Memory loss

[Robsto1969]

Hi I will try my best to explain this with as much detail and try and keep it somewhat short. I’m 57 years old and few months ago I was with my wife and her friend and something was said that made me remember a very traumatic sexual abuse from my childhood when I was around 10. It was weird it was something I never ever thought about and it just came out and I was pretty emotional.

Since then I’ve started remembering more details and other times. Pretty sick stuff for a kid to go through. Ok forward four or five months and my wife and are are having some problems (no violence of any kind). She decides to leave me and stay with her gf. I am a very instant emotional reactive person and don’t think before I act or say things a lot of the time.

Ok I started trauma therapy last Wednesday because I was really struggling with these memories that seemed to just keep adding up. I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t eat etc plus all if the stress of my separation that I don’t want. I called my wife and I told her I was walking into my first trauma session (she knew some stuff but not all) she also had a very abusive childhood so i know she understands. She told me I have a lot going on and to please just be careful and if I feel like it’s too much just stop. She seemed very concerned and loving actually which made me feel a lot better about going into the session.

After the session I felt numb and kind of like out of body or in a fog. I came home and laid in bed and was very emotional the rest of the night and talked to no one. The next morning i woke up breathing very heavy and it felt like someone was literally sitting on my chest. I looked at my phone and saw that my wife had filed for divorce the previous day when I had the therapy.

Here’s what is so strange and I really need to try and understand. I remember seeing the divorce notice and I felt so betrayed and hurt and I went in to full panic mode. I remember parts of the day for the rest of the day but I don’t remember a lot of it at all! And what I do remember the timeline is all off. I called a couple people I haven’t talked to in months and I don’t remember calling. Like I said that day is like most of it never existed.

Does anyone know why this would happen.

Three days later I was driving and my brother called me and I was told my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer and was in hospice. My brother said I hung up and didn’t say anything. I don’t even remember hanging up. I wound up driving to a church and when I actually started to come out of the shock or whatever I didn’t remember going to the church. I’d never been there before. A pastor and a lady were sitting with me when I realized I was there. I told them I don’t even know how I got her and they told me I came in and asked if it was normal for God to allow this much suffering in such a short time and I told them about my separation and my trauma and my sister. I don’t remember even talking to them. I thanked them and walked out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat there a while.

Can anyone tell me what is happening. It’s been a couple days since that and I feel much calmer and haven’t had any sort of blackouts or forgetting things. It just concerns me because I’ve never had anything like this happen. I feel like I’m too old and maybe going to this trauma therapy is not a good idea. Sorry for the long read. I appreciate any opinions or advice. Robert

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

That’s a boatload of stuff to go through in a very short period of time. So it makes a lot of sense that your brain is checking out as a way of coping. As frustrating as it can be, as a way of coping with completely overwhelming stress, it does work in its own (dysfunctional!) way.

Two things I’d probably suggest. Be open with your T about this - they’re really well placed to help you navigate your way through this, reduce the frequency and length of the blackouts you’re experiencing, and give some strategies that might help mitigate them completely.

They will probably want to get you stabilised before pursuing your trauma history further right now. But that’s time well spent. Stabilisation work is what gets us back up and functional again, and in the headspace we need to be in to get through the (very destabilising) trauma processing work long term.

The second suggestion would be to drop in to your GP. While dissociation is a very logical and obvious reason for them given the stress you’re under, if blackouts are a new experience for you it would be worth ruling out any other more sinister potential causes.

 

[Robsto1969]

Welcome to the forum:)

That’s a boatload of stuff to go through in a very short period of time. So it makes a lot of sense that your brain is checking out as a way of coping. As frustrating as it can be, as a way of coping with completely overwhelming stress, it does work in its own (dysfunctional!) way.

Two things I’d probably suggest. Be open with your T about this - they’re really well placed to help you navigate your way through this, reduce the frequency and length of the blackouts you’re experiencing, and give some strategies that might help mitigate them completely.

They will probably want to get you stabilised before pursuing your trauma history further right now. But that’s time well spent. Stabilisation work is what gets us back up and functional again, and in the headspace we need to be in to get through the (very destabilising) trauma processing work long term.

The second suggestion would be to drop in to your GP. While dissociation is a very logical and obvious reason for them given the stress you’re under, if blackouts are a new experience for you it would be worth ruling out any other more sinister potential causes.

Thank you in just didnt know if not remembering an almost entire day was a normal thing. I’ve never had that happen before

 

[corgi_SDiT]

That happens to me sometimes. My therapist just said it was a trauma response if something triggered flashbacks and things like that. You can always DM me with any questions. I will also be watching this thread.

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:

You can always DM me with any questions.

We don’t have DM options for members on the forum:)

 

[corgi_SDiT]

That is odd. There is a DM section in my messages

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:

That is odd. There is a DM section in my messages

There is a function that allows staff to message members. There is no option for members to DM each other.

Please direct questions about the forum to Contact. Side conversations like this highjack threads.

Let’s steer this conversation back to the topic

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry those memories have come back like that. Coupled with the divorce. And your sister's situation.
That is so much to deal with all at once.

The disassociation you are experiencing (the lack of memory) is super super common with trauma.
The return of repressed memories is super super common.

Knowing that so many of us experience the same thing can bring a bit of relief that you're not going mad, and you're not on your own in understanding this.
Step by step, little by little, you'll learn a 'new normal' and understand what is happening inside your mind and why.

It's great you have started therapy.

A book that really helped me, if reading books helps you, is "healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by Janina fisher. It talks a lot about trauma and disassociation and parts of ourselves that might have been split off (the repressed memories etc).
Another book a lot of people talk about, but which I find too heavy, is "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van de kolk (or something like that, I am likely to have the spelling wrong).
And, Pete walkers "from surviving to thriving" which is a really good sort of A-Z of PTSD and trauma.

And this site! I've learnt so much from others here.

Something to work on, over time, if these memory lapses/disassociation is disturbing you, is to work on what you're feeling just before it happens. So you can build in grounding techniques to keep you in the here and now rather than your mind shutting down. But, right now, your mind is working hard to protect you and not overload you with all the stress that is happening. So maybe take baby steps with it.

You're in good company here.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

My heart goes out to you. I was blind sided too so I know your pain. A year and a half later things look way different. In therapy my therapist told me I was the victim of long term narcissistic abuse. It was a 28 year marriage. I had never thought my wife was abusive but when I started reading about covert narcissistic abuse it all seems to fit. Even the part about not knowing I was being abused. Apparently that is common. Anyway, a year and a half later I have no desire to be married to her. I have been no contact for 10 months and that is the best thing I have ever done. I have big blank spots in my memory from childhood due to the violence. I did several EMDR sessions and that prompted member yea to start coming back. You are in a very confusing tome right now so take it easy on yourself. Cover the basics, eating healthy, getting fresh air and exercise. Keep up on the therapy. Life will be different and it will certainly get better than it is right now when you are still in shock. There is no malign pill, just put one foot in front of the other and move forward on your healing journey.

 

[arfie]

hello robert. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i started my recovery in 1972 with "trauma induced amnesia." i had blocked the memories of my entire childhood. it took me another 15 years or so to understand why my shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i couldn't remember my childhood but i knew my birth family well enough to be convinced it was a childhood worth forgetting.

since i got with the amnesia therapy in the mid 80's, i have come to call what you describe as, "remembrance episodes." my memory banks and emotional stability go haywire when a repressed memory surfaces. those repressed memories are still resurfacing all these years later, but i've gotten pretty good at managing the side effects.

It’s been a couple days since that and I feel much calmer

my own case is atypically severe, but this has not been a good thing in my own recovery. it usually means i am repressing again. the calming is similar to how a junkie calms down after ingesting "a hair of the dog that bit you."

I feel like I’m too old and maybe going to this trauma therapy is not a good idea.

at 71, i feel like i'm old enough to slap 57 year pups upside the head when they tell me they're too old. i solidly disagree about your being too old for trauma therapy. it might even save you on anxiety related illnesses.

 

[ruen]

Hi I will try my best to explain this with as much detail and try and keep it somewhat short. I’m 57 years old and few months ago I was with my wife and her friend and something was said that made me remember a very traumatic sexual abuse from my childhood when I was around 10. It was weird it was something I never ever thought about and it just came out and I was pretty emotional.

Since then I’ve started remembering more details and other times. Pretty sick stuff for a kid to go through. Ok forward four or five months and my wife and are are having some problems (no violence of any kind). She decides to leave me and stay with her gf. I am a very instant emotional reactive person and don’t think before I act or say things a lot of the time.

Ok I started trauma therapy last Wednesday because I was really struggling with these memories that seemed to just keep adding up. I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t eat etc plus all if the stress of my separation that I don’t want. I called my wife and I told her I was walking into my first trauma session (she knew some stuff but not all) she also had a very abusive childhood so i know she understands. She told me I have a lot going on and to please just be careful and if I feel like it’s too much just stop. She seemed very concerned and loving actually which made me feel a lot better about going into the session.

After the session I felt numb and kind of like out of body or in a fog. I came home and laid in bed and was very emotional the rest of the night and talked to no one. The next morning i woke up breathing very heavy and it felt like someone was literally sitting on my chest. I looked at my phone and saw that my wife had filed for divorce the previous day when I had the therapy.

Here’s what is so strange and I really need to try and understand. I remember seeing the divorce notice and I felt so betrayed and hurt and I went in to full panic mode. I remember parts of the day for the rest of the day but I don’t remember a lot of it at all! And what I do remember the timeline is all off. I called a couple people I haven’t talked to in months and I don’t remember calling. Like I said that day is like most of it never existed.

Does anyone know why this would happen.

Three days later I was driving and my brother called me and I was told my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer and was in hospice. My brother said I hung up and didn’t say anything. I don’t even remember hanging up. I wound up driving to a church and when I actually started to come out of the shock or whatever I didn’t remember going to the church. I’d never been there before. A pastor and a lady were sitting with me when I realized I was there. I told them I don’t even know how I got her and they told me I came in and asked if it was normal for God to allow this much suffering in such a short time and I told them about my separation and my trauma and my sister. I don’t remember even talking to them. I thanked them and walked out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat there a while.

Can anyone tell me what is happening. It’s been a couple days since that and I feel much calmer and haven’t had any sort of blackouts or forgetting things. It just concerns me because I’ve never had anything like this happen. I feel like I’m too old and maybe going to this trauma therapy is not a good idea. Sorry for the long read. I appreciate any opinions or advice. Robert

Yes, extreme stress shuts down parts of the brain not immediately necessary for survival, and memory is the first to go.

When I was in hospital once decades ago I don't recall the three first days I was there. Not then and not now.

My friend Bob, after being run over, temporarily died and then was in hospital for six months, which he doesn't recall.

Doctors, therapists and others may have fancy labels or diagnosis to name it, but ultimately trauma is trauma, including grief and loss; the way the body handles it to keep a person surviving, safe and functioning is universal.