Maybe I'm Making It Up?

[Heather]

So Bordo maybe the next time you hear it, it won't piss you off so much.

Maybe?

 

[Grama-Herc]

Excuse me but doesn't this thread belong to Sqweak? How is it you got off on some little pissing match? Back to the person who needs info and maybe some compassion.

Sqweak, I have retrograde amnesia that is inclusive of my entire childhood, so I am very aware of the holes in your life and how it makes you feel I have obcessed about this for as long as I remember. Drives me nuts. I finally had to let it go and I know that is easier said that done. Lots of meds and therapy helped but it still bugs me. My therpist told me it was good I didn't remember. He also told me that not remembering was my brains way of dealing with the trauma and I would remember when I was stable enough to handle the info.

Hope this helps. I'm willing to talk about this anytime, just ask

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Squeak,

I agree with Grama-Herc - shutting down is the brains way of dealing with trauma and protecting you.

I was terrorised by my boss for two years. He had a multiple personality disorder and decided I was a terrorist so he tortured me. He was drugging me with his medication (including sleeping medication), threating me with a letter opener, sexually harrassing me, putting pubic hair in my coffee, stole my underwear from my suitcase, tipped a cup full of pee all over me/ my desk/ the floor, psychological abused me constantly etc.

At the time, I tried to talk to my family and partner about it, but (because of their own issues) they were impossible to talk to, just judged me instead of listening and encouraging me to talk. So I shut down, didn't believe it and tried to carry on - and tried to be a better employee because according to my 'support' network this was happening because I was a bad employee. I recall trying to tell his boss, HR and the Union, and was called crazy and paranoid at the time. So again I thought I had the problem not him, dismissed it and tried to be a better employee...

His boss and HR knew by the way that he had a multiple personality disorder. But that's another story.

I was tortured for 2 years by him and I kept dismissing (as a crazy thought) and forgetting what he was doing to me. Partly because he was drugging me, partly because my brain dismissed it and partly because my 'support' network was dismissing it.

For years after the torturous 2 years I didn't remember it, I just remembered that my boss was not very nice. I couldn't place why he was a bad boss, I just knew he was bad. I went on had a career and was very successful, was in a long term relationship, moved countries, still nothing... But then I was confronted with psychological abuse again and life became tough, I kept telling my partner that I couldn't handle the psychological abuse because of my old boss. But I could not describe what my old boss did, I couldn't remember the details, just that it was really bad.

Then, I was getting on with my life, doing more study and getting great grades, then BANG! it hit me and I remembered everything with heightened emotion, not times but key events. I believe that not only was my brain trying to protect me, but the dismissal by others also made me internalize what was going on and stopped me from talking and making sense of it.

I sometimes wish I did not remember it at all, I would have been much happier not knowing. But, the moral to the story, you may not remember parts or all of what happened, but the important thing is to understand how it all made you feel at the time. The way it made you feel is the thing that needs to be worked to begin the process of recovery, not specific dates, times, or even events.

Take care of you,

 

[kimba]

Sqweak,
I know how you feel. I've talked about it and remember some times, some places. I know it is self protection because what I remember is what I was forced to do and not what may have been done to me aside from how I was forced into compliance. I know half of the story and may never know the other half.

We just have to learn to live with what we know and maybe the rest will follow someday. Doesn't mean it's a dream or didn't happen.

 

[keystone-vet]

I am in the same boat, i tell myself i am making it up, i have had a pistol in my mouth 3 times over the guilt of me thinking im faking, yes i have nightmares, i bring myself back to some of the events, but i didnt have it as bad as other people, i dont know what to do anymore, have had 1 month of terrible anxiety even cried for an hour over this.

 

[Sqweak]

Hope this helps. I'm willing to talk about this anytime, just ask

Thank you so much for posting, I noticed now that maybe I should be grateful for not being able to access whatever memories are missing. To think if I’m having a hard time now I’m obviously not ready to handle it.

I will definitely take you up on that offer. Thanks again <3

 

[scott_1971_h]

I've put a sort of "Time Line" on a big piece of butchers' paper and put stuff on it as I remembered them. Probably just as well if you dissociate as much as I do. I've had the same piece of paper for a few years now (not much spare room any more!) very useful to me and any Ts that want a 'linear time scale'.
A bit like detectives use for 'brainstorming'.
I keep it rolled up in a PVC pipe in my wardrobe (the paper is about 5x4 feet) - just fits on the bed.
Scott

 

[Heather]

How is it you got off on some little pissing match?

With all due respect to you -- I'm going to stand up for myself when I feel attacked regardless of WHOSE thread it is. It wasn't a pissing match....I explained myself, he apologized and that was the end of it.

 

[Sqweak]

Thanks Scott_1971 that's a really good idea. I've tried something like this before but it was too difficult to keep pursuing. Hopefully I can start over again, I'd really like my own time line. : )

 

[jasmin]

Oh sqweak! My memory is in shambles too. I am trying to do exactly what you're trying to do right now.