Mind Still Racing After Years of Trauma

[sessnme]

I have been abused, humliated, sexually molested by many, been through just about every way a person can die by murder, witnessed abuse, abused myself, my family, my friends. I have been a friend to the devils who commited murder (prior of course). I have been told I would amount to nothing. All my life of course.

Now the racing mind issues. I cannot forget anything bad that has ever happened to me and it controls how my mind works. I have been on many anti-depressents, bipolar meds, heart medicine because of the stress of my life, I see 2 therapists each week, and have been complaining about my mind not stopping. It runs like a spaceship taking off but constantly. I have tried meditation, hobbies, alone time away from family, I've tried working alone. I feel good when I am near my wife, but she says I smother her.

What goes through my mind this much you ask? Everything. I mean everything. Right now as I am writhing this thread I am thinking about work, what we will have for supper tonite, how I have to return the rented movies before they become late, if the kids really do enjoy living here, why Matt decided to stab my grandma 23 times in the chest and then slit her throat because she wouldn't die from the stab wounds. I am thinking about how he walked upstairs and walked into his oldest (9) daughters room and as if nothing was wrong, slit her throat 7 times, enough to sever her spinal cord and cut off the fingers that she tried to shield the knife from. Then walking down the hall and also cutting the throat of his youngest girl (3) , but not quite killing her, but leaving the scene so she would suffer a long and painful death. All along allowing his 2 sons to hide under thier covers and pretend nothing was happening because they wondered if they were next. Next the most shocking, yes it gets worse, he wrote on the wall on the staircase in big red letters (his daughters blood) SEE YOU IN HELL. Also thinking about the way we used to hang out and have fun drinking and tearing up the town.

I could continue as to what is going through my mind at this instant but it is infinate. It goes on and on. Not always the same thing, but things that I have no control over, things that I can help with or respond to. Things that are so awfull that it gives my the shivers.Things so awfull that the meds they give me don't do anything but slow down the process and make it longer and more painful. I have several different ways of dealing with my psycosis (sp). All of which mean that I will be alone and in the streets, punishing my self for what I feel I could have prevented.

As I conclude this rather confusing and lenghty thread, just don't worry about me. I am not suicidal or life threating. I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. I just want mind to stop!!! I want to be a vegetable and not think of anything. I wish I could do acid again, it made me forget all bad and think of all good!!

Even for a couple of minutes...

 

[void]

You could not have stopped Matt.
Only Matt is responsible for his crimes.
You could not have stopped yourself from being traumatized by his actions.

I know what it's like for my mind to race and I hate it too. I don't have a solution.

May you somehow find peace:smile:
Void

 

[TLight]

I know it is just about impossible when your mind is going like that......but meditation works incredably to change the circuitry. I've been practicing for years and getting significant relief. However, for years I was exactly like you..........it is terrible, awful and excruciating.........what I did to get through my awake time and do a day was chant the Lord's prayer in my head over and over and over..........it was always going through my head. Of course, to get me to sleep for all those years took a good dose of sedatives and still does sometimes, for nighttime is the worst.

Try it. Doesn't even have to be the Lord's Prayer.........even, "I'm safe" I'm safe"........just keep your mind focused on the one mantra. Eventually it will calm it down, except when you are around triggers............that's pretty tough because that's a biological response of adrenaline pumping through your system...........really hard to overcome.
Be thinking of you...........please start practicing, you may see some improvement over time.

 

[Cr8ingMagic]

I would like to add to what TLite said, meditation does help, but I struggled with learning how to meditate for a long time because I would just get frustrated by all the thoughts, and I couldn't seem to make them STOP! Then I read this book that said that when you are meditating, if your mind is going a million miles a minute, just say "Beep" out loud. You aren't giving energy to the thoughts by trying to chase them away, you just sort of short-circuit them.

The first time I tried it, I sounded like a malfunctioning computer, beep, beep, beep, beep.... My mind started freaking out and throwing any random thought it could come up with at me, and then, finally, after about five minutes, it gave up and stopped, and there was total, beautiful, complete, peaceful silence.

How do we cope with the aftermath of something as horrifying as what you have gone through and its effects? By searching for inner peace in any way that we can, that is one thing that those who have caused chaos and suffering in our lives cannot take from us, our own power to be peaceful no matter how bad it gets. Like in "Life is Beautiful," the circumstances of the movie are probably the only thing that seems comparable to what some of us have gone through, but somehow, he found a way to keep his abusers from having power over him.

Wishing you inner peace....

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello sessnme,

One thing I found that has worked for me is practising mindfulness. At the moment, concentrate on exactly for a minute what you see around you, smell, who and what is there, etc. - you have to "stop" your mind for a minute to do it. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Also, try to do deep breathing at moment.
-Sometimes for me helps "break up" the panic, painfulness, regret, sadness, thoughts etc. that start ripping away at me.
Took me some practise.

Hope this helps a little.
Peace to you.
:smile:

 

[sessnme]

All above ideas sound great. I am going to do some research and see if I can find a "meditation place" around where I live. I think that just me sitting around alone and not having any real teaching isn't helping because I am probably just making my mind worse.

I live in a very small community (originally from Philly) now and everyone around has the "forget it and it won't bother you" outlook. They have no idea what I have been through, for that matter nothing like it has ever happened around this area. People seem to just look away when someone needs help. The t's I see help somewhat but it feels that they are really only there to "guide" me and tell me why I feel the way I do. They tell me it will help, we'll see. I am very skeptical.

Thanks for all responses. I will try many of your ideas and let you all know how I fare. please continue to post as I am willing to try anything at this point.

My head hurts all of the time. It has become normal to have a headache. If for some reason my head doesn't hurt I feel bad on the inside. I will get through this. Just gets frustrating after 9 years of not knowing how to fix myself.

Thanks
Aaron

 

[uplate]

I found two things worked at different times.

One was to overload my senses with something soothing to slow the train of thought and give me something external to focus on so I'd have calm music or white noise such as from one of those subliminal CDs, low light, a good warm room, some incense and a lay down and let it wash over me.

Other times any kind of stimulation increased the racing, one thought would go off on ten different tangents, the tangents would then go off on tangents, some kind of stimulation would provoke another thought and it would go off on tangents ... all at the same time, on it would go like dominos and next I knew I had a migraine headache. I'd have to lay down in a quiet room with no light, no smells, comfortable clothes, any stimulation would set it off till it had calmed right down.

Therapy can bring things up and you will get an increase in symptoms if it goes too fast or too deep too soon.

I don't know I'm just guessing here but you said LSD had helped? It comes from ergot if you want to look it up and it does more than the obvious. Derivatives of it are being trialed in medicine to treat a variety of conditions. It may or may not be relevant.

Another possibility is allergy and side effects, maybe something in your environment, a type of food or something the doc has given you doesn't agree with you, harmless as allergies sound they can cause anxiety and racing thoughts amongst other things and no amount of CBT etc will make it subside because it's physical. Psychs are becoming more aware of this factor, in some practices allergy testing is the first recomendation so I'm suprised no one has suggested it to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aaron- it is not your fault, and nothing you could have done would have changed it.
You're in a good place.

 

[shari]

Finding what works is individual. I know that EMDR works well for me. It helps me process traumatic events in a safe environment. Other things are wearing bracelets. That keeps me in my body. A rubber band that is really tight on bad days helps, I can even snap it if it gets too bad.
Trying to create beauty in my life. I run a fan that blows wind chimes I find pleasing. I hang my childrens art and photos of us smiling eye level.
Sounds silly but when my mind is racing with the traumas of my life, I have a hideous black box that I made and I go to it and pretend that I am putting them in there. It has a big lock and I make a production out of unlocking it, envisioning my troubling memories being placed there for the time being, and locking it again.
Because I deserve beauty and peace and love. So do you. May you find it in this journey.

 

[sessnme]

Very good replies, all of them! I am now reading "Meditation For Dummies". Just getting past the spiritual section.
I visited my T last Friday and broke down completey! We started a new approach, starting with my earlyist memories and going from there, and I just started balling. I don't even know why. I just for no reason revisited the horrible night of the murders. But the weird thing was I didn't feel better, I felt ashamed. I was embarassed. I wanted to get away from his office as fast as I could.
Then I got angry for letting it control me even for 45 minutes. Since I have started this "new" approach my nightmares have been getting worse. I take Ambien CR to help me sleep through the night, but I wake up every night scared out of mind!
I feel like a lost cause. I am supposed to be this big burly man that can take charge and accept anything that comes towards me right? I am forced to do it at work as a superviser in charge of million dollar accounts, I should be able to control my own mind.
Wow does it get confusing. How can the mind be so freaking complicated?!?! I thought I knew everything when I was young and now I am older and I realize I don't know sh!t!
I have been educated, trained, tested, and challenged at work. Why is it that life is so hard? Why don't we learn how to cope with trauma or at least life at an earlier age? Lets continue teaching our childern Spanish/German/Latin/ or choose any other useless high school class instead of teaching them what to do during a crisis. Our kids are so naive these days!
Wow there I go again, babbling. Feels good though.
Aaron

 

[WarTarrier]

Hey sessnme,

I'm new here (fellow sufferer), so take this at what it's worth, but I felt compelled to chime in...

You mentioned feeling ashamed when you left the therapists office. I can't claim to understand the shame thing, but I'm a huge sucker for it myself, and I think you should be lauded for overcoming it enough to even be able to get some things out and to let yourself cry - that takes a huge amount of courage (more than many possess). You said you didn't feel better after that session - maybe you just need more time. Maybe you'll feel some relief after another session like that one, or another 2 or 3? It can take time - don't get discouraged or down on yourself.

You asked an interesting question. Are you supposed to be a big burly man who can take charge and accept anything that comes towards you? Or are you, maybe, allowed to be just a bit human, and be affected by terrible things that happen? Could it be that one of the true measures of a man is his capacity for compassion and feeling? If that is true, then could it be that those men who are affected in some way by events they endure are somehow possessed of a manhood equal to (or perhaps even greater than) the manhood of those who are not? Which is the better man - the man one who feels, cares too much, or the one who feels, cares nothing for anyone at all?

Could it be that you are a good man - a strong man - who is a victim of terrible injuries, and is fighting courageously each day towards survival and recovery?

These are just some questions that I had. The answers, I guess, will be your own...

Courage,
T

 

[TLight]

Aaron;
It sounds like you have just begun to really process this stuff. It will be more difficult for awhile, what seems like a long while. For awhile, I felt like I was truly losing my mind, truly. Like I was being ripped and turned inside out like an old sock. I wondered why I ever even got into therapy....in fact, I hated that I did, but my only other choice at the time was to die.

Meditation takes mucho discipline, but for years just lying down and practicing feeling my whole body at ease, melting into the universe, watching thoughts and not grasping them. It truly has brought me some peace over time.

Anyway, just wanted to say.....I know how much you are suffering now. Don't add any more to it by berating yourself. You are stronger than most men will ever know. You have been tested. Please, at times I know it feels like you are just barely hanging on by the thinnest of threads.......but please, do whatever you need to do to take care of you through this. If that means a night or two in the hospital, disability for awhile to lighten your burdens, sitting on a beach hour after hour..........Healing is the most important thing we will ever do in our lives. And I bless you in yours....
Terri