Me Too

[Horse87]

Ive had P.t.s.d. since I was a kid
I grew up in a few rough nieghborhoods and I saw allot of things i shouldn't have and allot of things happened to me which shouldn't have happened.

I get the urge to end it sometimes maybe I'll think about jumping in front of a train or taking my roomates gun and ending it that way. I moved to Israel and joined the millitary there because I knew the american millitary wouldn't take me. I joined because of family tradition and honor, but I also hoped that maybe I could get killed, of course that didn't happen because I got put in the Rabinate"chaplincy' lucky me. Now my major problem is that part of my reserve duty is buriels If a war comes I have to deal with the bodies I already have enough damage as it is.

 

[Spero3]

Horse87,

I am sorry to hear about your PTSD and that you think so often of suicide. I understand where you are coming from. So often, the anxiety and depression are so bad that I think, "I just can't do this anymore." I want to go to sleep and never wake up so I don't have to face another day of constantly interrupting my obsessive thoughts or fighting to control the anxiety. But, then I think about my partner and my kids and all the beauty in the world, and I decide to give it another go. You are not alone in how you feel. Everyone on this list can relate. All I can say is keep going. As for your responsibility for the bodies, I cannot imagine how hard that is, but maybe you can see the preciousness of life in the death you have to face.

Spero

 

[Horse87]

Thanks spero

 

[Srain]

That's an extremely trying position you are in, Horse, and I'm wondering if there is some way you can ask for a transfer to another position. I'm thinking probably not but it's worth a try, the worst they can say is "no" and nothing changes, but you don't know unless you ask.

That being said. I get why you enlisted and hoped for what you did. I've lived my who life with suicidal ideation. It's the monkey on my back. Just this morning, though things are far from those years and the man who did those things to us, I recalled another time that tore into my brain so much I lost memory of it and Depersonalized for a long period of time to be able to survive. I was a child.

I did survive, I am recovering, I am evolving and I know I am not alone and neither are you. Those years you suffered took a terrible toll on you and you have people here that truly understand that.

peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Horse87]

thanks rain