Minimisation

[ninja]

Weird, and very unpleasant and illogical, but recurring enough that I've recognized it as a habit and pattern of reaction.

Maddog, maybe I am totally off base here (apologies!) but to me it doesn't sound weird or illogical! The underlying fear is of intense and unrelenting isolation... is that a familiar feeling from your childhood? If so, maybe you are trying to process the emotion in certain forms without having to directly deal with the traumatic events (I think Venusian was getting at this now that I look back).

I think that kids do a form of this in play therapy. They can control the actions of their play, but simultaneously allow the emotions to come through. For me, I felt that the sense of control was extremely important to retain and protect because it kept me grounded and present in reality, but permitted a deep and cathartic form of expression. I look back now to the themes imbedded in all of my play and can recognize the helplessness, fear, abandonment and others... I was feeling it, but I never played that it was me. I was a tiger or cheetah or a balloon that kept flying away, or it was my dolls who were trapped somewhere.

So maybe it is "easier" (relatively speaking!) to deal with the isolation independent of what initially caused it, and just another layer of processing? Personally, I don't feel people maximize things unless the events hold that much value/emotion for them in some way... in which case I don't think it classifies as maximization!

I find that when I label my reactions as overreactions I oftentimes will tell myself that I'm "making this into too big of a deal", which actually sounds a lot like minimizing behavior. I've discovered that there is usually meaning behind emotional "extremes" (this, of course being relative). I fight with myself daily over the idea that I must trust in my own ability to manifest the appropriate intensity and type of emotion. To not have "enough" means that nothing affected me, to have "too much" means I am lying or exaggerating. The longer I let this go, the closer the two "boundaries" became, to the point where I no longer allowed myself to have any emotion because none of it was "appropriate".

 

[Meadowsweet]

Could someone explain what they mean by maximising the little stuff?

Sometimes I will find myself getting into a state of panic over having to make a phone call to pay a bill, or sort something out financially, driving on motorways is another small thing that will bring on a panic attack (very scary when driving).

But I find that when I let out the trauma memory, that I'm trying to say isn't effecting me that much, then I find that the anxiety about the little stuff goes down.

 

[Abstract]

Wow. OK. Thanks. Maybe that is the same for me too. I need to watch this. Especially if it goes down when I face trauma.

I was thinking I don't overreact to small stuff. I am the one that people come to in mini crises; I am the one that deals with the spider or deals with the hornets nest. I am the one that talks down the aggressive idiot. I am not afraid of heights or dogs or swimming.

But when you put it like that then that is totally me. Answering a text or phone call is often impossible. I can't get myself into therapy for goodness sake. I can't sleep on a bed and I can freak out and jump out of my skin for the slightest unexpected noise. Words potentially wound me.

 

[Murakami]

So I'm starting to see that minimising doesn't help, it causes more problems. (..)
This is because when I deny, detach or minimise, my mind brings up those feelings and memories in other ways that I have no control over.

First off, ty for bringing this up, I felt terribly at home with too many of the descriptions above!

Shortterm relief
The strategies we instinctively use to survive our own families or trauma, are too often strategies we continue to use later on in life. And even more damaging, because we as humans are wired to seek out what we know. Repeating abusive behaviour in other forms is what we often unconsciously continue to do. (guilty!)

Outdated strategy
In other words, the very efficient methods my system used when I was a child are now out of date. But my system does not understand this.
* Trying to be good enough led to perfectionism both in myself and others. Pretend control.
* Overexaggerated self-reliance. I convinced myself I don't need anyone. Cause having a true intimate relationship is one of the things I both long for and is the most scared of.
* disassociate: complete sealing off anything that reminds me of what happened makes my life so unbalanced. It's like I'm split into different parts or personalities.
* numbing: it's freeze part of the fight-flight response. To NOT FEEL ANYTHING seems easier than to acknowledge and deal with my troublesome feelings.
* Trust issues: oversensitive. No explanation needed, I guess.

Consequences
The aftermath of all the things I instinctively do to protect myself are enormous. More than that, it's as you point out, Meadowsweet, counterproductive to the life I want and human being I wish to be. It takes a gigantic leap of courage, tenacity and presence in the present, oh and black humour, to even take babysteps in the right direction. But the few things I have managed to change, are sooo worth it. It's an ongoing battle though.

 

[Melissa D]

As a child my mom always called me a drama queen or a queen bee. I heard it so often that I actually believed that is what my given name meant. As I got older, to avoid being discounted, I would minimize also. I coped by telling myself that other people were worse off than me. I even do it now when I have marital problems. "It could be worse, he could be beating me." One day I (we) will be able to say yes this happened to me and it was horrible!

Melissa

 

[Abstract]

There is more I want to say and I will come back but wanted to ask if anyone else finds that one part of the minimisation is also about self abuse and punishment? It feels like an internal self aggressor. I have looked up about introjects a bit too. I realise that too could have a secondary function. Anyone?

 

[Melissa D]

I agree that self-punishment and abuse definitely become part of the minimization cycle. The more I try to downplay my thoughts or feelings I find myself trying to be more perfect, which inevitably fails. I tried the theory of having my past "all out in the open" or telling every person that I became connected to what I deal with but that totally back-fired. Instead of accepting that that was 1 aspect of my personality, it began defining me again. "Oh, but you went through....that's why you act that way." I hate that!

In order to not be called the drama queen by my parents, I became a control freak. Then to overcome those failed strategies I just laid it all out there for everyone to see. This is it, Take it or Leave it! Most people would leave it. Inevitably I had created drama without even realizing it. I am still trying to figure out what it means to "Just be me". The Dissociation, Self-reliance, Over-sensitivity, Guilt/Trust problems are like a merry-go-round that are intertwined with a house of horrors full of smoke and mirrors. Does anyone ever find the balance?

 

[maddog]

Abstract, I self abuse savagely through minimisation, right down to the language I use, both internally and externally, to describe my life and challenges. It's a particularly vicious form of self mockery sometimes, and often when I do it, I feel a little not quite myself and realise that my language is beginning to take on the tone and style of either or both of my parents. when it comes to minimising, I think I channel my mother mostly, because that kind of tactic was more her style than his.

It's frightening how much I do this unconsciously, and disturbing how much I do it consciously. Sometimes I think that to minimise reality is the greatest self abuse, because it equates to the ultimate invalidation, and I have come to believe that invalidation is one of the most damaging psychological experiences to endure.

Maddog

 

[zaniara]

Personally, I don't feel people maximize things unless the events hold that much value/emotion for them in some way... in which case I don't think it classifies as maximization!

Oh, what a punch line! You really hit the head on the nail there. :D I guess that I sometimes minimize my feelings by calling them maximizations.. :D

Everyone has written so much good stuff in here, and it has really made me think a A LOT about this! And I really needed this discussion. It helps a lot. I wish I could respond to a lot of the stuff written now, but my head is not really in the right place to do that right now.

It seems more and more to me that minimization is among the worst kinds of lies there is.. And one of the worst and most dangerous things, not only for me on a personal level, but when it comes to the society as well.. (Minimization, victim-blaming etc. and then outright lies to cover up and not being forced to deal with what's going on. :mad: )

I just used the word to tell my mother how she actually is hurting me today when she does that. = Minimize everything that happened, and how bad it was. I told her that when she did it back then it was one thing(then it might have been a coping-mechanism), but that she still is doing it on a daily basis is hurting me, and making me feel so alone and sometimes crazy. Man how good it felt to dare to say something like that to her when she said that she sometimes thinks about and feel upset about that she didn't protect us and leave him! (Since the fact that she says that doesn't help, when she still isn't doing anything to help me now.)

 

[zaniara]

I self abuse savagely through minimisation, right down to the language I use, both internally and externally, to describe my life and challenges.

Me too!!

if anyone else finds that one part of the minimisation is also about self abuse and punishment? It feels like an internal self aggressor.

Yes, me too! As maddog said it's unconsciously though a lot of the times. But people can get upset when they hear how I think, so I guess it's pretty serious stuff.. They talk about how I berate my self a lot, when I do this.. Minimize it all/my feelings/reactions/the value of my thoughts etc. My therapist is working overtime to try and get me to see this, and help me change it.

One day I (we) will be able to say yes this happened to me and it was horrible!

:tup: I just relate to much to what you wrote, but I like those last words SO much! They're powerful! :)

I think that day is beginning to sneak up on me: but it's making things really hard to handle and cope with! Since it stirs up so much anger/rage in me that I don't know how to handle it all!

 

[Murakami]

It's frightening how much I do this unconsciously, and disturbing how much I do it consciously. Sometimes I think that to minimise reality is the greatest self abuse, because it equates to the ultimate invalidation, and I have come to believe that invalidation is one of the most damaging psychological experiences to endure. Maddog

Agree! It's like my own little mental prison just in case things are going well, I can always manage to doubt myself out of it. I believe it's called "negative self-talk" in psychology terms.

Even when having a bad day and looking in the mirror and I see the distorted view. I can't stop it. If anyone got ideas, pls share:)

 

[Britt.f7]

I tell myself things about my trauma's that definitely downplay what they felt like at the time. As if it makes them less traumatic. The, well this was the way it was back then, or well at least it wasn't worse. I remember telling my dad about the attack when I was older and him telling me another horrific story "at least it wasn't that bad" and being able to tell him that I knew he was trying to make things better but that it really wasn't. That those stories, of which he is famous for, really just make me feel worse.

I'm trying to do what I did with my dad back then but with myself. I'm trying to remind myself that, yes, it may have been the way it was back then but it still effected me. That it may not be worse then another's, but it was mine, and it was bad for me.