Maladaptive Daydreaming

[chant2012]

*DD = daydreaming
*MDD = maladaptive daydreaming

Please someone respond. I need some input.

Okay, so I am going to post this. Very nervous... I haven't ever admitted this to anyone really to speak of. But I spend a LOT of time MDD. I've done this for a long time. Not sure when it started. In fact it's been going on for as long as I can remember. But it was in early childhood, I know that.

My DD's in early childhood mostly revolved around being hurt or sick or injured in some way and then being rescued or escaping somehow, always by a male. As a child they also revolved around abuse and rape and stuff too even though I didn't really know what those things were (rape I mean) those didn't start until I was a bit older of a child though. Idk. A lot of these things I used to imagine and DD about were so disgusting. But I don't know how I would know about those things. I guess I was mid childhood (10 until present-25) when things took a turn towards severe negative DD. But I can't be sure. My memory of my life is both fantastic and also horribly impaired.

Now as an adult however my daydreams almost always revolve around being tortured in sadistic ways, being abused and raped. During these DD's (as ashamed as I am to admit this) I will also compulsively masturbate. I have been masturbating like this since I was a VERY small child. I would do the masturbation both during DDing and sometimes not. There was such shame associated with this that I had to hide. I knew I was being bad and dirty. I would masturbate like several times a day. I HAD to. I was told recently that masturbation in childhood is normal developmentally. I know this is true. But that's usually innocent and spurred by curiosity. When I did it as a child there was such shame and fear. I knew it was dirty and wrong and that I had to hide. I would put things inside my panties to rub against and also to simulate the bulge a man has down there. I was obsessed with make genitals, both children's and men's. I do not know why I was so obsessed.

When I did it I felt really dirty but I HAD to. I would also play with my toys sexually. Even at one pint drawing male genitalia on one of my baby dolls so I could "play with it down there". I got so scared though that someone would find the doll and punish me that I tried to clean off the drawn on genitalia and then buried it beneath other toys and couldn't bear to look at it.

I've always been a very dirty and messed up child/person. I feel sick because all my DD's are about horrid stuff. And I don't know why I would think like this.

There was lots of different types of abuse as a child, teen, young adult I guess. I think the abuse must have contributed but I'm not sure. I just feel sick. I've been diagnosed with ADHD (due to inattention and severe daydreaming) at age 8. But since then I also have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anorexia nervosa, PTSD, personality disorder not otherwise specified, and also have dissociative issues too. Was thinking I might have DID or more like DDNOS/secondary structural dissociation but MDD makes sense too if not even more sense actually. I mean, there are things I have said and done that I have no memories for and also I sometimes do feel like another 'me/aspect' is actually taking partial control of my body via passive influence or partial switching/phasing. But I don't have a dissociative diagnosis so I won't say that I for sure have that. Because I honestly do not relate to a lot of DID stuff but do relate very much so to DDNOS/secondary structural dissociation.

Anyway, I digress.

Does anyone know why someone would DD about such horrid things?

 

[Ronin]

Well that's a lot of anxety & fear producing experiences, both in reality and as scenarios.

Given you do a release aimed activity, even if the habit itself is not healthy for you, leads me to think it IS about venting more primal forms of anxiety as one of the components, may that be a case for you?

 

[Eagle3]

My DD's at a young age were about the same things...being hurt, sick, or abandoned, then rescued and cared for by a guy, but there was rarely a sexual component to that. However, I have had to deal with compulsive masturbation and DD. Its a tough one, dealing with all that shame and fear, always hiding because your play is dirty and unacceptable, and now I've come to terms with what was going on. With that said, the sexual side has tapered off, but my DD are still about being in trouble, being rescued, but occasionally I die in the process....Good luck finding your answers, it can be a long and difficult road, but we're here for you...you aren't alone in this :-)

 

[chant2012]

Thanks both of you. I'm not really sure. I'm not sure what to say, do, or think. I just know sometimes it happens after my mind gives me a "flash"

 

[anonymous]

I do relate to a little of this even though not some of the key things you describe. It's brave of you to post and I hope someone answers you more helpfully. I don;t feel able to discuss the things that are relevant for me but did have a few thoughts about the things you discussed, As possibilities.

Diagnoses of PTSD for children often involves some of the things you describe, Reenacting abuse. Using dolls etc. Compulsive masturbation (even though it can potentially happen without abuse I suspect it is waay more common as an indication of abuse). Sexulisation in general.

The rescue aspect of it can be related to childhood neglect and still living in a space of wanting that rescue that wasn't available as a child. For example I think it's a fantasy that can happen for some with borderline personality tendencies. Not only of course. It sounds like it might be a combination of reenactment and rescue fantasy.

The way I understand it reenactments are our brains way of trying to work through the trauma - and sadly often just reinforcing aspects of it instead. It sounds like part of you is compelled and part of you is traumatised by the compulsion. I know for me that some things are also a type of complex self harm..

 

[anonymous]

Sometimes violence, care, sex and pain all become entwined as a result of past abuse when growing up.

 

[chant2012]

I do relate to a little of this even though not some of the key things you describe. It's brave of yo...

That's it exactly!!!! I am both compelled and find it about impossible. I've attempted to stop this is more ways than I can count all my life. And yet I'm traumatized and revolted all at once. I have too many symptoms of sexual anise. I just can't accept it. Because I have no memories. Only these horrible body/somatic sensations down there and in other parts of my body. The pains are VERY intense and real. I swear I feel it happening. But I have no memories of sexual abuse. And feelings of other stuff that happens. I'm so scared :(

 

[chant2012]

Well that's a lot of anxety & fear producing experiences, both in reality and as scenarios.

Given you do...

Can you explain this a bit more please? Thank you.

 

[chant2012]

My DD's at a young age were about the same things...being hurt, sick, or abandoned, then rescued and cared...

That means a lot to me. I am sorry you can relate. It's so horrible feeling. I feel betrayed by my body and mind. I feel betrayed by myself.

 

[anonymous]

Is any of the PTSD about abuse that happened when you were young regardless of if it was sexual or not? It's probably best not to force memories that you don't have. If it happened then your mind isnt ready and if it didn't then it may be that there are reasons for you to have the reactions you do. I think its pretty normal to have an obsession with sex after age 9 or so when the hormones change. If there was violence in your life then fantasies could still involve sex even if sexual abuse wasn't part of your history. You don't need to discuss it if you arent ready but what trauma was your PTSD diagnoses linked to?

 

[chant2012]

Is any of the PTSD about abuse that happened when you were young regardless of if it was sexual or no...

Well: emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, religious/spiritual abuse, parental alientation/covert incest, maybe some type of torture type of games that were done, and perhaps mild sexual abuse (non penetrative). It wasn't even real molestation. Ugh. Anyway, you are right. I shouldn't push things. I just keep getting intrusive images and stuff in my head and I'm going crazy.

 

[anonymous]

All of this is truly awful, You have been through an awful lot. I think it's possible the things you remember experiencing and hormones etc could combine to produce the stuff you discuss here. Or it could be that there was more you can't remember. The most important thing is to look after yourself now and work on what you do know. Hopefully the rest will reveal itself as you go along. I know its hard when you arent clear. There is stuff dont remember either.