Married To A Combat Ptsd Vet

[slynnbd]

Thank you for your insight and supportive words. I will not accept any blame for his behavior, I guess I'm only trying to understand. I would like to believe that people can change if they want to. I myself have changed very much over the years. I use to be very irresponsible, late all the time, messy, and unorganized. Since I had my daughter, I've completely changed those things about myself. Some things because I realized I needed to, other things just changed naturally. He has admitted fault. He told me he doesn't blame me for leaving, and admitted that his behavior over the past two years has been the worst he's ever behaved in his life. The anger issues, I do believe some stem from the war, but others stem deep from within him and his past. As far as the ex is concerned, much of what he says is true because I already spoke to her and she admitted it to me herself. She said she did cheat on him, lie to him, spend his money, and did drugs while he was fighting in Iraq. She told me she "did him wrong" and those are her words. But, she did tell me that he drank too much at times and had anger issues, but not to the degree now. They divorced shortly after he came home because he discovered the drugs and infidelity. I'm sure there are many things about her that are good, and I'm sure he wasn't a perfect husband to her. But, according to her, she was the one to blame for the end of the marriage, and actually asked him not to divorce her. He said he had to because he couldn't trust her. I'm not making excuses for him. I am just telling what has happened to him, and I do believe he has much pain in his heart. He wants to work toward a reconciliation, but says he agrees with the separation. He wants us to work towards fixing our relationship and making it better so that this never happens again. I told him I have hope, but cannot make guarantees. I also told him, I'm not moving back in. That would be something that would be months down the road, and only if I see acceptance of his issues and effort/willingness/action to change. His kids miss me terribly. They've been through so much. Their mother is on her 4th marriage. She loves her kids, but isn't a "natural mother type" from her own admission. The kids spend more time with her mom than they do with her. They have been through 2 stepfathers. I, on the other hand, am a natural care-taker and love them, spend time with them, ride bikes, take them to the park- things they never had before. I miss them so much, and I know they are in pain. I just want to do whats best for everyone.

 

[Sighs]

I spent years trying to do what was best for everyone. Its only very recently that I have learnt that I need to do what's best for me.

 

[nursenurse]

And that is the truth, @Sighs, and exactly what I was thinking. It is never selfish to pull yourself out of emotional debt.

 

[LovesFlowers]

Think about this... Does he really love you if he expects you to work harder on his problems than he is working? Because that's not love, honey, that's servitude.

 

[slynnbd]

That is a very good point Love Flowers. I am giving it a chance, but not moving back in. It will be months before I consider it, and it depends on if he has really made changes. He has accepted responsibility, which I think is a good step, but its the actions he takes at this point that will speak the truth. I realize now that he was somehow expecting me to fix him, while he did nothing. I wonder how people get themselves to that point that they actually expect others to take responsibility for their behavior, weird to me. I really do hope he makes changes to become healthier. He has to continue therapy with me, stop drinking, and deal with his anger issues. Also, I believe he needs to be on anti-anxiety medicine. Something he can take when he feels triggered before he says or does something he may regret. From what I've read, many people with PTSD or either on anti-depressants or ant-anxiety medication. I take something for anxiety when I start to get upset, just recently though, do to the stress of this relationship, and the fact that I have to stay level-headed for my job. He really wasn't doing anything to help himself. He wasn't working, wasn't going to the gym or exercising, and spent most of his time on the couch during the day, unless his parents needed help. He takes very good care of his parents. Then in the evenings around 6 or 7, starts with the beer, and drinks until he goes to bed. It just wasn't a healthy way for anyone to live. When we met, he was very active, woke up at the same time every morning, worked on the house, was going to college, made dinner every night, coached his son's baseball team. I left not only for me and my daughter, but for him and his kids. I really want him to get to a healthy place again.