Marriage

[Eji]

Just to add - as parents, we are good together, we support each others decisions, discipline the children together. As a couple however, emotionally and mentally, we are miles apart from each other and have nothing in common other than the kids. No longer have any shared interests, different outlooks on life and both desire different things from life which are so far apart from each other, I dont know how a middle ground could be found. I have managed to hide within the strength of us being good together as parents as a way to keep myself thinking otherwise, but now, I am tired of it all. Not my kids, I wouldnt change them for the world, they are my absolute everything and I live for them, every breath is for my children.

I worry about the spitefullness as she can be quite vindictive.

 

[Befotu]

Im a terrible person arent I.

No, you are absolutely NOT a terrible person. Let's remember you were kinda tricked by her so she could keep you.

As for her friends, I really couldnt care what they think, I dont owe them anything

Thanks goodness, fear of what other people think is just plain stupid.

My own friends have all told me - not surprised, whats taken you so long?

And those are some excellent friends, hang on to them :tup:

I don't view you as a failure at all, rather, an incredibly strong person to have remained in a loveless marriage for so long all for the sake of his kids :hug:

It's time for you now though..as soon as you feel stronger.

 

[Jajo]

I worry about the spitefullness as she can be quite vindictive

And yeah, I hear ya on that one.

 

[Irola]

Have you thought about couple’s counseling? I myself believe in earning your way out of a marriage. My SO wanted to separate and we went to counseling to work out how to do it the best way, without hurting the kids more then we had to. But what we learned was owning your own shit helped with resentment. It’s easier to say we made choices because of, THIS Or THAT. But the truth is, it was our choice. It goes both ways. I understand your feeling of betrayal and I can understand it completely. She obviously had some issues to begin with. She planned on trapping you from the beginning. Did you forgive her and then married her?
Or did you just marry her?
Please know, I’m not trying to devalue you in anyway. I’m just trying to show you another side of things. We all make mistakes in life. We make choices we regret. I know it was easier to put them on someone else, then to look at ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, it takes two to make it work together or apart.
I’m still married and work hard very day
to keep it that way. I do wish you the best and please know , no judgement here. I have not walked in your shoes. I just wanted to share what I’ve learned.
I do wish you the best and your family.

 

[Owir]

I agree with previous post, you are not a terrible person. You are not a bad person for wanting to try and find a amicable way to exit a situation that is not what you ever wanted. (except wanting to do the right thing when your first child was conceived).

At the moment though, you are dealing with non related issue's. Try and get them into order. To many issue's which are not related to your marriage can muddle things up and deplete your energy to deal with the marriage issue's. You may not be able to clear the decks of every other issue going on. Who can? But, if possible resolve complication's in your life that are weighing you down.

It has taken you a long time to come to the level of dissatisfaction that you feel and think about your marriage. So, be patient and work on a plan which will cause the least amount of harm for everybody concerned. This might mean talking to a counsellor and bypass all the reason's that you want to exit the marriage and work on how to manage your emotional life and your family as they adjust to the new life you wish to pursue.

It sounds as if you could do a 'trial separation' for instance. At the very least this might give everyone a moment to reflect upon how valued you are as father, husband and provider. It will give you and idea of what 'freedom' might feel like, without tearing into all the realities of leaving 'for good' as a full declaration to all. Avoid re-bound relationships for instance, that would mess everything up and just add another layer of consequence's that you will not eventually be happy with. It takes a lot of strength of character to not fall for that pitfall. But I think you have plenty of strength and character and should be able to see that one coming a mile off.

Be wary of sympathetic female friends who say they knew all along it wasn't going to work out. They are not much help now except to listen to your list of problems and agreeing with you. Sometime's a good friend is someone who challenges your thinking and helps you to clarify exactly what you are feeling and what you are thinking. They are definitely not the same.

You should also possibly consider setting up some counselling for your children if and when you decide to start the 'separation' process.

Maybe your wife will be shocked and angry because if she is in denial about the misery the marriage really is, then she will want to blame. I guess this come's with the process she will have to work through herself. You can try and encourage her to go to counselling with her to see that really, it's got a lot less to do with her and more to do with you. She will feel loss, grief and might become very angry with you. These are all normal emotions so don't be too shocked if she does react badly. Try not to react badly back.

But all of this of course depends on what you decide and how you go about putting in place a plan that consider's everyone's needs and still means you have your freedom and a opportunity to meet your own needs.

It might be a long time before you find the confidence to move into another relationship. I personally would be very wary of looking for that until you have worked out what you really want out of life, aside from continuing to be a fantastic father and a decent man.

It might mean taking up training for new and long wanted vocation. You are probably not as old and worn out as you think. Many people well into their 5th decade change employers, vocation's and take up training. ( I don't know how old you are but with a teenage child you are probably not too old to contemplate anything). It might mean joining clubs and doing the things that you really wanted to do a bit sooner. Obviously, some things might not be possible anymore but you might be surprised by what is.

Are any of these change's able to be made within your marriage? You might be pleasantly surprised by how working on yourself (and being just a little bit selfish) can at least help to resolve non marital issues and who know's improve your relationship with your wife, even if you do end up leaving the marriage.

As for guilt, try not to feel guilty. It rusts out your head and does nothing to help.

 

[Hegusa]

I myself believe in earning your way out of a marriage

^ that makes no sense whatsoever..earn your way out of a loveless marriage? What?!

[

 

[Nedejo]

Some of this advice is well meaning but if he's dealing with a dishonest, manipulative narcissist, it's really, really hard and painful every which way. The wife may not be a reasonable person. It's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation, if that's the case.
Arming the children with as much support, personal-empowerment psychological education, access to you, Dad, cut-down honesty (too much information about complex relationship stuff does kid's heads in), and time for them to get their heads around what is happening with lots of emotional support and guidance will surely help.

 

[Ezepo]

The thing is the word "if". I don't think anyone can make such a big assumption about the wife. People can just grow apart. Labelling doesn't help. Whatever justification is sufficient to end the relationship is entirely up to the individuals and they must live with their reasons.

The children will need some type of explanation without getting into emotional things that are not their business to know, nor probably have the maturity to understand. I don't think the children will have their heads 'done in' with too much honesty however the marital 'side' of the relationship should be kept away from their ears.

 

[Ivuje]

Try couples counseling if she's amenable to it. If she's not open to counseling and/or if she's actively being abusive to you (emotional abuse counts as well) it's time to leave.

And you know what? it's ok to leave a marriage if you're just unhappy. I'd always recommend individual counseling (just in case there's a reason and something else in your life that may be adding stress that's hurting your marriage or you're suffering from grass is greener syndrome) and couples counseling while working on your marriage for a period of time, but this is your one life to live. If you are consistently unhappy with your partner even if you've tried, it's ok to go. God and those who witnessed your vows aren't the ones who have to be unhappy day in and day out. I support working on marriage, but not staying if both pple aren't working on it or it's not getting measureably better.

 

[Igivup]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry for not replying earlier, havent been around too much.

Started a bit of a mental list to leave with, things like a copy of the kids birth certificates, house deeds (house is in my name only) and a few other things in case things turn spiteful.

I made a little list of my fears. I would like feedback as to why they are reasonable or not.
1 - Fear of failing as a father - by leaving my kids, although I want to be a part of their lives still as much as possible
2 - Hurting my kids emotionally
3 - Kind of ties in with number 1 - fear of not being in kids lives every day
4 - Financial - selling the house, splitting money, finding new place etc

Most of my main concerns then as for my 3 kids. Even the financial element of it, well, as long as I have a roof over my head, but I am not willing to be taken for a complete ride.

 

[Zajas]

No, you cannot allow yourself to be taken for a complete ride, therefore you may need more than a mental list. Possibly some proper legal advice would be a good place to start. Acquainting yourself with all things practical in relation to the law is very important. You need to know what obligations you will be facing and not just for your children. Your wife will have her rights and I don't think many court's would be too swayed by an argument that you were emotionally manipulated into a marriage.

Your fears are reasonable however you can manage and mitigate those fears by having a fair and practical plan. To plan properly you need financial advice too. Things like medical expenses who is going to pay for them? Education expenses...there is a huge list that you might need to consider.

You obviously will want to have the children reside with you for some of the time and share their parenting with their mother. So you must have a roof over your head and beds and all the things that children require for that to happen. It is a long shopping list.

I think any loving, responsible father and husband would be very worried about the consequences of leaving. It's the big unknown. I think you are going to need a lot of strength to do this. It might set into motion a lot of unforeseen consequences as well. I think it is good you are concerned about your children and their welfare. Parenting doesn't stop because a marriage does. You will still need to communicate with their mother to co-ordinate all the things that go with parenting your children. But that can still be respectful.

Children are generally very resilient if they are given loads of love and time but there will be a reaction by them. Not only will they test your patience and finances as all children do anyway, you are also going to have to adjust to your new life and keep them as stable as possible while they adjust too. How fast they adjust and how well they adjust depends a lot on how well you and their mother work together.

I am not suggesting you are going to do this but please do not try and poison your children with all the personal/marital reasons you felt compelled to leave your wife & their mother. It is an easy thing to do. They will still love their mother regardless of what your reasons are and please respect that.

So, once you know where you are financially and legally then you may be able to put some of those fears aside and then consider what is possible.

 

[Ojo]

Thanks all, I thought it was just me having a wierd outlook on it all

Fobeba - thank you for your reply. We have had mas...

Still doesn't sound unsavable. I like the analogy. ..When a lightbulb goes out you don't sell the whole house, you change the lightbulb.

Talk to her and let her know how you feel. Let her know you are considering divorce. Do whatever you have to do to fight for you marriage because studies show that couples that do are happier five years down the road.