General Managing It His Way.

[Wonderer]

Hi,
I am a survivor of what I call fixed PTSD, that means abuse was my point of origin and starting over makes everything feel like a new beginning.

It can be discouraging, and at times, futile. I do not know to what degree you husband suffers from the disorder, but be wary of presuming 'childishness' on his manner and reasoning. Many partners and therapists confuse 'acting out' as such and they can be in grave error.

Often a survivor's skills in confrontation to abuse/traumatic events are astonishing. He could be blocking highly tuned skills out of fear of repercussions, to himself and his relationship with you. To most partners this behavior seems irrational but to survivors they feel powerless to convince their loved ones without recourse to translating the 'emotional impact' which is how domestic violence begins.

I agree with finding a healthy approach to tracking one course versus the other. I do think for the healthiest result you need to include yourself. Relationships do mean relating, and only his therapist should 'monitor' him.

I don't presume on your relationship but I do know for a fact that all PTSD sufferers have trained themselves to hyper vigilance at how the world perceives them in direct portion to what they would keep 'secret' about their experience with abuse.

Do not underestmate their honed survival instincts, I suspect he knows what he's doing it's just 'safer' to him that you perceive his behaviour a certain way.

All of us take impulsive risks or act out, but few PTSD sufferers can predict how much they are in over their heads as they've been struggling out of he deep-end for a very long time.

Hope this helps.

 

[amethist]

Hi Wonderer

Thanks for the input.

Having known my husband before PTSD invaded our lives, which was caused by a motorcycle accident, not his fault. we have come a heck of a long to get to the point we are at today.

We have been through everything connected with this together, from his physical injuries, his drinking 24/7, the PTSD diagnosis, some of his therapy session, everything.

His therapist , his community support worker and every professional connected to all of this from day one, have back me 100% with everything that I have done to support and help my husband get to the point he is today.

My husband himself has said many times, that he would not be where he is today, without me doing all I have.

He never will be the man he was, but just now, he is doing a damn good job of trying to get back as much as he can.

So all in all we have done a pretty good job between us, even with his admitted childish moments.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Do not underestmate their honed survival instincts, I suspect he knows what he's doing it's just 'safer' to him that you perceive his behaviour a certain way.

Wow, IMHO this is actually a cruel thing to say to a Supporter and a Spouse. I would HATE to know that my husband was "faking it" so I perceived his behavior to be a certain way instead of him being his true self. How will the Sufferer get better if they are 'acting out' to please instead of dealing with their issues?

Having PTSD myself I also find this offensive as I never consciously 'act out' other than putting on my best front at work which any normal, healthy person would do as some actions are deemed inappropriate in the workplace.

I do know for a fact that all PTSD sufferers have trained themselves to hyper vigilance at how the world perceives them in direct portion to what they would keep 'secret' about their experience with abuse.

As for "knowing for a fact" I actually don't have any problems speaking out about my abuse which probably delayed my onset of PTSD from childhood abuse. How do you know what you said to be "a fact" for all?

Personally I would be selective of the terms "all" and "fact" and would limit myself to saying you are generalizing rather than portraying the impression you speak on behalf of all PTSD Sufferers.

Often a survivor's skills in confrontation to abuse/traumatic events are astonishing. He could be blocking highly tuned skills out of fear of repercussions, to himself and his relationship with you. To most partners this behavior seems irrational but to survivors they feel powerless to convince their loved ones without recourse to translating the 'emotional impact' which is how domestic violence begins.

I don't understand what you are saying here Wonderer...... please elaborate as why would this person necessarily have a fear of repercussions of a relationship with someone they have been married to for years? Why would a Sufferer "feel powerless to convince their loved ones without recourse".........and what is it that they need to convince for starters? And how does this lead to domestic violence? How do you know all this please? I'm confused.

 

[Wonderer]

Hi Amethist,

I'm glad that you knew your husband before PTSD and that it is not a lifelong struggle for him. Also, I'm glad my comments were of some help even as a measure of how heathy it is. As I explained in my post I have come from a living hell of complex PTSD first with family and then relationships. I've been trapped in situations with sufferers that still break the mind.

All the best on yours/his journey to recovery.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not quite capable of understanding these posts to the extent I should- please forgive me if I am speaking out of turn.

I think as 'survivors' we may learn great coping skills for (some) crises but those same skills I do not believe work well under normal conditions. I think that's why I always wanted to work in a Emergency Management/ Crisis Zone, - I'd be great until I got off of work. I'd be great in Earthquakes it's just 'normalacy' I can't handle as well.

I also agree as 'sufferers' (myself, anyway) I have no capacity to see when I am over my head until it's too late.

Amethist and Nicolette, your ways of relating have been undoubtedly successful and loving, keep with what works.

I can only guess Amethist that he could be thinking (I realize the original was an old post) that to have to be 'told' what to do is like treating him like a child (and therefore part of why he is a 'burden'- that he is incapable).
But I work with many people with Alzheimer's disease and dementia- that is the same situation. They 'know' they are an adult and expect to be given the independence to 'choose' as such, but frankly sometimes they are not able to choose well or healthily.
It's a fine-line as a sufferer between trying to overcome the ptsd and (vs) not to be in denial, or lash out at others because of rage and frustration and self-hatred of yourself (and hating the ptsd).

I would keep doing what works for each of you, as a team. Something must be very right. And hopefully, your spouses bring something/ support/ love to you, too. Well, I know they do, -I mean, perhaps in some other (less ~conventional ways).

Hugs to all. Carers are Very Incredible People.