Mild Flashbacks

[PreciousChild]

Hi all, I'm pretty new to this forum and still learning. It's really helpful to read the posts here. My post isn't going to be very exciting, but when I posted my last depression episode, I handled the depression much better than I had expected despite the fact that I didn't get a whole lot of feedback. It helped just to have posted and expressed myself to like-minded people.

In looking at people's posts, I don't feel that my experiences are nearly as bad as many people's, but they're mine, and I still have to live with the pit in my stomach, the pressure in my head, and the awful feeling when I get triggered. I know that these feelings are unnecessary and are keeping me back. My parents weren't prepared to be parents, and I'm still paying for their mistakes. I want to be free to determine my life my own way. I deserve better than to be under constant feelings of threat.

My trigger is feeling abandoned. My parents made some bad choices, but the one that hurt me the most was when I was about 3 or 4. We were poor, and I used to eat with a frown on my face because I wasn't happy with the little choices we had. My dad who was narcissistic, and very punitive and was incensed that I would disrespect his ability to provide for the family. At one dinner, without any previous word, he told me to turn and face the wall, and after that, I heard nothing. He had taken the whole family and left and didn't come back until the next day. I cried my head off and fell asleep in the doorway, wanting to find my family, but not knowing where to go. At that age, I thought that I was going to die. When I get triggered, I often feel this sense of abandonment, and get sleepy soon after. It's like my mind is trying to shut itself down.

I can hardly go through a day when I don't perceive some sort of rejection or disapproval. A friend might cancel a date, or my son's friends' family might appear distant, and instead of just accepting the minor change of plans, or dealing with the reality of more distant friends, my insides drop and my whole body panics. I expect some sort of smack down in which I am taught a harsh lesson by everyone turning their backs on me. I become so convinced that there have been times when I sit in a corner at work with a scowl and try to stay out of everyone's way convinced that everyone hates me. I remember one time during an episode, someone came over to give me a brief hug, and I was completely shocked. It shocked me that not everyone hated me.

Over the years, I've gotten better and have learned from experience that my perception just might be distorted and needs to be questioned. But it's still a struggle.

 

[illusionist]

I have managed to change my thinking on similar situations over the years...but still get that initial pang before my mind questions the situation realistically. I don't think it will ever totally leave me but it's certainly become manageable....it took a lot of practice.

 

[City Slicker]

He had taken the whole family and left and didn't come back until the next day.

@PreciousChild - it sickens me this was done to you.

You have come so far even though it seems at times you are right back to that scared little child again.

I think one of the hardest things is in sorting out the perceptions around which the 'reality check' has to happen - and you are doing it.

I hope you are finding some joy along your journey.

 

[Bird33]

@PreciousChild i am so sorry to hear what you had to go through and that you are struggling now. The positive is that you know what your triggers are so every time you start to feel that way you need a mantra like "this is now and what happened when I was a child is not happening anymore. I am a good person." Keep repeating it over in your head while doing some grounding techniques like holding ice or smelling a scent.
Good luck.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks for your supportive comments. It's very affirming to know that I can write such a post and people actually understand what the experience is about. It's also helpful to have people who have probably been pretty hurt themselves confirm that it was an awful thing to do to a child. For a long time, I felt that because it happened so early, I would never be able to change it, and that I would always remain scarred. But the fact that I can recognize it for what it is is progress and HOPE. Thanks Bird33 for the advice. I was reading about grounding, and think I should try it the next time.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I read this...

I don't feel that my experiences are nearly as bad as many people's, but they're mine, and I still have to live with the pit in my stomach, the pressure in my head, and the awful feeling when I get triggered.

...then I read this:

He had taken the whole family and left and didn't come back until the next day. I cried my head off and fell asleep in the doorway, wanting to find my family, but not knowing where to go.

Don't minimize what's happened to you. That was a horrible thing to do to a child, especially so young. I have a 4 year old, and there is no way, ever, for any reason whatsoever, we would do that to him. Heck, I wouldn't even do that to my 13-year-old. That was absolutely horrible.

For me personally, I find I struggle at least as much with the emotional abuse as with anything else that happened. Those flashbacks might seem "mild" in the sense that the pictures aren't as traumatizing, and it seems like I should just be able to get over it and move on already. But the emotional aspect of those flashbacks is very, very real.

But like you said, we have to realize that most people don't think like that and don't treat people like that. And when they do, it's nearly always about them, not about us.

I don't have answers. My Ts are working with these same issues with me...learning to not put that old spin on other people's actions, and learning to see myself as a worthy, valuable, unique person. I'm soooo not there yet.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks so much Dogwood Tree. No, I wouldn't have left my son alone for an hour much less a whole night at 3, 4, 5...13, yet my dad did that. It helps me to hear the insanity of that choice because it's a reality check I need. Yes, I am trying to honor my emotional truth. I know that doing that will help me honor others', including my son's. It's such a struggle. It's like a person trying to see the actual colors of the world looking through a green lens. It's hard to see the green as a distortion and not part of the reality.

 

[ghotiff]

As another example of how shocking that event was for you (or would have been for anyone).

When my eldest was 10, they desperately wanted to be left at home alone as a kind of "grown up" thing.

So after months of begging, one day I did leave my eldest alone for one hour while we walked to a nearby area that they knew well. We were less than 5min walk away, somewhere that my eldest had walked to regularly and we were in shouting distance.

After less than an hour I came home and my eldest was so grateful I was back and told me how terrified they were. I was completely surprised by this as my eldest had been asking for so long.....but my eldest were terrified being left.

I hope that helps put your shocking event in more context as how shocking it was.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks Ghotiff. I really like your profile pic. Really beautiful. Thanks for giving me that anecdote. It does help to further put a context on what happened. I'm so glad I posted my latest episode. These posts go a long way in making me feel recognized.