Me And Ptsd: A Year Later

[Leah123]

A little more than one year ago, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I remember a late night chat with my therapist, as I sat in bed and cried, thinking that this disorder had been with me, undiagnosed, for twenty years, and fearing that I would lose a part of myself as I worked through what turned out to be symptoms rather than aspects of my personality. Defensiveness, dissociation, avoidance, those weren't like a cough, runny nose and fever to me: those were ME. So ME that I didn't even recognize some of them, my avoidance was invisible to me.

Talking about my trauma I was reactive in ways I didn't anticipate. My veneer of self-control evaporated in the presence of my therapist. I gave way to anger, let go of my inept attempts at controlling my temper. During phone sessions, I screamed in her ear, threw the phone, smashed glass, sobbed for hours, hid in the shower, despairing, and contemplated, for the first time in decades, death.

I had nightmares, again, waking and sleeping. Flashbacks like explosions. Denial reasserted itself like a muzzle on my consciousness, needing to be sawed through. I felt like I was losing everything and feared to lose myself. But the promise, the bait, was the thought of being a better mother, for which I would have done anything and the thought of being whole and seen, irresistible incentives.

I can't believe it's been a year, but Anthony billed me the $45 I agreed to pay for annual membership dues about three days ago, lol, so it must be true.

My therapist, when I mentioned this, and some symptoms I'd wondered about lately, suggested that tomorrow, we review the PTSD Critieria/symptom list, and honor my progress, which has, I must acknowledge, been immense. She's going to go through each item with me, so I can rank my symptoms from 1 to 10.

I know some of them are a great deal better: she also says she has seen them diminish in the past year. Some are still present, and others, I fear would return if I discussed the deep trauma again, which I'll find out soon as I have decided to revisit it.

But... I know I have made gains, this has been an amazing year for me. I have returned to college, earning my coveted 4.0 average, and am only 12 months away from a degree in a meaningful field, ready to transition out of the second-class work I settled for after dropping out of high school due to dealing with the trauma. I have improved my ability to be consistently nurturing to my challenging, wonderful daughter, sharply curbing my outbursts and building more structure and love into our daily routine. I have earned a promotion and raise at work. I have recognized and worked through my avoidance, taken a graphic, intimate look at it, and come through. I've learned something new about my dissociation and had a chance to honor and ease it in therapy. I've become more authentic with my husband and others, and even gotten him into therapy as well.

I've been returning to myself, my creative, productive, motivated, spiritual, self-respecting self.

That's what I'd lost due to PTSD. Self-respect, authenticity, vibrancy. An angering thought.

I'm nervous about the session tomorrow. I recognize I am still challenged by my life despite my progress. But... as my therapist said I "have come a long way baby."

I want to use this thread to work out where I am symptomatically, in that 1 to 10 scale she mentioned, to make room for all my feelings around the all-encompassing reality of Post Traumatic Stress. In the meantime, I just wanted to share where I was in the process as I look back on the year. The forum here was, for a time, an emotional home for me; a place where I could relate to others who recognized the difficulties, and be inspired and comforted by those who really knew how it felt. I'd taken a few month break from the forum, moving on to other issues, when I saw the withdrawal this week and was happy to see my progress between then and now, and to come back and have something to take away and to give back to the forum again.

It's a wonderful resource, if not the lightest reading on the web, somewhere very special, for which I thank Anthony and the entire team of moderators, supporters and contributors.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Leah123 My Therapist Unlocked a scared 5yr old boys Imagination as that was my safe coping whilst I was being abused.

I have takeen to opening up a lot more about this self therapy I use to help me.

I feel I am releasing all that Pent up energy I was not permitted to release as that 5 yr old.

 

[Leah123]

Here's the list. I talked about it some with my T today, but it was hard to.... fit it all in, we're going to do the 1-10 rating exercise on Monday. I'll be returning to the thread to document where I am now with each item and where I was a year or so ago. It is intense to think about the trial of PTSD treatment: it was not an easy year, but... I think the strides I've made have been worth it and hope I can hold onto and solidify my progress during this year.

Criterion A: stressor
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms
The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in the following way(s): (one required)

1. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive memories. Note: Children older than six may express this symptom in repetitive play.
2. Traumatic nightmares. Note: Children may have frightening dreams without content related to the trauma(s).
3. Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) which may occur on a continuum from brief episodes to complete loss of consciousness. Note: Children may reenact the event in play.
4. Intense or prolonged distress after exposure to traumatic reminders.
5. Marked physiologic reactivity after exposure to trauma-related stimuli.

Criterion C: avoidance
Persistent effortful avoidance of distressing trauma-related stimuli after the event: (one required)

1. Trauma-related thoughts or feelings.
2. Trauma-related external reminders (e.g., people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations).

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood
Negative alterations in cognitions and mood that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required)

1. Inability to recall key features of the traumatic event (usually dissociative amnesia; not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent (and often distorted) negative beliefs and expectations about oneself or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "The world is completely dangerous").
3. Persistent distorted blame of self or others for causing the traumatic event or for resulting consequences.
4. Persistent negative trauma-related emotions (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest in (pre-traumatic) significant activities.
6. Feeling alienated from others (e.g., detachment or estrangement).
7. Constricted affect: persistent inability to experience positive emotions.

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity
Trauma-related alterations in arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required)

1. Irritable or aggressive behavior
2. Self-destructive or reckless behavior
3. Hypervigilance
4. Exaggerated startle response
5. Problems in concentration
6. Sleep disturbance

Criterion F: duration
Persistence of symptoms (in Criteria B, C, D, and E) for more than one month.

Criterion G: functional significance
Significant symptom-related distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational).

Criterion H: exclusion
Disturbance is not due to medication, substance use, or other illness.

Specify if: With dissociative symptoms.
In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli:

1. Depersonalization: experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream).
2. Derealization: experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real").

Specify if: With delayed expression.
Full diagnosis is not met until at least six months after the trauma(s), although onset of symptoms may occur immediately.

 

[The Albatross]

"I know I have made gains, this has been an amazing year for me. I have returned to college, earning my coveted 4.0 average, and am only 12 months away from a degree in a meaningful field, ready to transition out of the second-class work I settled for after dropping out of high school due to dealing with the trauma. I have improved my ability to be consistently nurturing to my challenging, wonderful daughter, sharply curbing my outbursts and building more structure and love into our daily routine. I have earned a promotion and raise at work. I have recognized and worked through my avoidance, taken a graphic, intimate look at it, and come through. I've learned something new about my dissociation and had a chance to honor and ease it in therapy. I've become more authentic with my husband and others, and even gotten him into therapy as well.

I've been returning to myself, my creative, productive, motivated, spiritual, self-respecting self."

:tup: Most excellent assessment of your improvements, congratulations!

My shrink never did anything like this with me. I benefited from his sessions, but can't help but feel that gains could have come faster with a more structured approach. Shifting gears to maintenance, to hold on to the gains, is doable. Very glad you are endeavoring to work it through.

 

[BlueOcean]

@Leah123 WOW! Such great progress! I wish my mother had been as nurturing to herself as you are to yourself.

You have such a precise, clear, honest understanding of what you're going through and who you are. It's wonderful to read :)

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a little over a year ago by an EMDR therapist. It's been a strong trans-formative year for me too. Once I learned I had CPTSD and lost many years to it, I was determined to heal and restore who I am. Now, I'm feeling much more in my own skin.

 

[intothelight]

Leah,

Congratulations on your progress and I hope you find it just keeps getting better.

 

[Leah123]

We didn't get to the list last session: I'm planning on covering it tomorrow.

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms
The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in the following way(s): (one required)

1. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive memories. Note: Children older than six may express this symptom in repetitive play.

I had memories of his hands when I touched my daughter, as if I were him, corrupted. Those were just occasional, but disturbing. Talking about the trauma actually made the frequency and variety of memories much higher, sometimes like a rapid fire slideshow, a crashing wave, sometimes just a single burning image or movie. As I talked through it, I eventually saw them decrease again, and now they're rare. My hands don't remind me of his much anymore, though this still worries me a bit, to fear to intrude on her.

2. Traumatic nightmares. Note: Children may have frightening dreams without content related to the trauma(s).
I had traumatic nightmares as a teenager which faded when I got further from home and older. Then I had a few nightmares again as I talked about the trauma, though not so graphic. Now, I have good or mixed dreams, not always pleasant, but haven't had any nightmares lately. (An added bonus, now I remember my dreams at times, before therapy I wasn't remembering any anymore.)

1. Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) which may occur on a continuum from brief episodes to complete loss of consciousness. Note: Children may reenact the event in play.

I had intense, immersive flashback type episodes after opening up about the trauma. Prior, I hadn't had those since I was a teenager as well. I have felt triggered since, but no more actual flashbacks lately, nothing so engrossing.

1. Intense or prolonged distress after exposure to traumatic reminders.

I was so distressed I thought about killing myself to ease the discomfort. I felt sick, disoriented, and tearful a lot. Those episodes lasted for days, really the whole period was distressing, just on a continuum of tough days and worse days. Now, I haven't fully tested it, but I try brining up the traumatic topics generally in therapy and it didn't seem to affect me so profoundly. I could get the words out without a panic attack or a breakdown.

1. Marked physiologic reactivity after exposure to trauma-related stimuli.

I'm not that clear on this one.

Well, I'm going to hit post but am really nervous about posting all this. Oh well... I'm hoping it will help me feel a more solid sense of progress comparing a year ago to now, because I often tend to dismiss progress or feel it's all situational or that things only seem better but really aren't, and I know that if I do this exercise, it might show differently. :)