Misunderstood in marriage therapy

[Freida]

But I dont know how to get over it. I am really sensitive in therapy in terms of trust. It seems like many mental healthcare professionals just see the worst in you.
They jump to conclusions.
I sought out marriage therapy because of being lied to.
Yet, my husband is the victim?
I wish therapy could be a helping relief not another thing on my plate. Yet another experience where I am the scape goat.
I don't know how to open up after this.
I don't want to make our sessions about this issue.
We just want to be done with it.
I don't really like going anymore. I was enthusiastic. I just feel sick now.
Uggh

Can you start the next appointment by telling her this?? She may have to work at helping you with your fears about counseling with her before she can move forward and help you work on your relationship with hubby

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, I agree. I want to look into how we both contribute to the dynamic.
But she was leaning heavily on me being the cause of the lies.
And that I should "be compassionate and understanding of how I cause him to feel desperate."
It is not desperation, it wasn't due to abuse. I don"t want to spend too much time on this.
It just hurts and it seems like trauma victims get easily pigeon holed.
Or maybe that's just a thing with mental illness, people assuming you are one way.

 

[Abstract]

I think what Frieda was saying was along the same lines as me: that you may need the therapist to reassure you that she now sees you as you are and not as she recently did. That you may need to talk through your fears about this and the why before you continue. I would need that in your situation.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, I agree. I am going to let my husband read this. I really do need that.
And that makes sense rather than abandoning therapy, but I dont know if that will annoy her.

 

[Freida]

but I dont know if that will annoy her.

Not if she is any good. If anything she will be glad that you have given parameters she needs to keep in mind - which will actually make her job easier

 

[Friday]

It just hurts and it seems like trauma victims get easily pigeon holed.
Or maybe that's just a thing with mental illness, people assuming you are one way

So it makes sense that if you tell someone that you are abusive, that they’re going to believe you. Ditto, that if you learned to be abusive from your abusive parent, that they’re going to believe that, too.

So, on the trust front, at the very least you can trust her to believe what you tell her.

I would call this "emotional abuse" and I am naming it that so I can look at it and change it.

But thats the problem. She thought I was the abuser

Ditto... these 2 statements? Don’t really mesh. You want to name yourself an abuser so you can really look at it and change it, but don’t want anyone else to name it, or help you see cause & effect of that?

So what do you really want? Do you want people to tip toe around you and keep you happy, or be up front and honest with you when your behavior is over the line and the cause & effect of that behavior? Because, speaking from experience, you can’t have both.

Fair warning, from having been the asshole in far too many relationships, it’s going to hurt when people are up front and honest. It’s going to feel really, really shitty. A lot of the time. Is your distress tolerance up to that? Can you catch yourself slipping into old/learned coping mechanisms (like blame shifting; case in point it s not your therapist believing what you tell her, but pigeon holing trauma victims), and call halt? Take a step back and see the dynamic and work on changing it? Or will you spiral out into rage & despair?

 

[Scarlet13]

I think both happened. She believed me AND pigeon holed me. I said a few of my behaviors can be called emotionally abusive. Like I will sometimes guilt trip and criticize my husband as a learned behavior.

But this is not enough or severe enough to cause him to fear me. He has even said this.
And this is not why he lied. Not because I emotionally abuse him enough to cause him to lie as a protective defense.
She determined this because I used the word "emotionally abusive" to describe rare behaviors. She came to this conclusion because she said, "I typically see this pattern in couples. Where one spouse is harmful and so another spouse feels no choice but to lie."
So maybe I was not pigeon holed due to trauma, but due to her experiences as a clinician.
A therapist can make a guess about what is going on, but she used her past patients.
She was not accurate. I can be very hard on myself and was pin pointing behaviors that I do (not often) that can be called emotionally abusive. There isn't a single human on this planet who is not emotionally abusive at times.
Her definition of "emotional abuse" differed from my definition of "emotional abuse".
So, you are right, she believed me.
But she also missed the part about how I am very self aware, aware of his feelings, have an empathetic personality, and how I go out of my way to care about his feelings. How he is my best friend. How I can at times have learned behaviors from my child hood. How I am very diligent at recognizing my triggers and managing my emotions before I say something hurtful and how when I do say something hurtful, I will then repair the harm that was done.
I guess she missed when I said that.
Perhaps emotionally abusive was too strong.

I am so hard on myself because I do not want to be like my mother that I am extra hypervigilient and think I am abusive even when I am not. I think I am abusing my children sometimes when I really I am just being an exasperated mom.
I am overly cautious to the point of not seeing my self clearly.
It is hard to explain. But I know that in reality, I am not abusive. I am a good mom and wife, again because I am self aware and empathic. But I am human and not perfect. I think I need help determining what is abusive and what is just being human.

 

[scout86]

I am so hard on myself because I do not want to be like my mother that I am extra hypervigilient and think I am abusive even when I am not. I think I am abusing my children sometimes when I really I am just being an exasperated mom.

That's something else she hasn't had a chance to learn about you yet. She DID admit she'd made a mistake. I can see the potential for dwelling on her making that assumption to the point that you don't give her a chance to do better going forward. You said you liked her, up until then, maybe it would be better to leave things in neutral until the next session? (If she's any good, she's going to be pretty careful about making assumptions about ANYONE from now on.)

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, I hope you are right. I need to try to explain it I guess. I my mother enmeshed me into her. She saw me as an extension of herself.
So it is hard to process my mother's abusiveness because I feel so trapped within my mother.
So, I think there is a chance that I am nothing like my mother. That I am separate.
I have already been told by multiple doctors that I do not have a personality disorder.
I think you can be different than your child hood surroundings.
Also, it freaks me out because my mother literally did not realize she was abusive. So, I think then if I constantly realize and hyperfocus on my emotional dysregulation, checking for signs of abuse then I am ok.
So, I do sometimes slip and get a tone that is critical or patronizing to my husband, but I think that is different than my mother because she was constantly yelling at my stepfather who was even more abusive.
But I am just so paranoid, what if I am really abusive and don't even know?
So it is a trigger to be seen as abusive (as the marriage t did), yet I am trying to point out everything I do that may even be slightly emotionally abusivel if you really strictly think about it. So its confusing. Because as I said nearly every one is emotionally abusive on this planet.
My mother had an abusive personality not just some occasional behaviors.
But I totally sound like some one who is crazy abusive and who is just in denial. I realize that this maybe comes across that way.

 

[Sideways]

But I know that in reality, I am not abusive.

I think maybe you jumped the gun on ‘owning’ your abusive behaviours.

If a couple starts starts couples therapy, and one of them kicks things off by saying “I’m emotionally abusive”? It makes sense to me that the T is going to give that a lot of weight, and take things in a particular direction based on that statement.

You’re at couples therapy because there’s a problem, and straight off the bat T gets told there’s emotional abuse going on. It would be massively negligent of her to brush that statement off. The day you’re being abused and someone finds out? You need that person to listen, believe it, and act. A person being abused can’t afford for the T to simply sit around and get some context, yeah?

Think of it if it was a different couple, and one of them really is genuinely emotionally abusive, and tells the T that on day 1. But then retreats from the statement, doesn’t say it again, for whatever reason. If that person really is abusing their partner? That may be the only disclosure of that abuse that ever happens - too often no one says anything. Abuse goes on in silence, and the victim never gets help.

So your T has taken that comment at face value, and taken it seriously. That, to me? Is a good thing. That’s the sign of a T who is paying attention, and not willing to let abuse slide when it’s come to her attention.

But if she’s paying attention, it also means when you and hubby explain the context of that statement to her, and she gets a clearer picture of the extra issues you’re dealing with? You have good odds she’s going to listen, and take you seriously.

This is a good thing. Confronting? Sure. But a T that takes a disclosure of abuse seriously is doing a good job, not a bad job. Good thing.

Keep communicating with this T. See how things go. Her taking you at your word is a good quality in a T. But having told her you’re abusive? She wouldn’t be doing her job if she didn’t make absolutely sure with hubby that emotional abuse isn’t actually a problem.

 

[scout86]

So, I think there is a chance that I am nothing like my mother

I'd be willing to bet, for a start, that your mother never worried about being emotionally abusive.

I really think this can work, but it will probably help her, help you both if she gets a chance to get to know you better. And that takes time. Remember to breath, ok?

 

[Scarlet13]

I think maybe you jumped the gun on ‘owning’ your abusive behaviours.

If a couple starts starts c...

Thank you for this. These are good points.

I'd be willing to bet, for a start, that your mother never worried about being emotionally abusive.

I...

Thanks for your help.
I am always forgetting to breathe.