I am new to this site and could really use some advice from anyone who has dealt with a similar situation. I met my husband 3 years ago after he was already discharged. He was wounded twice and has ptsd. He is considered permanent and total, meaning he can get a job or work for himself and they will never take away his benefits. He doesn't work but was going to school when we met. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and I have one child from my previous marriage. Our children were older when we met, mine 6, and his two years older. We've been married for a year and a half, and I recently left. And not just, packed some bags and stay at my friends for a while left, I mean, took all my things and moved in with a relative. I love him and my step kids so much this is killing me, but I also feel that this relationship is very bad for all of us. He has been going through a custody battle with his ex that seems to never end. Years its been going on. This may surprise some, but he actually has his kids half the time, total split custody. He's a good dad, but a little impatient and yells alot. The problem is he's become what I would consider to be abusive towards me. We cannot have a disagreement without him screaming at me and going into a rage. Most of the time, its something he brings up, as I walk on eggshells not to upset him now. He drinks almost every night, and quite a bit. He will just keep yelling at me and trying to convince me he is right, and if I say nothing, because everything I say just makes him more angry, he will keep me up like that for hours. I don't yell or curse at him, and am actually afraid to. He has refused to let me go to sleep even though I have work the next day because he wants to keep "talking" about it. The only thing that will make him stop is if I say I'm wrong and I'm sorry. Even if I don't feel that way I've started saying it almost everytime just so he will stop. He has gotten physical, too. He's pushed me, ripped my shirt, grabbed me, slammed me against the wall, slapped me, and is so big and strong he can grab me by my throat in the blink of an eye. We've talked about this so many times, but he's not doing anything to change it or get better. He only takes one medication for his PTSD and it helps with somethings, but not his depression or rage. He refuses to get on anything else and says he drinks to self medicate. The only thing he agreed to was to see a marriage therapist, but we only had the chance to go once before I left. I left because he just keeps doing these things. He won't stop. He threatens divorce all the time and screams it to where the kids can hear also. He can't just agree to disagree. The thing that breaks my heart the most is that although these things are, in my opinion, deal breakers for a marriage, he has the most wonderful heart. When he's in control, he's a dream. I couldn't have asked God to send me someone who loves me or my daughter, or his own kids harder. He is so giving and loving and will help anyone at the drop of a hat. I mean, call him, and he's there, no questions asked. He's loved me harder and done more for me than any other man in my life, besides my dad. But, this rage in him is tearing me apart and its horrible for the children to be around. They've never witnessed it, but hear it in their rooms and have all three told me. He wants me to come home, and I'm so tempted but all my friends and family so no, not until he makes changes to become more stable. I never know what I will get with him, or what I will say that's wrong to set him off. And he also compares me to his ex-wife, which is extremely insulting, cause she was very unfaithful, and I'm not like that. He calls me names when he gets angry. It hurts me so much. I also have a demanding job and it affects my job. I'm afraid I will make a mistake and lose my career. Does anyone have advise or words of wisdom for me and my family?
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Married To A Combat Ptsd Vet
- Post starter slynnbd
- Start date
- Status
LovesFlowers
New Here
Hi slynnbd,
I have not been in your position as a wife so I can't offer your consolation in that way. I can say something about when you say that "everything [you] say makes him angry" though. Please take a step back from those feelings. Nothing you are doing is making him angry. He is angry and he's using blaming you as a tool to vent his angry emotions and distance himself from personal responsibility for how he feels. If you weren't there he'd be venting at someone else, something else... venting and venting and venting the angry pressure inside. So, even though it feels like you're doing something wrong, push away those feelings of responsibility for his feelings. Just as you are responsible for how you feel, he is responsible for how he feels. Though he may seem out of control, he's still making choices and one of those choices is to attack you and essentially dump his pain all over you so that he doesn't have to feel it. You've shown good self-esteem and decision-making in choosing not to take his anger anymore. Love him because love's a good thing. But don't take responsibility that isn't yours because if you do he'll never see himself as the problem and until he does, he will never do anything about it. Hugs and good luck.
I have not been in your position as a wife so I can't offer your consolation in that way. I can say something about when you say that "everything [you] say makes him angry" though. Please take a step back from those feelings. Nothing you are doing is making him angry. He is angry and he's using blaming you as a tool to vent his angry emotions and distance himself from personal responsibility for how he feels. If you weren't there he'd be venting at someone else, something else... venting and venting and venting the angry pressure inside. So, even though it feels like you're doing something wrong, push away those feelings of responsibility for his feelings. Just as you are responsible for how you feel, he is responsible for how he feels. Though he may seem out of control, he's still making choices and one of those choices is to attack you and essentially dump his pain all over you so that he doesn't have to feel it. You've shown good self-esteem and decision-making in choosing not to take his anger anymore. Love him because love's a good thing. But don't take responsibility that isn't yours because if you do he'll never see himself as the problem and until he does, he will never do anything about it. Hugs and good luck.
D
Deleted member 1860
Stay away from him. Leaving him was the best thing that you could have done.
The thing about abusive people is that they are almost NEVER abusive 100% of the time. I can't tell you how many times people come here and say he is abusive, BUT.....and then continue on by saying the great things about their sufferer. The good stuff doesn't cancel out the bad. The bad stuff is enough to make you walk away. Why would you consider staying just because he has PTSD? PTSD isn't a ticket to be abusive toward others.
Your kids WILL be affected by all of this. If you can't see a reason to stay away for yourself, then do it for them. Even if they have never seen the abuse, that doesn't mean that they aren't affected. It doesn't mean that they don't live in fear while around him.
Don't go back until he has stopped drinking and is in therapy. IF you do decide to work things out with him, don't move back in for a long time. Make him prove to you that he is a changed person. Start your relationship over with dating, but again, don't move back in because you two need to work out the kinks first. If you move back in without fixing what was wrong, then you're just jumping back into the same negative situation. He needs to change, AND he needs to prove over time that he is a changed person. Simply agreeing to go to therapy is not enough of a reason to move back in. He needs to prove that he is changed first.
The thing about abusive people is that they are almost NEVER abusive 100% of the time. I can't tell you how many times people come here and say he is abusive, BUT.....and then continue on by saying the great things about their sufferer. The good stuff doesn't cancel out the bad. The bad stuff is enough to make you walk away. Why would you consider staying just because he has PTSD? PTSD isn't a ticket to be abusive toward others.
Your kids WILL be affected by all of this. If you can't see a reason to stay away for yourself, then do it for them. Even if they have never seen the abuse, that doesn't mean that they aren't affected. It doesn't mean that they don't live in fear while around him.
Don't go back until he has stopped drinking and is in therapy. IF you do decide to work things out with him, don't move back in for a long time. Make him prove to you that he is a changed person. Start your relationship over with dating, but again, don't move back in because you two need to work out the kinks first. If you move back in without fixing what was wrong, then you're just jumping back into the same negative situation. He needs to change, AND he needs to prove over time that he is a changed person. Simply agreeing to go to therapy is not enough of a reason to move back in. He needs to prove that he is changed first.
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
Do not go back. Get your child and keep him away from her. Far away. This is textbook domestic violence. I speak from experience. Mr. Charmer is really evil personified. I have PTSD and I don't rage and hold people hostage. He's a drunk and a bully. I had so much trouble leaving my abuser, it drove me to becoming suicidal. Two visits to the ER and an intensive out patient program, all to get it through to me how dangerous he is. It finally took the police to get him out of my house.
You and your daughter deserve kindness and a calm home. I don't think he should be allowed custody of his children either.
Don't go back. Ever.
You and your daughter deserve kindness and a calm home. I don't think he should be allowed custody of his children either.
Don't go back. Ever.
My ex partner was an alcoholic. My current partner has PTSD but does not drink. I would pick PTSD over alcoholism every time. You have done the right thing by removing your daughter and yourself from the situation. Things will not improve unless he stops drinking - as in goes to AA etc - not just stops for a week. That is "only" the first step. He would then need to deal with his PTSD etc.
Don't be tempted to go back to "help" him. They are his problems and he needs to deal with them. That will take him considerable time. If he gets himself together then you can consider how you feel about him then. In the meantime, enjoy your daughter, smell the roses and look after yourself.:hug:
Don't be tempted to go back to "help" him. They are his problems and he needs to deal with them. That will take him considerable time. If he gets himself together then you can consider how you feel about him then. In the meantime, enjoy your daughter, smell the roses and look after yourself.:hug:
Friday
Sponsor
So you can take your kids and run...
But her kids are still trapped with him...
And you're baffled as to why she's "still" fighting for custody???
No shit she's still fighting for custody! Call the woman. Or send your kids back to the drunk arse to "never" witness abuse & PTSD off its effin leash.
I'm the combat vet in this equation.
Being a combat vet with PTSD doesn't make you abusive.
Just like it doesn't make you drown yourself in a bottle, get high, pick fights in bars, sleep around, etc. These are choices we make. Self destruction is a choice. Maybe because we don't know any better ones, but it's still a choice. Just because you listen to your instincts, doesn't make you a slave to them. There are some things you can't help. Getting triggered, wanting to lash out? That's not one you can control. How you treat the people around you? That's one you can. Because I can want to kill someone, and not (some I'd settle for hitting with a brick, and yet still, I don't). I can want to scream at them. And not. I can want to be rude to them. And not. Reasons are not excuses.
Now... Yes. There are some things, like dropping to the deck (or sweeping everyone to the deck), or waking up in a flashback, that do fall in the "can't control that" list. Even if you can walk around a gun range, 4th of July/bonfire night/New Years and be fine... Occasionally the dropped book or rolling soda can will reach out and smack a reaction. But
A) How you treat the people around you both during/ immediately after? That's the choice. That's what you can learn to change.
B) If your unchoosing reactions are dangerous to the people around you? You get yourself away from them until you can blunt them! Choosing to be around people when you're hair triggered and dangerous to the people around you is the choice.
But her kids are still trapped with him...
And you're baffled as to why she's "still" fighting for custody???
No shit she's still fighting for custody! Call the woman. Or send your kids back to the drunk arse to "never" witness abuse & PTSD off its effin leash.
I'm the combat vet in this equation.
Being a combat vet with PTSD doesn't make you abusive.
Just like it doesn't make you drown yourself in a bottle, get high, pick fights in bars, sleep around, etc. These are choices we make. Self destruction is a choice. Maybe because we don't know any better ones, but it's still a choice. Just because you listen to your instincts, doesn't make you a slave to them. There are some things you can't help. Getting triggered, wanting to lash out? That's not one you can control. How you treat the people around you? That's one you can. Because I can want to kill someone, and not (some I'd settle for hitting with a brick, and yet still, I don't). I can want to scream at them. And not. I can want to be rude to them. And not. Reasons are not excuses.
Now... Yes. There are some things, like dropping to the deck (or sweeping everyone to the deck), or waking up in a flashback, that do fall in the "can't control that" list. Even if you can walk around a gun range, 4th of July/bonfire night/New Years and be fine... Occasionally the dropped book or rolling soda can will reach out and smack a reaction. But
A) How you treat the people around you both during/ immediately after? That's the choice. That's what you can learn to change.
B) If your unchoosing reactions are dangerous to the people around you? You get yourself away from them until you can blunt them! Choosing to be around people when you're hair triggered and dangerous to the people around you is the choice.
- Moderator
- #7
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
My vet is total and permanent. He had PTSD, TBI, and is physically disabled... we have been together for almost 2 years and he has never called me a name one single time. He respects my boundaries. He goes through bad patches, and he may get a little snarky and butt heads with me at times, but he never screams at me. He has never laid a finger on me in anger. He is capable of treating me with respect. I would never be afraid to be around him.
PTSD does not make somebody act like a wild animal. They have control over their actions. He made a choice to put his hands on you.
- Post starter
- #8
Thank you all for your kind replies and advice. I do realize that he is making choices to do these things, and is using the PTSD as an excuse. I do believe he is struggling with anger, paranoia, and rage, all related to his PTSD, but he is choosing to scream, insult, and make me fearful. I truly deep down believe it is about control, controlling me when he doesn't like what I'm doing. He's not the controlling man in a classical sense, he lets me go be with my friends, spend money, ect..., but if I don't agree with him or concede, he will not let it go. He will promise to, then keep bringing it up and continue to yell at me about it. I don't have PTSD, so the only knowledge I do have is from what I've read about it. In my opinion, he's not doing anything to help himself get better or control his PTSD. Its like he's letting it take over, and just keeps telling me to be patient and it will get better. I agree with all of you, PTSD or not, nobody deserves to be treated like that. It has been absolutely devastating to me and my daughter to leave my stepkids behind. They became extremely close and the girls even shared a room. I will not be moving back in. I'm not filing for divorce yet, either. I'm going to wait and hope that the realization of what he's done to his family will motivate him to accept responsibility and get help. But, the honest truth is that I'm not banking on it. I think he's a blamer. Someone who blames everyone else. I am hoping we can remain friendly and civil so that our children can still see each other and play together at times. If I do see an effort in him to get help, then maybe we can "date" as Solara said. I would've responded individually to some of your posts, but I haven't figured out how to do that. I'm not very technically savvy. Can someone tell me how?
- Post starter
- #9
@KwanYingirl
I'm so sorry about what you went through. Thank you for sharing with me.
@LovesFlowers
I agree completely in everything you said. This makes me worry about my stepkids. I do wonder, though, if the pressure of being in a serious relationship and moving a woman and her child into his home made his symptoms worse. He was so much calmer when we met. He was also very physically healthy, going to school, always working on the house, gardening, doing positive things. All that has changed in the past 2 years since I've moved in. He was even coaching his son's baseball team. I want my stepkids to have their healthy dad back. Do you have any thoughts on that?
@FridayJones
Do you think that getting married and the added responsibility of a woman and another child possibly pushed him over the edge? He was in a much healthier state of mind when we were dating.
I'm so sorry about what you went through. Thank you for sharing with me.
@LovesFlowers
I agree completely in everything you said. This makes me worry about my stepkids. I do wonder, though, if the pressure of being in a serious relationship and moving a woman and her child into his home made his symptoms worse. He was so much calmer when we met. He was also very physically healthy, going to school, always working on the house, gardening, doing positive things. All that has changed in the past 2 years since I've moved in. He was even coaching his son's baseball team. I want my stepkids to have their healthy dad back. Do you have any thoughts on that?
@FridayJones
Do you think that getting married and the added responsibility of a woman and another child possibly pushed him over the edge? He was in a much healthier state of mind when we were dating.
Last edited by a moderator:
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
The dating is the grooming period. They suck you in with their awesomeness, then once they've hooked you they turn into the real them. Why do you think his ex is fighting so hard to get her kids away from him? I bet she's a very nice person and he's just made her out to be a bitch because as you said, he's a blamer. He'll never take any responsibility because he's a sociopath. Find yourself a gentle man, they are out there and you deserve it!!!!
nursenurse
Diamond Member
Do not over analyze that which is simply an untenable situation. PTSD can bring out flaws that were deeply buried, but always there. Count your blessings. I hope his ex gets the kids. What he needs is a wake up call to start to heal himself. But the control/abusive side? Leopards don't change their spots. The sufferers on this board are insightful people, and while they admit their faults, who of us is without? There is a difference, there is kindness, and the want and the willingness to change. I have not seen a bully like you have described here.
No excuses for the man. In a non PTSD relationship, you would never tolerate his behaviour. No reason to do so now. Get out there and make an extraordinary life for yourself. Happiness will come again if you let it. Amen.
No excuses for the man. In a non PTSD relationship, you would never tolerate his behaviour. No reason to do so now. Get out there and make an extraordinary life for yourself. Happiness will come again if you let it. Amen.
Friday
Sponsor
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sadly, no. I don't believe it's the added stress of remarriage that that's the cause of this. Actually, the inverse: He's gotten comfortable, so now you're seeing the "real" him. Which is to abuse, threaten, intimidate, bully and treat those closest to him like garbage... but drop everything anytime anyone else needs something to keep up his view of himself as the "good" guy.
More bad news... Expect to get your name dragged through the mud the moment he realizes he can't sweet talk you back.
With abusers it tends to take 1:2 routes.
She's a whore. Or she's crazy. Or both.
It broke my heart how many friends I lost in the divorce... But remember, it's easier for people to believe a lie they can do something about (offer sympathy), than to believe someone they like would do something they are so against. (Abuse). No one wants to believe they could misjudge someone so badly. And, if you haven't been in an abusive relationship before? Abusers are usually wonderful most of the time. That's why people stay. And they're the ones in it. (Think of all of your list that sounds so bad "on paper", and then all of the justifications as you try to explain why "it's not so bad", and leave stuff out because it "sounds" bad... but but but). All your mutual friends only see the good, so they reeeeeeally aren't going to want to believe the bad. Which means that you're either crazy, or hurt him (cheated) and are now trying to blame him (hence the crazy+whore).
Sigh. Try really, really hard not to take it personally (fat chance, but do try). Because expect that anything you've ever heard about his ex-wife is how he's also going to start saying about you. Anything that paints him as the victim and garners sympathy & support and you as the villain. Especially as it's a dirty nasty trick to get you to "prove" otherwise (by going back), or start believing you're the crazy one/it's your fault.
(You're already starting to go there with the 'marriage & new family' to blame line of thinking. And it's a short step from there to 'If I'd really supported him, If I had done this, hadn't done that, baby. I'm sorry. It's all my fault.' Blame shifting is a bitch. Don't get suckered into believing that his behavior is your fault. Just don't.)
From going person by person and dragging your name through the mud to tearful Facebook "confessions" that span from the vague to the semi-accepting-but-really-not-accepting-blame (lost the one person in my life who truly matters, pushed the one person away, It's all my fault, I've ruined my life, blah blah blah) that never actually admits the details or actual offenses...are aimed at manipulating you AND garnering sympathy.
Again... I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.
Sadly, no. I don't believe it's the added stress of remarriage that that's the cause of this. Actually, the inverse: He's gotten comfortable, so now you're seeing the "real" him. Which is to abuse, threaten, intimidate, bully and treat those closest to him like garbage... but drop everything anytime anyone else needs something to keep up his view of himself as the "good" guy.
More bad news... Expect to get your name dragged through the mud the moment he realizes he can't sweet talk you back.
With abusers it tends to take 1:2 routes.
She's a whore. Or she's crazy. Or both.
It broke my heart how many friends I lost in the divorce... But remember, it's easier for people to believe a lie they can do something about (offer sympathy), than to believe someone they like would do something they are so against. (Abuse). No one wants to believe they could misjudge someone so badly. And, if you haven't been in an abusive relationship before? Abusers are usually wonderful most of the time. That's why people stay. And they're the ones in it. (Think of all of your list that sounds so bad "on paper", and then all of the justifications as you try to explain why "it's not so bad", and leave stuff out because it "sounds" bad... but but but). All your mutual friends only see the good, so they reeeeeeally aren't going to want to believe the bad. Which means that you're either crazy, or hurt him (cheated) and are now trying to blame him (hence the crazy+whore).
Sigh. Try really, really hard not to take it personally (fat chance, but do try). Because expect that anything you've ever heard about his ex-wife is how he's also going to start saying about you. Anything that paints him as the victim and garners sympathy & support and you as the villain. Especially as it's a dirty nasty trick to get you to "prove" otherwise (by going back), or start believing you're the crazy one/it's your fault.
(You're already starting to go there with the 'marriage & new family' to blame line of thinking. And it's a short step from there to 'If I'd really supported him, If I had done this, hadn't done that, baby. I'm sorry. It's all my fault.' Blame shifting is a bitch. Don't get suckered into believing that his behavior is your fault. Just don't.)
From going person by person and dragging your name through the mud to tearful Facebook "confessions" that span from the vague to the semi-accepting-but-really-not-accepting-blame (lost the one person in my life who truly matters, pushed the one person away, It's all my fault, I've ruined my life, blah blah blah) that never actually admits the details or actual offenses...are aimed at manipulating you AND garnering sympathy.
Again... I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.
- Status
Similar posts
Relationship
Advice Needed: Partner w/combat PTSD.
- GarciaL
- Supporter Discussion
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
