Sufferer Maximum Federal Penitentiary, Hostage, USMC, & Childhood Trauma. 10 years without issue until MVA last March.

[dug]

I've learned to hide it for the most part . Like Tinnitus , I only hear it when I'm not concentrating , I've had multiple experiences with death and bodily harms , not so much me ( haha ,I'm still alive) anyway 14 years of working in a Maximum Federal Penitentiary , having been a hostage a few times and nearly beating an inmate to death (one of the hostage takers) , along with head on collisions , I was f*cked up before i joined the Marines in 1984 , I have a belief that (it may have changed since) the US Marine Corps isn't interested in sane individuals , they want the strongest , craziest sons of bitches they can find , like if your in a room by yourself with no chance to ever get out , the odds are good Ill fight until i can get out , sadly getting out isn't the answer anyway. Out of 78 who entered only the craziest 38 made it . I was screwed up before that , I think it was from when I was growing up , a long stance (year) without my mom ,she was ill , then I broke my leg at 8 and was in Walter reed hospital with all the damaged Vietnam vets , 6 months not at home , no body there , . I've been married 3 times (on 3 now) . I don't know what triggers me , I went for a good 10 years without any issues , was in a major auto collision last march , missed half the year of work, got better, then the beginning of January something happened , I don't know what but my outlook changed and has since felt like spiral , i seen a counselor , was good but i just don't want , i don't know , I don't know who i am anymore , i don't know where this goes ......

 

[Friday]

Damn man, you sound like me.

‘Nother one of Uncle Sam’s misguided children (Latin America, Eastern Europe), NGOs (contracting, K&R, disaster response) & various shenanigans after, turned down a sworn position to do the Volvo-driving-soccer-mom thing (have circled back to it after the divorce)… took me about 5 years to unf*ck my head after the USMC, but had a stellar 10 years following, until BAM! And shit just started to go sideways.

In retrospect? It was an unholy combo of new trauma (couldn’t protect someone I loved), crazy stress (ugly divorce, but at least it matched the marriage?), and loss of coping mechanisms (I thought I was being all “responsible” quitting smoking for my health, and saving money by quittin everything else fun “until I was back on my feet”.

Snort. Come to find? With a stress related disorder? Don’t blow off the steam that builds up, and bad things happen. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, healthy coping mechanisms, are both still ….yep… coping mechanisms. And here comes me diddybopping along, ripping the cord on everything that kept me stable. I didn’t know any better at the time, but it’s no damn wonder I lost my mind all over again.

You’re smarter than me, it took me a solid 2 years of tailspin before I was even willing to consider my past was shredding me. Even though it was only a few months before I recognized “Oh. This. Again.”

So good on, getting in front of shit. Seriously.

And check this out >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Welcome to our leaky boat. Grab a bucket & start bailing.

 

[dug]

Damn man, you sound like me.

‘Nother one of Uncle Sam’s misguided children (Latin America, Eastern Europe), NGOs (contracting, K&R, disaster response) & various shenanigans after, turned down a sworn position to do the Volvo-driving-soccer-mom thing (have circled back to it after the divorce)… took me about 5 years to unf*ck my head after the USMC, but had a stellar 10 years following, until BAM! And shit just started to go sideways.

In retrospect? It was an unholy combo of new trauma (couldn’t protect someone I loved), crazy stress (ugly divorce, but at least it matched the marriage?), and loss of coping mechanisms (I thought I was being all “responsible” quitting smoking for my health, and saving money by quittin everything else fun “until I was back on my feet”.

Snort. Come to find? With a stress related disorder? Don’t blow off the steam that builds up, and bad things happen. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, healthy coping mechanisms, are both still ….yep… coping mechanisms. And here comes me diddybopping along, ripping the cord on everything that kept me stable. I didn’t know any better at the time, but it’s no damn wonder I lost my mind all over again.

You’re smarter than me, it took me a solid 2 years of tailspin before I was even willing to consider my past was shredding me. Even though it was only a few months before I recognized “Oh. This. Again.”

So good on, getting in front of shit. Seriously.

And check this out >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Welcome to our leaky boat. Grab a bucket & start bailing.

Golf 2/5 '84-87 , yea I quit smoking the SAME reason , "diddyboppin along , yea , funny shit Marine! SF!

 

[Survivor3]

Have you ever heard the psychological term "retracing your steps"? When your feeling lost, then it can be quite useful. You think about where you were before. Where your mindest was or things you used to enjoy doing, like hobbies or such. It can be quite grounding and helps to re-orientate yourself.

 

[dug]

Have you ever heard the psychological term "retracing your steps"? When your feeling lost, then it can be quite useful. You think about where you were before. Where your mindest was or things you used to enjoy doing, like hobbies or such. It can be quite grounding and helps to re-orientate yourself.

I try to do these things , but i have trouble focusing . Like taking a test when i was younger , i knew the answers , but i couldn't focus on them , id take the F , just get the hell out of there , even now , some days i can do it , id been on hundreds of interviews id blow em because i got nervous (i get nervous then i just want to get out , if i dont get out ill say things and likely start things, !

 

[Survivor3]

Yeah, I have trouble cocentrating aswell. It's a bitch. I also even have problems stringing a sentence together, I have to really focus and think about what I'm saying.

 

[dug]

my wife wonders when i get drunk "what are you thinking, baby" , depends how drunk i am , I'm slipping out of consciousness , "I'm finally not thinking at all baby"

 

[Survivor3]

Yeah, that's why I used to drink. To stop thinking. I've been sober now 18 months.

 

[dug]

I've been sober before and i don't drink a lot anymore anyway but when something happens , like whatever triggered me recently , it helps me ,it doesn't clear the fog , it deepens the fog , but that's ok right now

 

[BigLittle]

Hi Dug,

Quote the life story so far. Thanks for sharing that. A year ago about the same stuff happened to me. Some one made a remark about my weight, because I gained way to much during the lockdowns, and I just imploded. Feeling empty, lost, dismal and I isolated and all the daimons of the past where in total control. So I started Trauma Therapy with first stabilisation for almost a year. Relapsing, stopped to work, but since I started EMDR last winter and my first real session last week, I feel more and more in the moment.

All the best to you Dug and thanks again for sharing your story.

 

[dug]

I had treatment after the fact , i was on meds ,i cant remember what, i know and remember xanax initially saved me, the reason i got treatment i was freaking out one morning, i called my buddy to come over , he couldnt at the time, so i went to him, i paced his apartment , he said , look ill take you to see a dr , i was reluctant , but we got in my truck and i drove , something happened at a stoplight (busiest street in town) , i froze , i couldnt lift my foot from the brake, i wasnt even really respnding to my friend, all i know is he took over, next thing i remember the doc said put these xanax under your tongue i did, i felt better, but i dont remember anything else, i couldnt drive my truck for nearly a year afer that and couldnt leave my room ( let alone the house ) for just as long

 

[Dynamic]

Welcome! I hope you feel better and you and your wife can work through this and stay together and find all the resources you need. It can be such a pain. But it is worth it.


Hope you reconnect with where your at and take your time!