Men Strangers

[Let It Be]

It's been a rough weekend since I posted the above, but now I know why. It seems that I have been carrying this awful terror inside of me for as long as I can remember.

I woke this morning after probably eating more than I should, that I have always been afraid that if I get close to a man, I will die. Lots of baggage and trauma from my father and the guy I was married to that I haven't been able to separate myself from until now!

I was finally able to say, hey wait a minute. Yes, the men in my life were (now I can fill in the blank with the truth), and now I will take it day by day as I go forward. How ironic is this revelation is that tomorrow would have been my husband's birthday. He is no longer living.

Just needed to come back here to post this update about how that fear of almost dying or being killed has impacted me all these years. I still think chocolate is in order as my body does some major letting go! Thank you!

 

[piratelady]

Almost all men make me very nervous. There is one man in my life I can be around and feel 100% comfortable. Nothing he ever says or does makes me scared or nervous. I've never been sure what is so different between him and all the other people in the world.

It is nice to read the posts and see that with therapy, and talking through the past can help.

 

[TeddySue]

always been afraid that if I get close to a man, I will die...how that fear of almost dying or being killed has impacted me all these years.

Fear is a very bad thing, especially when you are close to the things you fear. I swear my so-called husband, when he was living here, tried to kill me.

He would always fill the pill box each week for my daughter and me. Yes, you'd think that was a nice thing...he always had ulterior motives.

After one week I asked him why my blood pressure meds were not the same; he said, "I figured you've lost so much weight you didn't need that much any more."

 

[TeddySue]

I have very mixed up feelings about men.

Were you loved and cherished by your father? If not, maybe you are seeking that vicariously through men you seek approval from.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Were you loved and cherished by your father? If not, maybe you are seeking that vicariously through men you seek approval from.

My father is extremely logical and doesn't express feelings like love. He's also very old fashioned and dominant. Today he told my mother that she wasn't allowed some peanuts before her dinner. He took them off her and hid them. She's 67 and eats very healthily. Later he said she could have a nut after she'd made coffee. There's no reason for it, it was just his way of dominating.

But I think the bigger problem with regard to my confusion about men, is my father's attitude to fear and safety. He thinks it's is good for children to face fear. But his belief is that situations are only dangerous because people panic and do daft things.

As the youngest child, I very often didn't have the skills, judgement, knowledge or even physical strength to handle the situation. It was stuff like climbing cliffs, walking through fields of bulls, taking on big waves or letting the dog play rough around me.

But when I messed up, got stuck, started panicking, crying or whatever, he got annoyed and told me I was stupid and ridiculous. But he also told me where the footholes were to get me off the cliff I was stuck up, or shouted aggressively at the bulls or at the dog, and they'd listen to him.

So I do seek approval. But it can be by accepting things that I find unpleasant or dangerous. But the confusion comes because I also see men as protectors/saviours to my uselessness. So it can be a vicious circle.

Thankyou for asking though, I've had a bad day seeing him try to belittle and humiliate my mum like that.

 

[TeddySue]

So I do seek approval. But it can be by accepting things that I find unpleasant or dangerous. But the confusion comes because I also see men as protectors/saviours to my uselessness. So it can be a vicious circle.

I always sought men who were mean and controlling just like my dad, thinking that maybe if the men would accept me it would make up for my dad not ever accepting me. It IS a vicious circle! And I, too, watched my dad control and belittle my mom, but she shared something with him that I never could; she was accepted and I wasn't.

 

[Let It Be]

My goal for today, tomorrow and the day after that, is to uncover that fear that has been preventing me from feeling safe, from being able to just say hi to a male.

I envision sitting besides a man, and he is saying hi, and I freeze because I know he will want to have a conversation with me. I'm sure it goes back to that time, where I began a conversation with a man years ago, and it didn't turn out very well.

I want to feel whatever I need to feel to unlock those feelings and to know that I have the skills and the resources that I wouldn't put myself into that kind of situation again.

I want to be able to just say hi, and carry on a conversation. I'm recognizing how my belief that I would "die" is still there from the past. I do know that if I just say hi, to a friendly guy, I will be okay, but how to get past that initial hi, is my goal that I'm working on, now and in the future.

 

[Let It Be]

Well, I have talked about it and talked about it, but as of now, I believe I'm feeling it.

I have talked about my father and his beatings with the belt and then when guys wanted me to go out on dates during high school, I was so terrified of being alone with a man in a car. The two worlds collided with me. Of course, then I married someone like my father.

Just more to my story of how what happened when I was growing up has affected me. Because of a certain man, all men became my trigger and how I always had that feeling that I was going to die.

Just wanted to come back and post this, as my body/soul/spirit deal with what happened years ago, but today, I'm feeling who knows what, as what a T called my father "a butcher of people", as his occupation was cutting up meat.