Medical History

[Quinn17]

Hi --

I'm going to pick up medical records from my pediatrician on Monday.

I'm 27 and when I was a little kid, I was sexually abused. I have scattered memories and feelings most of which I don't really understand. I have a pretty solid memory (not really negative) of being in the doctors office as a young kid maybe about 6 and they took me outside so that the doctor could talk to my mother. They gave me toys and stickers and let me sit up on the nurses chair. My relationship with my mom is not in such a place where I could ask her about this or any other childhood stuff. So I called and asked for the medical records because I am curious to see if there's anything in there.

Now I'm wondering what what is going to be in these records? I feel excited but not in a happy way. More like anticipation and anxiety and a little bit of fear.

Has anyone ever had an experience like this before?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you sure you want to see those records? I fear that reading them may put you in a bad place. I understand that you want to know more, but those records aren't going to be censored, as they're a factual record of what happened to you from a medical standpoint. I would hate for those records to start an avalanche of anxiety and flashbacks. I know they have the power to do so.... My triggering event was pretty benign in comparison, but it still turned my life upside down.

I urge you to seriously rethink getting those records. Not because you don't deserve to know, but for the potential monster you may be unleashing. I wish you the best.

 

[Quinn17]

Oh yes, I did consider that. I should have written that I will be bringing the papers to my therapists office to look at it with her.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I am preparing for it to be hard. I know that things might get scary but at this point I feel afraid all the time. I am thinking maybe it will help for me to have something to refer to externally, as opposed to thoughts and feelings only from my memory.

 

[Leah123]

I'm glad you raised this topic. I just called and left a message for the Assistant District Attorney a few days ago to see how to get copies of the Child Protective Services report that was filed on my behalf as a teenager about sexual abuse. She returned my call, but... I haven't quite decided to call her back yet. Sigh. I personally commend you for doing it, because I know for me, it's very rewarding to have the concrete past to hold onto, especially with the fragmented state of my memory, sounds similar to yours. My only suggestion would be to be prepared if things are not as black and white as you would hope, if they do not point clearly to the abuse or are ambiguous. And to be prepared for a huge amount of anger or sadness or a mixture of feelings if there *is* something damning in there that was overlooked, or that you now see could have saved you some suffering if things were handled differently.

I hope you'll post back here how it goes. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!

 

[rightkindofme]

I have chosen to never look at the police documentation about what my father did to me. I don't think I can live with having those words in my head.

 

[Hashi]

I keep thinking about asking for a copy of my hospital records. I'm afraid that things in them would be worse than I remember. I'm equally afraid that there wouldn't be very much on record and that would be just as upsetting. I don't think that could be the case because these were A&E (emergency room) records but I still worry about it. My biggest fear is that there would be photographs.

With records from childhood doctors, I think there'd be more chance of the entries being minimalist or glossed over. I'll never know because just before they converted paper records to computer, I stole my file from the doctor's surgery and destroyed it without looking at it. I was trying to make things not be true.

I'm not sure if I'd look at them if they still existed. but I definitely understand that you want to see yours. In my case, I think my concern would still be that they'd say too little rather than too much.