Making Other People's Days

[Queen Boudica]

Now is this complex trauma or is this just normal?

Even if I have done something very important in my life, that will benefit me immensley , well that is not as important to me as if I have made someone else happy that I have done it or I have helped someone else along the way. And even writing that, I feel terribly selfish thinking of myself benefiting from something I have done. It is not right, someone else should be benefiting for it to be good.

Like I feel happy when I hear them say "You've made my day" but the fact that I have done something so amazing for myself, that just does not give me the same pleased happy feeling, in fact I just feel, "Well I have done it, so what? It was a big step, but I don't deserve any praise or acknowledgement, I should have done it anyway. It is not that important. I do not deserve praise. I feel embarassed by it"

But it is much more important to me that I have made someone else's day. I will feel happy all day thinking about that!

 

[MouseWedger]

I can completely understand what you're saying - it's almost like one some level, you feel like you're not important enough to warrant that happiness. Lizio, you are important enough to me! Go plant a flower tomorrow, or do a cartwheel like you did when you were a kid and celebrate YOU!

 

[intothelight]

Making someone else's day makes me feel like I really have a purpose for my existence. I am happy when I am able to do something that means something to someone else, even if it is as simple as making them smile. It is not a negative behavior as long as I am not doing it to appease them, but strictly to please them. Just because I want to.

 

[heidi]

purpose is always very important. I think when we are younger (or living life fully), it's easier to feel our lives have meaning. I think when you drop out a little bit you notice purpose missing the most.

 

[Jacquie]

I was trained into not acknowledging any success of my own. They didn't...so I didn't. It was like it was invisible. But acknowledgement came when I gave them gifts, took care of them, complimented them, boosted up their egos (usually unwarranted) and I only learned a few years ago that they hated me like h*ll because I was always good at things? HUH?

Bottom line is that if I wasn't at THEIR beck and call and supporting THEM and pandering to THEM there was a violent backlash, which I avoided by wiping their ar*ses for half a century.

I don't now. But I still have high expectations of myself and don't do little happy dances when I achieve. Achieving is an expectation I have of myself. I therefore groan and gnash teeth when I do not achieve.

 

[maddog]

Oh Lizio, I could have written your message myself. I feel utterly ambivalent towards positive things or personal achievements that should make me happy. Actually, I feel downright uncomfortable, as though I have fraudulently obtained something that isn't mine. Praise or acknowledgement leave me downright distressed, sometimes almost viciously so, and in a horribly convaluted way, one of the most distressing and damaging things that anyone can do to me right now is to compliment or draw positive attention to me.

On the other hand, I feel as though trying to do right by others or do even tiny things to help them or improve their quality of life for even just a second, sometimes feels like the only thing in the world that eases the pressure of my shame. My psych has me keep a positive data log on a daily basis, identifying good and positive things that I do. Often, when I review it to identify recurring themes as he has me do from time to time, I see that the only things in a day that make me feel good are the things I do for others.

I suppose there's a balance, somewhere, between taking healthy pleasure from helping others, while preserving your own right to happiness and self acceptance. I don't know where that balance is though.

Maddog

 

[wcdean]

Exact same feeling here. I can do something and feel decent about it, feel some sense of accomplishment but it's the thought of, what else could I have been doing to benefit someone rather than doing what I wanted? I have always struggled to find time for me; I would rather do for others. Now that I am at the pivotal point in my life where I have finally had to accept my PTSD, that time will not make it go away, I feel horribly selfish for being on disability from work and that others are having to pull my weight, even though I have pulled there's many times when they are sick/out of office/child births/ etc. I don't want to put me first; I think that is what (ONE OF THE MANY THINGS) is wrong with people in today's society.

Right there with you MadDog and Lizio.

 

[Srain]

I watched for years while everything achieved was discounted, not enough, called into questioned, under-minded, while at the same time applauded...all very confusing. I would reach for it myself with the same empty feeling for material items but the one thing I always enjoy is making people laugh, feel heard, feel better, feel someone cares, feel someone cares what they've done IS important.

I love it here where you can leave a "like" on what someone has said because i feel you get an opportunity to let someone know you are listening. That means a LOT to me. I feel good about doing it. If it makes someone else feel good along the way then it's a bonus. It's like sending out cards or leaving an anonymous gift. It's always a great feeling, no strings attached.

I hope I'm making sense...:speechless:

 

[wcdean]

Total sense. Never thought of it that way but now will use the "like" button more often. Thank you for opening my eyes to a different way of seeing things.

 

[Queen Boudica]

but the one thing I always enjoy is making people laugh, feel heard, feel better, feel someone cares, feel someone cares what they've done IS important.

(((((((((((((( Srain )))))))))))))))) You make perfect sense.

To have the gift to make people laugh is a very special skill. That is something i wish I had, but I lack the confidence or selfworth. So you are very special Srain to be able to do that.

I, like you, enjoy using the like button. And I don't have any trouble using it as so much of what is written here makes so much sense and is so inciteful and inspiring. I have to push that button.

Keep making people laugh Srain. Laughing and hearing other people laugh is one of the joys of life.

 

[LoyalOne]

I got addicted to giving blood for that exact reason.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I got addicted to giving blood for that exact reason.

You know what is really annoying. For years in the UK I was so squeamish that the slightest drop of blood would cause me to faint. So I could not donate blood.

Now, in Australia, I am no longer squeamish (3 caesarians and an operation to remove an ovarian cyst obliterated my squeamishness. Talk about exposure therapy :eek:) BUT I can't give blood, because Australia does not allow people who lived in the UK at the time of the BSE outbreak to donate blood! :mad: