Marrige and everything with it

[Punky143]

My husband knows little of what's going on with us. That's on purpose because he wouldn't be able to handle it. That we "go away" especially when it comes to affection. "We" generally don't like to be touched at all, especially when we're not expecting it. If and when the "act" takes place "we" can't help the child part coming forward and feel so violated, confused and heartbroken that we are what we are. It's extremely difficult to talk about this with anyone including my T. But she has some idea based on months ago when red flags arose after reading my journal and the inability to talk about it because it was "yucky." The entire thing is very triggering and I sympathize with my spouse because repeatedly he's expressed "doing it" is the only way he feels connected with me. The guilt and shame surrounding this is heavy on my shoulders and leaves us with feeling so much disappointment.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have nothing but compassion for you, for all of you. Know that you are not alone. You have just described my own experience. And yes, I understand how impossible it is to talk about it with anyone, especially one's spouse.

 

[Punky143]

I have nothing but compassion for you, for all of you. Know that you are not alone. You have just desc...

Thank you, feel very alone.

 

[BlueOrange]

That sounds like a really tough and painful situation. I really don't like that you keep getting hurt with the way things are. The hope that I can see is that you seem to be finding ways to express yourself, and to be less alone.

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry. This is a very isolating and lonely place to be among the inner divisions looking out and seeing nothing but panic and confusion. It's mayhem inside in that shock of touch as a breech of the silence one needs at that moment to feel contained.

I have had this experience often during times when flashbacks and switching among traumatized alternate parts of me was frequent and walls were thin. For me, this was worse on certain meds, specifically Lorazapam.

Getting off L. and using Xanax ER "fixed" my vulnerability to falling into that headspace where unexpected touch or someone suddenly behind me was a huge trigger.

Then, tapering off meds altogether, and these feelings have fortunately not been as problematic with normal daily routines.

Sex, on the other hand, requires me to be the one to initiate and only happens when it is something I can figure out that I feel safe and want to do for fun or to connect. It became much more difficult to reach that after the initial amnesic walls fell. That was 6 years ago, and it's still a different thing, like I'm a different person now having integrated so much of myself over six years of processing.

I don't believe I "know" everything or everyone inside, nor do I remember and have access to all memories or experiences. I decided I knew enough to use to do the integration and growth I needed for a while. I don't want more for the time being. This is a new kind of wall. It allows a skin between some of the trauma, but I daily reckon with the trauma and validate the traumatized parts' experiences, yet I allow them to know they are of the past not the present, yet they have full value in helping understand our world and experience and wisdom. This is hard to explain, but I see it as a bandaid applied regularly over the woundedness inside to keep the pain regulated to the point that life can resume, including touch, when I feel safe.

Establishing even more safety is needed first, then you can find your own methods of how to feel and how to act that is pleasing to you in the present. If that doesn't include this other person in a physical way, then that needs to acceptable to them, or they will no longer be "safe."

I hope this gives you some ideas. I feel for you and know what this can do to me. Anger is the customary result of the shock/breech. I got very angry at him. Even though he meant well.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you, feel very alone.

Just two thoughts for whatever it may be worth. I can't talk directly with anyone about the really nitty-gritty intensity of the young parts in relation to sex. But when talking about flashbacks/switching with my therapist, we've done some work on creating "safe containers" for parts in an effort to keep them from taking over at inopportune times. I've been working on this for a long while, and sometimes it does help and I am able to initiate some sort of intimacy with my husband without the inner chaos happening. This often involves a kind of vague negotiation that the young parts stay in the place I've imagined up for them, and I promise that I will pay attention to them later and do what I can to give them what they need.

The second thought is really more of a question. Does your spouse know about your challenges with these things in general (e.g., your abuse background and your parts that make up the "we"?), even if he doesn't know the specifics about intimacy? There are some good books out there that may help him to understand without your having to talk with him directly. I finally talked my spouse into going to his own therapist...asking that he do it for me. It took him a few tries to find a good one, and it has been really helpful to him in many ways. His T offers insights and information about my issues that help him, and he has been able to talk a lot about his own issues too.

I completely understand about the guilt and shame you refer to, and while we may KNOW in our heads that there is nothing at all to feel guilty or ashamed about, the feelings still come. And if your partner is a compassionate soul, the last thing he'd want is for you to be feeling this way about the intimacy that he wants.

You really aren't alone, although I know it feels that way. There are a lot of us out there dealing with these challenges. It takes extraordinary courage to learn what your physical boundaries are, and then to set them, especially with the person you love and are married to, and especially when he believes that the only way for him to feel really close to you is through physical intimacy.

The "answers" are communication and mutual respect in balancing one another's needs. And a lot of time and patience on both sides. So much easier said than done. My husband and I communicate really well on a lot of levels, but not on sex. We're actually looking for a couples therapist who has experience with working with clients like me (I have DID) who can help us. Marriage is a challenging journey no matter how you look at it, but with these kinds of issues lots of help is needed IMHO.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My husband is considered a "multiple" and often thinks of himself in the plural. Before we graduated from "best friends" to "more than friends" he set about "letting me in" to his very PRIVATE (up to that point) multiplicity.

He'd gone to many counselors/therapists over the years, but NONE discovered his other parts in any clinical sense. Much of that counsel helped him figure himself out, but some of it also only confused things further. :( So his normal "go to" was to run away from a city/job/friends if ever he got the sense that people were "on" to him as being "crazy" (he's not crazy! But if he "switched" in front of people, he'd react to the negative feedback, and he didn't know how NOT to switch in those cases) .. He would literally throw a dart at a map and up and move across country and start over.

He rebooted his life like this about every 18 months, until he ended up in a geographical and financial situation he could not escape, and it was in THIS being forced to "stay still" for a while that he and I met, became friends, and eventually fell in love.

The one thing he KNEW, if we were going to be anything more than friends, was that I had to know ALL of him, even though he didn't fully understand what that meant. Together we began to give a safe place for his various parts to come forward, to make themselves known - which meant introducing them to ME, but also to himself. He only knew enough of himself to think he had both a "boy" and a "girl" half. (And he had never let me see the "girl half" in our friendship, because he was ashamed!)

In fact, we have - over the years - discovered (so far) 5 primary parts .. He calls them Grumpy (protector), Middle (primary), Femmy ("girl" and sliding age part who is also the mostly sexual alter), Little (his child part that he didn't even know was there because Little was always so fearful, especially of abandonment), and most recently we have discovered High Brow (a kind of "internal self helper" who is the only part that seems able to "control" Grumpy, but also is a bit narcissistic).

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That is all backstory to support what I'm going to say next:

@Punky143 - first let me say I FEEL so deeply for you with what you've shared. I have had some traumas and identity issues in my own life, and my own intimacy with my husband has been .. "tricky" .. I'm not a "multiple" but I definitely had some repression issues, and I had completely shut down my own ability to be intimate - My now-husband was my FIRST KISS at the age of 37, if that gives you some idea. :) :(

And my husband being a multiple has proven a whole 'nother layer of complexity to this aspect of married life .. We have had to do a LOT of homework with each other to find our own "language" in this area.

And the complexity is BEAUTIFUL! and difficult and CREATIVE! and .. probably not very "conventional" in any real sense. *sheepish grin*

But it was only mainly possible because we built (like, built-on-purpose!) a LOT (as in YEARS) of TRUST between us before we were ever intimate.

And my husband was eventually honest with me about his internal world as both part Virtue and part Fear. He thought once I knew "what was really going on" with him, that I wouldn't want him anymore. :( But here he was approaching 50 years of age, me approaching 40, neither of us married before .. and he was honestly just so TIRED of relationships where he was hiding from his partner, because that hiding always ended up in a complete break, only exacerbating his own fears-of-abandonment, his own distrust of females in general, his ANGER over feeling "used" and "betrayed" by people, etc.

He thought by inviting me to "get inside his head" that it would cause our romantic affections to self-destruct, and we could go BACK to just being best friends - which to that point in his life was the only sure-thing he'd ever experienced. I was already determined to be a LOVING and never-quitting advocate for HIS healing and happiness and wholeness, so while we wrestled with figuring out what exactly WAS "going on" with him - and it was complicated and exquisite but also painful and threatening in some ways - I learned better HOW to love him (ALL of him) and we also learned more what was going on with ME, where and why I'd shut down, myself, and unraveling BOTH of our respective abusive pasts ...

Our love GREW because of the sheer level of TRUST and HONESTY and COMMITMENT involved, and the "Marriage and Everything With It" grew OUT of that fertile soil more naturally than anyone would guess if they knew our whole story. To date, NO one in our inner circle knows that my husband is a "we" .. We still keep his multiplicity PRIVATE (not "secret" - and we think this is a critical distinction!) ..

The BIGGEST parts of his own healing journey have been -

a) acquiring a stable chronology of his own life story, capturing memories as they would surface, writing them into his timeline, helping him get a clearer understanding of his own cohesive self-narrative,

b) creating a "safe" environment where EVERY part inside my husband has the freedom to express themselves - both THRU my husband (like, everyone has a "right" to come forward if they choose), and TO me as his now-wife (I love ALL of him/them! and am committed to knowing each part fully, loving each part WELL, respecting and encouraging each part's needs/desires/memories/experiences, etc.), and

c) my husband's diligence in nurturing his own INTERNAL Communication and Cooperation (eventually getting all parts to a place of agreement as to what is "best" for the whole of my husband, and where each part fits in to the whole of his character, integrity, skills, creativity, etc.).

He has experienced SOME degrees of "integration" inside himself - he is now mainly "co-conscious" (that is, there aren't parts inside unilaterally HIDING from him or keeping "secrets" - at least that we currently know of) - if any one part is "forward" or as we say, "has the microphone" :) , my husband is AWARE of what he's saying/doing. (The dissociation he experiences has become very minor - like normal memory skips - he doesn't remember putting the collar on the cat, one part forgets to put the keys in the same place on the wall like he's supposed to, etc.) He can usually manage his own "switches" (or "clicks" as he came to call them), and he can keep from disappearing - for example, if Grumpy is triggered, Middle can still mediate and negotiate both with his Grumpy part AND with the person in front of him to calm the anger/fight response.

My husband, with years of patient persevering, is now what we prefer to call a "HEALTHY multiple!" He is no longer in "dis-order"! :inlove:

And, since we're on the topic of intimacy, I will add that my husband feels MOST himself, most free to EXPRESS himself in ALL his parts, when we're together intimately, now. We "guard" each other in our love, which is its own kind of LIBERATING. :)

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Having said all this, I don't know YOUR story - NOT every relationship is a "safe" place to have the degree of honesty that my husband had with me. So please don't think I'm suggesting you should disclose everything to your husband - some people aren't able to handle the journey very well, at least not all up front or as "fast and furiously" as we did in our journey.

I HOPE that our story gives you a little ENCOURAGEMENT -

Intimacy GROWS and can be intentionally nurtured and developed. The KEY is that you know YOURSELF - continue to GET to know yourself - continue to "keep safe" every part. And to examine "triggers" to help yourself think rightly about them. Triggers are basically "knee jerk" reactions to VERY REAL signals. (And honestly, I have my own "triggers" I wrestle with even as a "singleton"!) If you can get to a point where you can READ the signals, and choose a "fit" response, the triggers cease to be reason to "switch" and become more like ... the indicator lights on your car dashboard ..

If your husband is NOT a "safe" place for you, I hope you are able to read the "indicators" as to WHY. Maybe he IS, but some of your parts CAN'T see him that way, yet? Maybe he is in some ways, and NOT in others? and you might benefit from finding other "safe" friend/s (a gentle/loving WELL-TRAINED "DID" specializing Therapist? a trustWORTHY church community?) where you CAN nurture trust and honesty so you can discern how to love your husband well AND keep YOURSELF safe where he might not know how to, yet?

MOSTLY - I hope you can take away that while these things take TIME, the internal work for communication and cooperation (and protection!) among your "parts" is most definitely POSSIBLE, and WORTH IT!

In our case, I love my husband MORE AND MORE everyday, and the "hard" stuff is more like .. looking in the mirror and realizing something needs to be fixed/made right, and we pursue each OTHER'S best, WHATEVER that might look like. Unwaveringly committed to each other, come what may. :) :( :inlove:

I hope this post isn't just so much rambling. I sincerely HOPE for better for you! *hugs* if you accept!

~WU

 

[Punky143]

Thank you for all your responses. My husband has knowledge of how dysfunctional my family was and at times still is. He fails to connect the reasons why I act the way I do. Therefore, he holds me accountable for everything. He is in denial about his own issues and refuses to see anyone about it. So, a lot of times he projects his issues on me. I grew up with the same pattern. I haven't told anyone. I've lost so many friends etc my entire life. No one has the patience for me. Because my husband is so sensitive, and I've heard him talk about mpd and those people are nuts. So, how could I tell him?

 

[joeylittle]

Therefore, he holds me accountable for everything.

But aren't you accountable for your actions, now?

I think understanding what caused an illness or disorder to develop is useful and important - but it doesn't change the facts of our behavior.

Or, am I misunderstanding? What would you like him to do, if you could wave a wand and fix things?

 

[Hope4Now]

I've heard him talk about mpd and those people are nuts. So, how could I tell him?

I, and most other people who do not have any deep understanding of DID (what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder), used to think multiples were "crazy." The media and all the movies about people with DID contribute to this terrible misunderstanding. Most people with DID are nothing like what is portrayed in films and TV. It is far more subtle than that. And many people with DID are highly intelligent and functional in their lives at times. We are the kings and queens of being "normal."

And yet, we suffer terribly in so many areas of our lives--your original post referring to one of those areas. There are many books and articles out there that might help you open up to him about what is going on with you, if he is able and willing to read. The one book I found that really resonated with me is called The Magic Daughter. It is short and beautifully written. By a woman who is a university professor and a multiple. I gave it to my husband to read two years ago, and it was helpful for him to begin to understand some of the issues. The other book that is hugely helpful (but is also aimed at therapists and therefore much denser) is The Mosaic Mind.

I have really no idea what your relationship is like with your husband, so I certainly cannot assume that he will be open and willing to listen. But if you trust him and are committed to your relationship, then you will probably need to muster up the courage to begin talking about your issues with him because any relationship where you're hiding really deep stuff is going to suffer.

I have been lucky in so many ways in my own marriage that my own talking about therapy and my parts--in bumpy, hard, and challenging ways over the course of 3 years--seems to have given my husband the courage to begin to explore his own issues to some extent. It's still challenging to talk about things. I had a flashback while in bed with my husband the morning before I read your post. Probably why I responded to it in the first place. I fled the bed and after I'd calmed myself down some, I had to make myself go and sit down and try to explain what had happened to my husband. Because he knew something happened. I couldn't explain all of it, but I was able to acknowledge that it was his rubbing my back that had caused it. It was a hard conversation, but we've talked enough about the idea of "parts" that I was able to tell him that some young part got really activated, and he was able to sort of get it, and to be supportive.

You don't have to start with talking about the sex stuff. I still find that impossible for the most part but maybe will get there eventually. For now, he knows it's a no-touch policy unless I initiate (which I rarely do unless I'm in a part that is feeling such guilt). Whew...hard to write that and put it out there! But you can begin to talk about things that aren't as highly charged. But you have to decide if you're willing to garner the courage to do it, just a little bit at a time.

 

[Leighlee87]

I am in a somewhat similar situation atm, but possibly further down the line. I spent years silent about how much I hated being touched and how violated I often felt. My husband, like yours, feels like sex is the only way to personally feel connected. My biggest advice, speak up. It's all gonna snowball out of control. I allowed myself to be continually retraumatized instead of speaking up for myself, and long term it's done a lot of damage. I'm now looking at my relationship going, "I don't know how to fix the sexual part of our relationship, and this is something that is important to him."

I understand not being ready to discuss the multiplicity just yet, but he does need to understand that there is a history of abuse, and you are really struggling at the moment. I started with the explanation that I was going through some really rough stuff in therapy involving sexual abuse from childhood and it was making sex really hard. Make ground rules that work for you. You deserve boundaries, it's your body, and for the first time ever, you own it. So, even if it's something like not wanting unexpected touch, make that request. For a bit, I ended up having to go back to the very beginning, absolutely no touch unless I said it was okay, and as soon as I said it was done, it was done. It started with basic things like holding hands. He felt unloved, like I was repulsed by him, etc. It took a lot of communication from both of us to get through. But I had to learn/ am having to learn trust. I'm learning the concept of safe touch with my husband and that is something I should have learned ages ago. Don't go through this silent, I promise, it won't end well. This is one area where he needs to put your needs above his own while you heal a bit, I'm sure you would do the same for him.