Measuring Traumatic Events, Which Trauma Is Worse?

[Sterre]

Yesterday I went to a therapeutic centre to see If I would fit in with the therapeutic group they have going on there. If I would fit in, it would mean some seriuos help for me. If I would fit in, it would mean a year in a therapy group, where I could work on my problems.

As I spent a day there and followed and engaged in the dynamics of the group proces, I felt unhappy and vulnerable. It seemed to me, that the problems of the people engaging in that group, had a very different origin than mine. There was this girl that had to go to boarding scholl at the age of 6, and still carried a lot of pain and lonelyness about that separation, along with her. Than there was this other woman, who was sexually molested when she was 17, and she wasnt supported or believed by her familymembers, at the time, and still carried a lot of grief and pain with her from that misfortunate happening.

This group therapy was based on the Davanloo method.

For a lot of moments I felt that if it was me, engaging in that group, I would be to heavy. I felt like they where doing a ballet, while I am a street fighter or something.

I think if I would go there, I would scare them shitless, with the stories of my youth. With the stories of my trauma's. I have the feeling I would make the people in the group feel unsafe with my rawness, and my experiences. It feels isolating and stirrs up my feelings of alienation. I would feel as if I have to keep my mouth shut about the traumatic events I endured. It is as if everybody there says vagina, where I would speak c****t. To raw, to explosive, to much difference in the origin of the trauma's.

Is it fair to meassure trauma in this way? What is considered to be traumatic and life changing to some people, can be peanuts for someone else. And I dont mean for this to be offensiffe in any way.

What is your view on this matter?

Did you experience something like this in your own life?

 

[Kaii]

I understand what you are saying. I too was lumped into a therapy group with a bunch of people whose problems were no where similar to mine.

There was one girl who was afraid of spiders.
There was a woman who had a son who was schizophrenic.
There was a man who was a drug abuser.
There was a woman who was going on a trip with her family but was uncomfortable with flying.
Etc, etc, etc....

I felt so out of place, like a bump on a log. I don't think these people got it that my weekly therapy with them was the only time I left the house all week.

It was enormously stressful for me. I never spoke to anyone. I never took my jacket off. I left as soon as the session was over with.

The one and only time that someone tried to engage me in conversation (a man), I left the session and sat in my car and cried hysterically for a half an hour.

I stopped going after that. It wasn't helping me at all to be there. But it is near impossible to have a group where all the sufferers are going through the same thing, so I do understand. But it just wasnt for me.

I hope it helped the girl who was afraid of spiders though ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Gosh, cannot help but think of "Little Miss Muffet" ( :( ), eiy, though let's hope she found relief.
I don't blame you, I would feel more alone and more an outsider than ever. :(

I guess I would try different groups. Not sure if it can equate to 'serious help' if one cannot be honest.
Unless you can just privately apply the principles you learn yourself.
They usually say 'go 6 times' before you make a final decision.

 

[Sterre]

Unless you can just privately apply the principles you learn yourself.
They usually say 'go 6 times' before you make a final decision.

Thanks for your input and shared experiences on this matter!

It is not possible for me to go 6 times, because you have to make a commitment for the duration of the therapy.(which is 9 months to a year) Also it is nearly impossible to apply some private practice about the learned techniques, because it is a three days a week programm.

I fully understand that there will be all sorts of different trauma, with a different impact, that people carry around with them. But I just would feel so unsafe and alone, as if I was a cavemen or something. I would be afraid to scare of the other group members, in their therapeutic process. That my presence and history would be disturbing to them. That they will react shocked.

I feel like I don't fit in, once again.

For myself I tried to compare it with how I feel here, on this forum. There are story's that shock me, and there are story's that I can relate to, and there are story's that I cannot relate to. And that is fine. I am not the one who has the hardest or worst traumatic history here, nor am I the one who shocks people with my history here. I feel safe here, I feel like I fit in here. I know I can write anything about my history that I want, without harming anyone by coinsidence.

So, after 5 months of searching for decent help, or a trauma therapy, it seems there is nothing out here for me. Nothing that fits my circumstances and the origin of problems. I don't know anymore. It has come to a point where I will have to accept that there will be no help now, and not in the near future.

It feels so frustrating. But I have to accept, there is no other way.

Why is it, that therapist and other people don't want to talk about nasty stuff you endured? What is it that makes that you feel like you have to stay shut in order not to push people away or shock them? Even in therapeutic relationships I find this mechanism at work. You can talk about how you feel, or how you react to certain things, but not about the actual trauma and what it did to you.

 

[The Albatross]

Sterre, relate to the feeling of frustration in my own area here. All I can say is thank goodness for the 21st century where I can listen to, read, write and maybe get some understanding from the group here... because it simply is not available here.

I didn't do very well in group therapy... no one had the trauma background I did... not to minimize the people in the group but I really related where you said, "other people would say vagina and you would say c...". I haven't found it as much in one on one therapy as maybe you have. But I haven't made the progress I'd have liked to. I have done better here... so I'm not as supported 3D as I'd like to be, but I'm sticking to what works.

 

[Eleanor]

I felt unhappy and vulnerable.
It seemed to me, that the problems of the people engaging in that group, had a very different origin than mine.
There was this girl that had to go to boarding scholl at the age of 6, and still carried a lot of pain and lonelyness about that separation , along with her. Than there was this other woman, who was sexually molested when she was 17, and she wasnt supported or believed by her familymembers, at the time, and still carried a lot of grief and pain with her from that misfortunate happening.

I think if I would go there, I would scare them shitless, with the stories of my youth. With the stories of my trauma's.
I have the feeling I would make the people in the group feel unsafe with my rawness, and my experiences. It feels isolating and stirrs up my feelings of alienation. I would feel as if I have to keep my mouth shut about the traumatic events I endured.

Did you experience something like this in your own life?

FWIW - On the one hand, if it doesn't feel like a "fit" for you, it probably isn't.

On the other hand - it sounds like the source of your discomfort is "protecting" them from your experience - which is not your job. Somebody has to have "the worst" experience in any group after all.

Since you are waffling (enough to post) its likely worth "digging" a bit. I guess the crucial question for me would be "will these people support my healing process?" Its not really fair to compare a group of "real live" people with "us" (not that we are either "fake" or "dead":D - but you know what I mean...) who you have known for a while.... Are the feelings of having to clam up about your trauma something you ordinarily have anyway? So would this be a good place to challenge those feelings?

Even without PTSD - In new groups (and even in a lot of established ones) I always feel like an alien.:alien: Always have. I am a "low group."

Not that there is anything wrong with being green and having three eyes.;) (sorry couldn't resist.)

 

[Tinyflame]

Hey Eleanor.. you too?, thought it was only me, lol. Are you Irish? ;)

 

[Meadowsweet]

When people have been through events that are outside of the normal range of experiences, part of healing is surely to find some peace with not fitting in. And to learn how to be the you that you are, in a world that isn't exactly like you and won't necessarily be able to understand how it feels to be you.

But also, you don't understand what is to be them. So maybe the group would help to bridge that gap and give you the understanding of other peoples situations that could ease the fears of being so different.

Maybe your experiences are different, but what if, as human beings, you have something in common?

 

[Tinyflame]

There's another way to look at it too: maybe others would feel (as 'we' do here, often) that their traumas are insufficient to require therapy? That is, comparatively speaking, it's a bit of a 'numbers game': if the majority had severe traumas, another may feel they don't fit in (as you do now).
Seems to me, it either helps you or it doesn't.

I have a feeling though, many may have other traumas they haven't acknowledged. Sometimes it takes someone else's courage, to say it yourself.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Kaii,

That goup sounds like a bad place to be if you are trying to overcome trauma.

Who suggested you go there?

 

[Heather]

Is it fair to measure trauma in this way?

. Than there was this other woman, who was sexually molested when she was 17, and she wasnt supported or believed by her familymembers, at the time, and still carried a lot of grief and pain with her from that misfortunate happening.

I think your feelings are your feelings and if you are not comfortable in that group then it's probably not the right place for you.

However, with that being said I don't think you can measure each person's experience on a scale it's like comparing apples to oranges BUT it's still fruit. That woman's story that you wrote about it exactly LIKE mine...... I was much younger when it happened but my family doesn't believe me or support me and it has pretty much destroyed my life. So, you never know how bad it can be for someone or how it affects that person. And I can tell you and I'm sure that she'd agree that it's more than a misfortunate happening.

 

[Sterre]

Yes, it is more than a misfortunate happening. My description of situations is not as good as it should be, due to English not beingmy first language.
I'm sorry if it offended you or made you feel like your situation is not devestating.

It is a touchy subject, and without the right words for it, I should maybe not have written it.
I'm sorry.