm generally sent on. The ladies (all ladies, sadly, except for my genderqueer arse) who are sent are f*cking brilliant.

Our job is to retraumatized the person as little as f*cking possible. Which means not talking about the trauma, unless people bring it up. We dress well for court and are usually mistaken for lawyers.

We know the courtrooms, we know the schedule, and we know how to get you TF out of the way of the perp.... We also know the ins and outs of every possible legal accommodation for you as a DV survivor, especially when your partner has confessed.

There's a lot of brilliant people out there devoting their lives so that people like you don't have to go it alone. My colleagues know very little of my history, and I know very little of theirs, but there's a degree of mutual understanding there.

Our job is to be a rock - be a person who's totally calm, totally steady and totally a source of comfort rather than "trying to help".

I'm a big believer in practice makes perfect - you've done this twice, and the perp is your perp. These ladies have done the same process for dozens of hundreds of survivors.

I know why I'm involved with this stuff. It's because I understand it and I have the skills to help people like me. I may not be qualified, but I'm a damn good researcher, and I can have a calming vibe when I've got my game face on.

Believe me, these people will make things better rather than worse.

 

[TTC18]

I really wish you didn't have to go through this @Sweetleaf.....

But, I've actually been involved in it from the other side as an activist/advocate, so if that perspective is helpful....

Most DV organisations, you have to be well qualified and well trained. I have jack all in terms of qualifications so it's not a job I'm generally sent on. The ladies (all ladies, sadly, except for my genderqueer arse) who are sent are f*cking brilliant.

Our job is to retraumatized the person as little as f*cking possible. Which means not talking about the trauma, unless people bring it up. We dress well for court and are usually mistaken for lawyers.

We know the courtrooms, we know the schedule, and we know how to get you TF out of the way of the perp.... We also know the ins and outs of every possible legal accommodation for you as a DV survivor, especially when your partner has confessed.

There's a lot of brilliant people out there devoting their lives so that people like you don't have to go it alone. My colleagues know very little of my history, and I know very little of theirs, but there's a degree of mutual understanding there.

Our job is to be a rock - be a person who's totally calm, totally steady and totally a source of comfort rather than "trying to help".

I'm a big believer in practice makes perfect - you've done this twice, and the perp is your perp. These ladies have done the same process for dozens of hundreds of survivors.

I know why I'm involved with this stuff. It's because I understand it and I have the skills to help people like me. I may not be qualified, but I'm a damn good researcher, and I can have a calming vibe when I've got my game face on.

Believe me, these people will make things better rather than worse.

I know this isn't directed at me - but - this is really comforting to know as I struggle with whether or not to actually utilize the DV advocate's help that keeps being offered to me. Thanks for being there for people who need it. To you and the ladies who work with you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Update. My pdoc and I email periodically, I emailed her about how even looking at the paperwork makes me nauseous, and she offered to help me go over it during the next session.

I just freeze up and don't even know what to write.

I don't really want to go to an advocate, though I think I'm going to contact a place anyway.

I know I don't have to bear everything to them, but given what was discussed at the last hearing, and even the small amount of disclosure I have to do to get the restraining order and fill out the paperwork and stuff, and talk about in the hearing - that all makes me feel really shameful and makes me want to do it alone even though I really could use someone there.

 

[Freida]

Ok -- I know you are gonna hate this but.....

that all makes me feel really shameful and makes me want to do it alone even though I really could use someone there.

maybe that is the point? To have another group of people from the been there/done that crowd work on the shame aspect? As in you have nothing to be ashamed of??? Would hearing it again from them help as you try to move past it?

Just tossing it out there.... :hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

Today is the 1 year anniversary of me filing for the restraining order, and getting the temporary 20 day order.

I havent even done my therapy homework because it all drives me into such a panic. I cant bring myself to do it, I'm already like covered in sweat and panicking almost constantly. I'm very shakey and on edge too, really hypervigilant. I hate that this all has to happen so close to the worst anniversaries.

Having a hard time coming here or reading this thread but I wanted to share this stuff.

 

[Freida]

I havent even done my therapy homework because it all drives me into such a panic. I cant bring myself to do it, I'm already like covered in sweat and panicking almost constantly. I'm very shakey and on edge too, really hypervigilant. I hate that this all has to happen so close to the worst anniversaries.

I so wish I could help you with this. I'm so sorry :hug:

 

[Friday]

I know you all keep telling me to get an advocate but it's like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. I really could use some help, but I'm also really afraid of opening up and having some stranger help me with this, and how much that's going to make me react. Ugh.

1. Your old restraining order and court transcripts should be on file. Which will save you a lot of saying anything, and a victims advocate can fill out the paperwork for you based on the old one... IF...

2. There doesn’t have to be a violation of the first, to allow the second.

<<< I don’t know your state’s laws, in mine orders of protection have to have been broken to be renewed (ie you have no grounds for a new one if they obeyed the old one, which is so retarded as to be brain dead IMO) , meanwhile the other 2 types of orders (I can’t remember their names, my state has 3 personal ones, and all 3 can be issued, or they can be issued singly or in combination) don’t have to be violated, but cause to reissue has to be shown (ie without the order it’s likely contact would resume unabated, like they live in the same area and shop at the same stores and send kids to the school you send your kids to, etc.) for 1, or there is no compelling reason to drop it (like facilitating custodial transfer).

3. You are able to get a victims advocate -or lawyer- to make things easier on you.

The upside of a pro helping you is not only that you won’t have to fill out anything yourself, but also that they’re used to dealing with people who can’t/won’t talk about things, and who need shoring up.

 

[Sweetleaf]

So I am sitting in the waiting room, waiting to go before a judge for the temporary 20 day order that precedes the main one. I'm up next.

I'm here alone - last time I was with my (abusive) mother. Being alone is preferable to that.

I have been so anxious in the past days.

@Friday Here, the law doesnt care if they obeyed the past order, thank f*ck.

I got this far on my own. Kinda impressed at myself and relieved that I'm actually here finally getting it done, but at the same time I am anxious as all f*ck. Sweaty palms and everything.

I am in much better condition than I was last year, though, sitting in the very same waiting area.

I'll update afterwards.

God damn this is triggering as f*ck.

There was a guy seeing if the restraining order against -him- was dismissed... one involving violence with a weapon. That guy creeped me the f*ck out and made me feel unsafe - but it was also sad to watch.