Mental Health And Family Relationships

[MissMacD]

So. Over the past few years I have worked really hard to tastefully scissor out my mother, father and sister, however, over the past few weeks my mother and sister have suddenly decided to try to contact me again.

I ended contact with my family because having a relationship with them is extremely destructive to my mental health. My mother and sister are manipulative and love to victimize themselves and guilt me into feeling bad about not having them in my life. I decided for my own well being and happiness to move away and live on without them but when they randomly show up it throws my world upside down.

I am working on not letting their pestering bothering me, but I know that it's a subject that will take time to master. A lot of hurtful things have happened between my mother and sister and in all the time that I've had relationships with them it's always been everyone for themselves so neither of them have looked out for me.

I've had unrealistic expectations and have been far too hopeful of what they are capable. I am crawling in my skin today because of my family. My mom sent me an email saying she misses me and that she wants me to send back photo negatives that she's had for 30 years but never processed.

I am tired of my mother and sister only wanting to have contact with me when they feel like it. What are some ways that I can deal with them more positively without creating drama?

 

[arfie]

I'll let you know ways to avoid the family dramas when I find one. Not even inter-continental flights and immersion in other languages have helped in my case. I tried going mega-bitch for quite a few years but it changed me more than it changed the family dysfunctions.

I currently go on the "less is better" plan. I speak when I am spoken to and keep my responses as honest and respectfully concise as possible. It is not a solution, but it keeps the damage minimal.

 

[The Albatross]

Boundaries, boundaries, and gift giving: books on boundaries and dysfunctional families. Mine wholly expect this of me and I have more levity with them now... but a boundary when set will always be tested. I got no problem with that now and have actually loosened up on the rigorousness with which the boundary is defended.

I got to remember who I am dealing with here, right? ;)

 

[scout86]

I'm totally with arfie on this! (And have been dealing with a small scale version myself lately.)

I just keep contact to a minimum. In my case, I left after high school and have let them maintain contact but haven't ever tried to have anything that could be described as a "relationship". My mom's in her 80's now and living alone for the first time in her life. It's a great excuse to try to make someone feel sorry and concerned and help her deal with her own issues. Which is an issue in itself because the way the game is played, there's a problem, it's set up so I decide that I'm responsible for solving it, I try, but, by definition, nothing I say can possibly work. (Did I mention that I passionately hate that game?) Anyway, I'm calling her, on her schedule, and talking to her like I would talk to some random lonely old lady living down the road. A lady I don't actually enjoy talking to, that is. She doesn't actually NEED me for anything. My younger brother lives a couple blocks away. My folks moved from my home town a few years ago, to be closer to him. He's got all the legal power, should any of that need to be exercised. No one asks what I think, no one listens when I say something. They have a deal that seems to work for them. I'm staying out of it. In spite of all that, for reasons that I don't get, my mom still insists on complaining about stuff she won't try to fix. A big part of my philosophy of life could be described as "deal with it or shut up", so complaining combined with refusal to DO something drives me nuts. (More nuts? LOL) This whole thing tends to trigger a long standing response coming from a time when I felt I really DID have to solve what ever her problem was ASAP OR ELSE. Not good! I just work at not letting myself get sucked in.

I guess all I can say is you have to find a way that works for you, to stay as uninvolved as you can. The fact that you get that it's not good for you to be involved with them seems like it would be half the battle. Respect the validity of that!

 

[DMerish]

My mom sent me an email saying she misses me and that she wants me to send back photo negatives that she's had for 30 years but never processed.

Just do what makes you happy without harming others. Just live your life. Living your life in a satisfory manner with as much happiness that you can pull into it will make these types of things not bother you so much. When requests are made (like the one your mother made for the negatives) simply comply without fan fair when/if you are able to.

Any time someone tries to guilt you into doing something take a step backwards and try to figure out what they really want.

As to your mom saying she misses you, lots of folks are very lonely when they get older and dispite the past struggles within the relationship with a child, they want to know their child is "there" - like everyone, they want recognition, connection, to feel known and accepted.

I don't know you Ms MacD, or what you've been through. I don't judge why you don't want to have contact with your family. I just know that passive aggressive/avoiding relations is sometimes just the other end of the stick where guilt tripping lays. And, I know and understand that people who have had traumatic childhood experiences, who did not receive love and support from their family, and whose family continues to be toxic MUST separate themselves from their family in order to heal and move on with their lives.

Your commitment is to your peace, doing what you need to do to define yourself and your sense of fulfillment, as long as it does not cause harm to others. [Causing harm is different than other people feeling hurt because of something you did or did not do]

I currently go on the "less is better" plan. I speak when I am spoken to and keep my responses as honest and respectfully concise as possible. It is not a solution, but it keeps the damage minimal.

:tup:

 

[Marf]

However you decide to proceed, be self aware of what you want to do. If you choose to do something for one of them, be aware of it and take care of yourself and honor your feelings about your own decision.

 

[MissMacD]

My mother and sister go through cycles with me where they want me around 24/7 and want to be my best friend. After a few weeks or a month when they get their fill they disappear and refuse to return any of my contact attempts. I feel that my family contacts me for the wrong reasons and because in the past I've set no boundaries. I am tired of being used and for them not considering my feelings when they ditch me and just expecting me to play nice like nothing has happened countless times over the past thirty some years.

My mother hasn't been a mother and my sister hasn't been a sister. My own health is so valuable and I feel that taking chances with toxic family members isn't worth it. It's hard though when they want contact, but I know it isn't worth how much I get crushed when they get tired of me and write me off.

I deserve better.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. I know my own family can say that about me, the intermittent contact. But it has less to do with them and more to do which my ability to cope. Boundary set as you choose, but I think you would do well to address any potential "abandonment issues". My friends and immediate family don't have those, so they can be pretty expansive when I disappear for a while.

If you are "scorekeeping" I suggest you ditch it as well as looking over a 30 year span. I know most all of us are able to find disappointment if we were to look that hard.

You might deserve better, but you might also take a look at their states and see where you can be generous about it. I treat my brother, brother in law, mother and mother in law like they are one of my at home geriatric clients. Do they know this? No, but it helps me to perceive them in that way so that I can be more expansive and less demanding of my own stuff.