Relationship Miracle recovery: happy but also suspicious

[WTF Happened]

@Snowflakes I agree therapy is a huge benefit. As a matter of fact, something my therapist and I are focusing on right now is how not to take things personally. Turns out, it’s very, very difficult.

I’m curious if there is anything you’ve done to make yourself feel so solid that even if she were to leave you know you’d ultimately be okay? I imagine it’s one thing to have coping strategies to weather the storm, it’s another to not have to fear what life will be like if the storm were to ever sweep the relationship away.

 

[Hojay]

not to take things personally

Just in my own personal experience, this has been a real balancing act. It's good to not take things personally, but when something hurts, it hurts. There is no amount of rationalizing that will change that. For example, I was very able to not take his bouts of isolation personally. He communicated well and I knew where I was at. His outbursts, however, WERE personal at that moment, no matter how much they were caused by his symptoms.

Trying to not take things personally sometimes served to make it very difficult for me to hear and trust my own boundaries. They are important, they are real, no matter what may have caused the other to do/say something hurtful.

I am of two minds when it comes to "not taking things personally." Yes, recognize your separateness as human beings and his/her autonomy to express and demand what she/he needs, but do not train yourself to not take something personally (i.e. ignore that something hurts) to accommodate unacceptable behavior.

not have to fear what life will be like if the storm were to ever sweep the relationship away

This is interesting, and I think it pertains to all relationships, PTSD infused or not. I think this all goes back to self-worth and self-acceptance. If you have a clean conscience, love yourself unconditionally, and respect, honor, and cherish your own needs as equal to others, someone walking out will hurt but not obliterate. I think this kind of self love takes a lifetime to learn. Sometimes longer. It's a constant practice. Oh, and just doing your own thing, for yourself and by yourself, is the best foundation. Work, friendships, dreams, and plans. They will be there, they are yours, no matter who comes and goes.

 

[WTF Happened]

@Hojay you should read the book “The Four Agreements.” Specifically, the second agreement, “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” The author explains that even when an attack on you IS personal in nature, it’s not. The person is dealing with their own perceptions of the world, their own fear, their own anger. He goes as far as to say that even if somebody were to shoot you in the head, it’s not personal. It may look like an attack on you on the surface, but the action they are taking has to do with what is going on in their head - nothing you said or did.

 

[Friday]

The author explains that even when an attack on you IS personal in nature, it’s not. The person is dealing with their own perceptions of the world, their own fear, their own anger. He goes as far as to say that even if somebody were to shoot you in the head, it’s not personal.

One of my favorite quotes of all time...

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.” ― Brigham Young

 

[Hojay]

@WTF Happened
Ah yes, I remember that book, and it’s wise advice!

I’d venture to say, however, that before we can give up our “ego” in that way, we need to have one in the first place. In other words, we need to know, listen to, and respect our own person, boundaries and needs fully before we can use this advice in practice in a healthy way. “Not taking it personally” as a wise general, spiritual rule, but when we decide to live by that rule and it hampers our ability to get up and walk away from things that harm us, because, hey, it’s not personal, it’s gone beyond what the advice intends. If someone were to try and shoot me in the head, understanding that it’s not because of me personally would not keep me from trying to get the hell out.

 

[Snowflakes]

@WTF Happened To answer your question would be to repeat exactly what @Hojay wrote. Yes, I would experience a loss if my wife left whether because of PTSD or other means but I no longer fear that possibility because, in addition to coping skills for the present, my therapist also helped me on a personal level about myself. I think the past 10 years of devoting my life to caring for my sufferer, I failed to take care of myself. I’m learning to change that. Learning what @Hojay understands about self love and cherishing our own needs was the turning point in this very long struggle.