Marriage

[Wesak]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry for not replying earlier, havent been around too much.

Started a bit of a...

Sounds to me like your mind is made up.

 

[Ucah]

You entered into the marriage based on lying and living with lies. Divorce brings the ugly out of people on both sides and the kids are left in the middle floundering.

This is a huge step for you to take and try starting with being honest with your wife and kids. This is a lifetime habit basing your life on lies. You are not going to be able to change this overnight either since you are not able to function very well at the moment and are surviving off of your wife.

You do need to get really honest and start with yourself and start counting off all of the ways you have been living a lie all of these many years.

You said you were bored in the relationship before you got married. So you went into this very foolishly. So did your wife.

Just get a lawyer and start the proceedings and begin to start you life trying to be hones with yourself and with your family too.

Work on you very hard because your life is about to change quite radically and so will your families lives. Just start being honest with yourself and try to forgive yourself for living this lie all of your childrens lives. They do see everything that has gone on so I doubt seriously that they could not benefit from some kind of really good therapy to gain some really good support this time round.

Be honest with them. They already know that something is wrong but have nor real answers nor any sense of feeling secure unless the lies have been really good ones and realize that once they grow up they will have their own issues with the divorce and aftermath. Give them the best support you are able to from now on. But please get honest with your self and take a long hard look at yourself. You are not without responsibility or guilt here because your life based on lies has already affected your children and I do not think you want to lose your relationship with them once they become adults and begin to realize things and also prepare yourself in therapy for the ugly from all directions

 

[Ucah]

Sorry to be so blunt yet I think you deserve to hear that you are not a victim here as a gentle reminder. Maybe your wife told you not to use a rain coat but you were young and reckless and no one twisted your arm or forced you to cooperate and I am sure you have already recognized this.

I hope it all turns out well for you guys

 

[Wesak]

I will never understand people idea of "well I'm not happy so I'll just end it" especially when there are children involved. Unless there is out and out abuse, there is no excuse to "just end it". It's not just about you. There are four other lives involved that frankly YOU chose to bring in. You owe it to them to fight with all you've got to make it work until you can't. Then and only then do you end it. When you've ran out of options

 

[Ecud]

^ that makes no sense whatsoever..earn your way out of a loveless marriage? What?!

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Earning your way out of a marriage is going to couples counseling. Each person in the marriage looking at their own mistakes. Understanding each other’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with it, but respect it. Putting it all on the table. Why? Because children need to see that marriage takes hard work. Sometimes hard work can put pieces back together and sometimes they don’t. If they don’t, at least there’s closure and hopefully respect for each other. You are always going to be in each other’s life’s. It doesn’t stop at just the kids. It will carry on in grandchildren.
Would it be nice to say. “ it didn’t work out, but we tried our hardest and from that we can still respect each other and co- parent. Because the truth is, your not just married your a family.

 

[Utudij]

I have managed to hide within the strength of us being good together as parents as a way to keep myself thinking otherwise, but now, I am tired of it all.

Does this mean she is unaware of your unhappiness in the marriage?

 

[Awas]

Do you know I was really unhappy before the marriage and the responsibilities? Do you know that things don't make you happy and a marriage is another thing? Did you know if you stop being unhappy the people around you might not be so unhappy either? Maybe getting out of the marriage is as bad a decision as getting in was since you are probably going about it the same way? I stumbled stupidly into my marriage and had no business getting married and having a family. Yes and, you are a family. You are tied to those other people. If you feel you are not the children will always feel bound to both of you and you'll always be their parents. One of my older children said the other day they were so glad they had a mom and a dad because so many of the people they know don't. So was it worth it? It depends on how I look at it. I have not stumbled stupidly out of it yet.

 

[Alul]

Boy! This hits home in many ways. First, I am a "kid" from divorced parents. The divorce and all the aftermath of changing family structures and new rules that developed in the parent's lives, were tough to navigate. It forced us kids to both overtly and subtly choose sides in the parental relationships. Then both got remarried (my mom three more marriages). That changed the dynamics again, forcing adjustments. Their divorce was no surprise. They were abusive parents. Even so, our family life was the only life I knew. With their separation, it rocked our world, and us kids were not sure where we fit, anymore. I still carry that uncertainty, today.

On the other hand, I understand your quandary. My marriage is more like two college roommates living together. We morphed into this stage because of my intense feelings of panic and fear if hubby touches me. I have wanted to divorce many times because of no longer 'loving" him. But, we made a vow to each other for better or for worse. This is worse. Now that I finally sought help and found out that I have late onset C-PTSD, there is hope that our marriage can be healed. If not, it will remain a friendship relationship, as is. We have found out that love is not always sex, it is commitment. Under all the angst and feelings of separation, there is still a desire to honor our initial word/commitment to each other. It is terribly hard, but I have to believe that there is hope in this. As it stands, we have been forced to live differently than before. He does his thing and I do mine. We still share common friends and some activities but we allow each other to do stuff on our own. I have to believe that there is still hope in restoring the relationship to something that is more pleasing to each of us. And with the knowledge that the PTSD has affected the relationship, I also hope that it can be managed in such a way that it will no longer have such a hard hold on my life, so that I can reenter into the relationship with new trust and no fear.

In the end, obviously, to divorce is your choice. There is no easy decision, here. It will affect your kids. How much? Hard to tell. But, I would suggest that you and your wife get honest with each other and have a very long discussion of your future and your mutual feelings for each other. Perhaps airing all your concerns, will actually be healing, and you might find there is more love in your marriage than you have been able to see or feel. Perhaps marriage counseling would be a good step. If it all culminates in a decision to leave, you will know that you did everything to make the marriage work and leaving was the only ongoing option. I wish you the best. Life is hard. But there are blessings to be seen had, if we look for them.