Relationship Marriage, I Want To Be His Wife...one Day.

[princessx]

I've always wanted to get married but never really visualized it til I met my marine. In my heart, I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and my gut has always told me that we are meant to be. If you've been briefly following my story, next month will be two years since we've met. Unfortunately, we broke up back in the beginning of May and he came back to me at the beginning of the month. This week has been absolutely fantastic and if there is one thing I've learned from all of this disaster is to appreciate what you have and not dwell on the future or now even the past.

With all that said, he was always the first one to mention marriage. He says I'm his soulmate and that I'm the woman for him. Even though I'm immensely afraid of barely being his girlfriend right now, I would ideally like to know if I'm wasting my time and he'll never be ready for that step or if it'll ever happen. I know he wants me to be patient with him when it comes to everything because he entered the military right after high school and never had time to just find himself but I think I deserve an answer. I know this is just the first month of us being together and I'm focusing on working on us and getting my trust back but being a crazy girl....I think ahead and of my future.

Any advice?! It is greatly appreciated. Thank you! (: <3

 

[Army_Brat_88]

This week has been absolutely fantastic and if there is one thing I've learned from all of this disaster is to appreciate what you have and not dwell on the future or now even the past

To be very honest here princessx - what about if next week is sh*tty? And the week after that it's even worse? And then you get a good day? And maybe half a good week? And then it's gone WAY down the tubes for days on end? Rinse, repeat. Weeks go by, months go by - will you have to eventually go bye?

Try not to put the cart before the horse.

These military men want marriage for pretty much only a few reasons: stability in their instable world. They can get called away at a moment's notice. Having that person at home, waiting for them, is about all that will remain stable. Someone to pay their bills while they are gone, keep things going. Ask some military spouses, I'm not making this up. Sure, love is involved, and should be, but they are very "at the moment" people, because their life might be snuffed out in a nanosecond.

I would agree in some ways that yes, we can't live in the past because then we can't move on, or forgive, or get to a different place, but with THIS - this ptsd and their combat issues, I'm afraid I disagree with you 100%. Their past trauma will *always* have a place at the dinner table...probably until the day they die. Think about Vietnam Vets - go read the combat forum. Some are still in hell and they are in their late 60's.

Yes, you deserve an answer, but I think you need to give that answer yourself first, not through him. He may tell you what you want to hear, but has he broken promises before? These military guys aren't necessarily known for living up to all of them in regards to gf's or spouses. And what if you have to wait years?

Don't you want a relatively mentally healthy and stable man first - and when that is pretty much settled - or as settled as it can be through their therapy or meds, THEN consider marriage? Or do you want him so badly you'll take a ball of mess? Then you maybe are stuck in that marriage, and you think you're on edge and a mass of emotions NOW?? Yikes.

And trust - ubboy - if you don't have that trust on FIRM ground first, I'm sorry, marriage probably shouldn't even be anywhere near a topic of discussion.

I'm not doubting you love him - not at all. I'm not saying don't support him - not even a little bit, but just don't get carried away. This is all just from someone who's an outsider and not all caught up in emotion of the relationship as you are. I'm just saying pull back a bit because you're maybe making decisions based on a man who wasn't coming to grips with his realities, feelings and emotions at that time. You're in love with THAT man still for sure. You need to start fresh and start loving THIS man - who he is now, because that might be all he is from here on out. Ask yourself - do you love who he is NOW?

They say that men and women coming home from war will NEVER be the same. NEVER. I don't think us as carers want to face that. But we must, and especially if we think we want a future with them.

AB

 

[princessx]

I understand everything that you're saying but maybe I worded my entry the wrong way which is my own fault. The only man I know is the one who is changed. I didn't know my marine before he was deployed, I've always known him with PTSD. With that said, I don't love him less because of it. I've always accepted that I'm not in a "normal" relationship and I've always understood the problem.

My father is a veteran and also suffered with PTSD. I've been around it my whole life so when my marine showed up in my life, I almost wasn't phased. I knew I loved him and I knew I wanted to support him in any possible way that I can. Yes, things can change drastically over night and yes, there's always a good week and then a horrible week following that but I'm far beyond that. I've accepted and moved forward. I don't allow for it to interfere with me because I always step back and see the big picture, it's what my amazing mother taught me from dealing with my dad for so long.

My question was moreso in the long run and if I'm wasting my time being with a man that'll never truly commit. I don't mean I want to marry him right now, no way sister! I still don't think I worded that correctly. Damnit, my degree in Communications is getting me nowhere right now!

 

[amethist]

Hi princessx

If I have posted this before, the i do apologies, but if not, then it worth reading, to see how another member put everything into a relationship, then had to make the hard decision of letting go.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-hardest-thing-i-have-had-to-do.9102/[/DLMURL]

Even being married to a sufferer before PTSD came on board, test you to the limits week in week out. There have been times when I wonder why we keep going, and yes we have both had thoughts of chucking in the towel. So far we have kept going and stuck together, but who knows what next week or even tomorrow will bring. 11 years together, almost 5 with PTSD, has been a nightmare, and I can say with all honesty, my husband is not the man he was, he was not in the military, but I have watched him change from day one.

Because we have been together through all of this, we have managed to hang on together and keep going, but not as it was before. I very much doubt this would have happened had we not been together first, no matter how much I cared and loved him, he would not be here, he would have not been able to cope with a relationship.

Please do not think that " Love is all he needs", and that is what will win through in the end", because its not like that at all. It is much much more than that, and you have to realize you will probably miss out on, and never have a smooth and care free relationship.

We can only give you what we know and have lived through, and what you hear from us is probably not want you want to hear, but it is honest and truthful every time.

Amethist

 

[Army_Brat_88]

We can only give you what we know and have lived through, and what you hear from us is probably not want you want to hear, but it is honest and truthful every time.

That's what I love about this site - is that you get it straight and honest. It's usually never in a "just give up and don't bother trying" way, but ppl married to their situations hold no punches in saying what's ahead. It really is up to us then to decide if we will listen, or keep going.

That link is great - I go back to it from time to time even now still that I've moved on from my relationship. It's a good reminder not just for PTSD, but in any love relationship.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I still don't think I worded that correctly. Damnit, my degree in Communications is getting me nowhere right now!

It's all good. Someone will read this thread and will be in the situation where it DOES apply, so I highly doubt it's wasted :)

 

[IvyMillie]

I guess what you are saying is should you think of marrying someone with PTSD. You say that you have alot of experience with this, so that is good. How are you able to handle it? What do you do when he isolates himself or gets angry really quickly?

In a way only you know the amount of dedication to a marriage you are able to give. I think that when you are married you should stick it out--good and bad. So are you that kind of person--that sticks with things even when it is tough?

Is he also able to communicate with you so that you are comfortable? Does he talk about his PTSD?

Another thing is that do you think if you end up with kids that you could handle it? You might have to care for the kids a bit more if he can't handle it sometimes?

My husband has PTSD from Vietnam and had it when we got married. So I never had a choice of to marry or not to. My view is a bit different than the perspective of someone in military who might see the other motivations. So my thoughts are just from another angle altogether. As you said the great thing about this site.

I think being married has it's challenges, but I guess I feel like marriage to anyone is challenging. That's what marriage is you commit to a person before you know all the intricacies of what life will bring. In our situation I had some bad health problems and so my husband has to put up with my problems and I have to put up with his PTSD.

It would have been sad if he had left me because of my health problems. He didn't know that they would come about 10 years after we were married. So even though we have to deal with their PTSD sometimes there are things they have to deal with also.

One last thing I want to mention. I think I was attracted to my husband because I was raised around some "mental issues" in my family. Some of his PTSD behavior is similar. In a way it made me more patient--however it was also a trigger for some of my issues. Is that the case with you? What will you do if it begins to trigger your issues?

In the end I think if you go into marriage with eyes wide open and you are willing to deal with his PTSD then I think you will do fine. You may be able to survive the rough times, because you will tell yourself that you knew this was a possibility and were okay with it.