Mind Not Of My Own

[Dalmaoma]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression. I suffered a nervous breakdown over a year ago. At first, I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me or why. My life utterly fell apart. It came to be enlightened to me that the sexual abuse my sister and I suffered as children along with her persistence to press charges against him only several years ago was the cause of my severe depression and post traumatic stress. I am currently in therapy and have no idea how to process these occurences of the past nor how to open up about them. I fear opening up because of not knowing how I'm going to be affected by doing so. My therapist wants me to obtain coping skills in order to process the events. I guess I'm looking for a magical fix to fix me, where I'll be as I once was. The question is can I ever be as I was before when I had few thoughts of the abuse, when I was strong and unafraid. It now makes up everything I am and defines who I've come to be. The slightest amount of stress causes me to react unfavorably; triggering tears and emotional unrest. My boyfriend recently attempted to break up with me. I didn't handle that well at all. Honestly, had he been successful I don't know how I would've reacted. I fear having to be hospitalized again and it is something I don't want. I've been locked up numerous times and while it offers a place to be watched and medicine administered; it isn't a place I want to find myself. My mind is going into directions on its own; feeling as though it functions outside of myself.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Dalmaoma, that is horrible for a child to go through such things. There is a special section on the forum which may be helpful for you : [DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org[/DLMURL]

What ever happens in the meantime, please stay in contact with the professional med team as they offer a specialized support. On the forum, the members offer a support system, but between pairs - nothing professional.

Best of luck, will be looking forward to reading your posts.

 

[Dalmaoma]

Thank you, Froggie. From what I've seen of the site so far, looks like a really good forum. :rolleyes:

 

[TLight]

I'm like you....was ok until 29, then whammo, breakdown and never the same sense. I survived working until 42, but really poorly. Several suicide attempts, was told I should be hospitalized at the beginning of therapy, but managed to convince them to do outpatient.
Therapy for 5 years, but really didn't help much, although I'm stable now.

Not working and not being around triggers seems to be the only thing that's helped. I still suffer from horrible insomnia, flashbacks, and rages. Sometimes really bad dissociation to the point I can't drive.
Meds have helped (seroquel and klonopin).

So sorry. I know exactly where you are at. Try to get away from triggers, stress, and be good to you..........bed days are still frequent for me, usually worse with lack of sleep and extreme hypervigilance.

Welcome...you aren't alone.

 

[Dalmaoma]

Hi, TLight:

Thanks so much for your comment and reply. It is nice to have someone else's perspective. I too have incredible insomnia, flashbacks and hallucinations. I'd like to hear more on your dissociation, if you feel up to discussing it.

I had an event that shook me to my core. I took my mom's car to go not even a mile to the grocery store. I felt like a fish out of water. I couldn't drive correctly, felt volatile. It shook me up so badly that I was physically shaking and wanted nothing more but to make it back to my mother's and park the car. Something as simple as driving and I couldn't do it.

I have been on various anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medications. They always seem to work for awhile and then aren't effective. My doctor has increased my meds to the max. It exhausts me from the side effects and makes me feel like a zombie. That is the only negative part. I try not to be that way frequently because I think my mom sees me as being lazy when it is from the medication. I've often decreased my dosage in order to function.

I've had various suicide attempts too. I've been hospitalized so many times I honestly couldn't tell you. I hope to not encounter that again, but as I've learned with being this way, nothing is for certain and anything can change.

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