Make the pain stop. bad relationship, bad breakup, stuck.

[Sociopathsurvior]

I always pride myself in being independent and never allowing someone to get to the center of my core, 4 months ago I met a man that did exactly that. We met while he was on town for a conference, spent the week together and honestly never anticipated seeing or hearing from him again. I was ready to write it off as a fun filled week. I was wrong, this man continued to text me daily. To the extent that I was so overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't think about anything else. Then a month in right when he knew he got me he told me he was polyamory. I was crushed and confused, but I was already hooked. I had fallen for him and thought things could change. I kept holding on to hope, only to have another lie exposed that he wasn't divorced. He said he was but didn't know he needed to specify which one. This is when I found out that he was married to wife #4 at 42. Over the next two months, I watched my life dishevel before my eyes as I so desperately tried to hope that some good would come of things with him and that he did indeed really love me. I tried to leave him twice in this time only to get sucked back in. I finally had a breaking moment when I was convinced that I was not the only one in addition to his that he was seeing. I went and got tested for STD's and that was by far the most humiliating thing ever. That night he sent me by far the most disturbing picture I had ever received. It was him on all fours with his ass in the air and his balls hanging. I couldn't understand why anyone would send such thing when I didn't ask for it. I showed my best friend and she was just as disturbed as I and advised it was time I left for good and even told his wife as she is in the dark as I was and that he wasn't poly.

I text her and told here everything and just as I suspected she didn't know. He wasn't poly and he had lied to me about everything even down to the fact he was on his fifth marriage at 42. She revealed to me more than I wanted to know. The things she has done to make him happy, that she's given him 135k just to help him move across country and also start a business that never got off the ground. This was all before she married him and he's yet to repay her. She also admitted that she caught him a year ago cheating, dating 3 different women at once and none knew about each other. She said she stayed true to her vows and they started working on their marriage and he swore never to do it again yet she now knows he never stopped. This woman confided in me about so much and I did the same only to tell her I couldn't continue to text her as it wasn't helping my growth or pain and that I was still intertwined to him.

This wknd though I had a weak moment, I text him and he was beyond crude and even said that he and his wife had collaborated and were laughing at me...my pain that he caused and did to her. I think the biggest thing I cannot overcome and wrap my head around is that she may very well stay with him after all of it. I know it shouldn't be my concern but I don't understand why a woman would have such little self respect for herself and allow him to use her as a doormat as he will never stop. Nor do I understand how he can cause all this pain and him and his wife just go back to living their happy lives like nothing just happened and I'm just left here trying to piece my life together. I cry all the time, I haven't truly been happy in months since meeting him. I just want my life back.

 

[Friday]

Had you been diagnosed with PTSD prior to this? Or are you a supporter (friend/family member) of someone with PTSD?

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I just went through something similar. Do you have a therapist? You've been through a lot. I understand your pain. It's awful. How could someone just do something like that and then just walk away laughing? How could a woman stay with a husband like that? I get it. I ask myself the same two things often. When you've been so close to someone and really believed that they loved you and that you were deeply connected, only to have it turn out to be an illusion is one of the most painful things. It's horrible and shattering. I know it.

To get your old life back, being aware of the ways that you see yourself and your identity as being defined by this experience will definitely help. Notice when you do that and resist it. I noticed that you selected a username that defines your identity on here via this experience. It might be a good idea to think about what you would have called yourself before this experience and remind yourself of that daily.

 

[EveHarrington]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

It’s quite sad that some are blinded by perhaps their need to be loved (?) in order to keep these kinds of men in their lives.

It’s good that you were able to uncover the truth before getting in too deep. It’s just sad that there are so many men out there who behave this way.

 

[Sociopathsurvior]

I just went through something similar. Do you have a therapist? You've been through a lot. I under...

I have a therapist, but I just feel so alone like I have no one else that understand what I'm going through. I try to talk to my friends and family and they're just like move one you had a bad relationship. Because its that easy? OMG i wish it were that easy. I cry constantly. I tried to think of the last time I ate and I think it was Saturday night. I'm exhausted and feel extremely alone. Like the pain never stops. Why would she stay? I can't wrap my head around it. Why are they laughing at my pain?

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

It’s quite sad that some are bl...

I agree, but it's even worse that women allow themselves to be a doormat to these men

 

[Sighs]

@Friday has already asked, but you haven't responded. Did you have PTSD before you met this man? What you have described is not a Criterion A trauma and therefore by definition cannot cause PTSD. This is a forum for PTSD sufferers and their supporters.

 

[Sociopathsurvior]

@Friday has already asked, but you haven't responded. Did you have PTSD before you me...

Had you been diagnosed with PTSD prior to this? Or are you a supporter (friend/family member) of someone...

Yes I did.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi @Sociopathsurvior - I've moved your thread into the sufferer's area, since you say that it's you who has been diagnosed with PTSD.

I know you said you are in therapy - are you specifically doing any work on your PTSD trauma in there? Do you think that might be playing into some of your reactions? Because yes - breakups are very hard, and yes - one can and does get past them. It takes some time and some work. But it sounds like you are reacting in a way that is keeping you stuck, and I'm curious whether you see connections between that and your PTSD.

We met while he was on town for a conference, spent the week together and honestly never anticipated seeing or hearing from him again. I was ready to write it off as a fun filled week. I was wrong, this man continued to text me daily. To the extent that I was so overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't think about anything else. Then a month in right when he knew he got me he told me he was polyamory. I was crushed and confused, but I was already hooked

You're describing him like a predator, and yourself like a victim. While I do think he sounds very manipulative, it might actually also help you to do some looking at the choices you made in the situation. I'm not saying that so you feel bad; only so that you can perhaps re-frame this as something that really sucks that can happen to people, and it happened to you - you got sucked in by an attention-seeker, and you were used. It's truly shitty, but also, it can be recovered from. That just takes some time.

Over the next two months, I watched my life dishevel before my eyes as I so desperately tried to hope that some good would come of things with him and that he did indeed really love me. I tried to leave him twice in this time only to get sucked back in

The important thing to be looking at here is, what was going on in you that contributed to you going back to him? Is this a pattern you've demonstrated in other relationships? Or, what else was going on in your life that may have contributed? Or - was it possibly behavior that stems from some unresolved PTSD stuff?

He wasn't poly and he had lied to me about everything even down to the fact he was on his fifth marriage at 42. She revealed to me more than I wanted to know. The things she has done to make him happy, that she's given him 135k just to help him move across country and also start a business that never got off the ground. This was all before she married him and he's yet to repay her.

Sounds like he's a real jerk.

This wknd though I had a weak moment, I text him and he was beyond crude and even said that he and his wife had collaborated and were laughing at me...my pain that he caused and did to her. I think the biggest thing I cannot overcome and wrap my head around is that she may very well stay with him after all of it. I know it shouldn't be my concern but I don't understand why a woman would have such little self respect for herself and allow him to use her as a doormat as he will never stop.

I bolded the three important bits.

To me, it sounds like you are projecting your own frustration/confusion/anger with yourself onto her. As you said, in a weak moment, you texted him. This part:

I don't understand why a woman would have such little self respect for herself and allow him to use her as a doormat as he will never stop.

Is not just her, it's what you have done as well - and by texting him and keeping the relationship alive, you're still doing it.

People stay in bad situations for all sorts of reasons. It doesn't really matter why she's staying. What matters to you is, what was going on with you that led you to keep trying to make things work with this guy, even after you knew it was a bad idea? There's something you're getting from it, and if you can pin down what it is, it will probably help you to move on from him.