Mom coming home from the hospital

[ILoveLife]

Hi all. Sorry for the big wall of text.

So on Christmas Day my mom passed out and was taken to the hospital. She's there until (at least) next Wednesday or longer.

I spoke to the doctor yesterday when we were deciding if she would be coming home today or wait a while, he said that it would be preferable for her to stay so she can be observed as there is a risk of reoccurence. I replied I prefer not to play nurse as I don't know what it entails, that I can't be by her side 24/7 and if something happens when I'm not there it can be dangerous. We both spoke to her about it, she threw a bit of a tamtrum but after explaining what she had is serious she agreed to stay longer.

On the day she fell, I found her inside the ambulance and called a close friend of her's (one that helped raising me) and we both spent about 7 hours at the hospital just waiting to find out if she would be released then or stay, talk to the attending doctor, nurses, etc.
So in those 7 hours her friend basically told me my mom's entire trauma history and how she never really overcame any of that, not even after 7 years of therapy.
Yesterday I spoke to another of my mom's close friends, who, in her turn, told me all about the neglect and abuse I went through as a small child at the hands of my mom. Things I knew and things I didn't know.

Her friends have had enough of her crap, basically. This happened because she doesn't take care of herself, and they're worried it will all fall on me. They keep saying for me not to allow her to depend on me for her happiness and care. I agree, and am putting boundaries in place.

I'm torn about some things here, mostly about emotions and thoughts that are crossing me at the moment. I'm not going to get all triggered now and leave her to her own devices, for better or worse it's not in me to abandon a sick person who can actually die without care. On the other hand I can't allow her to step on my boundaries and overtake my life.

I'm stressed, grinding my teeth during my sleep and with constant headaches. At the same time I'm feeling good, because I realized I have a lot more love and support in my life than I thought.
I know if I ask for it, her friends will help out. But I don't feel right in doing so, they've taken care of her for most of their lives. Well, I've taken care of her for most of my life too. So I dunno what to do here.

I have therapy today, emergency appointment. T is known for being all too forgiving of my mom's shortcomings, not being exactly supportive of me and asking me to keep stepping up in supporting my mom through all she goes through like it's my duty or something. And here is where my confusion lies.
I don't know what's appropriate for me to respond to that. I know the expectation of the people around me is to be my mom's carer, except the people who actually raised me when she couldn't, who think I need to put myself first and foremost at all times.

I'm ok, though, I feel fine despite the stress of the situation, which is reasonable given the circunstances.
I'm a bit torn.

I'm sure some will say I can just up and leave, but it's more complicated than that. It's not just about her being alone (which I already said I would never do) but it's also because I'm finally reaching for my higher education and attempting a better life for myself, which I can't do if I have to go back to waitressing.

Thanks a lot in a advance for any input.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Sietz
Goodness. I am so sorry to hear this. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. I don't think I could stay as a caretaker and stay sane I'm afraid.

Maybe its best to start with what you can healthily manage. Really think that through and think what that would look like. Leave aside the obligations and what you feel is right or want to be able to do just for the moment. You can come back to them afterwards. Permanently leave aside what you think others expect of you. After you have thought of the options and their impact on you you can look at the whole picture and decide your path.

What about siblings or other family members? Can someone else not step in?

Its amazing to get validation! And from people like this. I'm sure it must have been triggering but it must be very satisfying to have witnesses so to speak. How are you feeling? Most would be very thrown by it all and it take a while to process. You certainly had an eventful few days. No pressure to answer but is a lot of it different to what you thought. Lots of new info.

Hope all is settling a bit and that you are doing OK ish.

 

[ILoveLife]

Hi @Abstract, thanks for replying.

How are you feeling?

I'm so-so. I'm ok but don't think I've thought about the correct implications yet.
Thanks for asking. :)

Permanently leave aside what you think others expect of you. After you have thought of the options and their impact on you you can look at the whole picture and decide your path.

I think this is the best course of action.
According to the doctor, she will need support for a few weeks. Problem is if it happens again, and in that case I'll possibly need to hire someone.

 

[Abstract]

hire someone.

If there isn't other family to do this then this sounds like a wise solution. I'm sure in and of itself not easy either. These things always take a while to sink in a process. I'm assuming her friends wouldnt step in entirely.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm assuming her friends wouldnt step in entirely.

Can't really ask them, in good conscience. They've taken care of her / saved her from shit all her life, they deserve a break from all that insanity, to be quite honest. She isn't a very pleasant friend these days either, it would be torture for them. Plus, they're almost in their 70's, I can't ask them to step up.
I can ask for support for myself, though, to be with her when I need time for myself and such. I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping me a bit, but again, can't rely solely on them.

If this happens again, it's considered a disability and she won't be able to work or be alone. I can't play nurse, don't have the skills and surely don't have the proper mental ability, I need to put my mental health first obviously.
So yeah, if it comes down to it, I'll have to hire someone.

 

[Abstract]

Totally understand what you are saying. Poor long suffering friends and long suffering you. They sound nice.

I need to put my mental health first

You truly do.

I have to say anything with my mother and illness, the need of care, sends me off the edge. It tends to bring up much that is complex and messy!

 

[ILoveLife]

They sound nice.

They really are :)

I have to say anything with my mother and illness, the need of care, sends me off the edge. It tends to bring up much that is complex and messy!

Honestly? Same. This is so difficult.

T was helpful, she understood. I basically spewed all my worries and facts when I walked in there. Admitted to feeling defeated, some distortions about life not loving me and stuff :roflmao: She helped a lot.

She did say this will bring all sorts of stuff to the surface, which can be good depending on how I deal with it. She thinks I'll deal well, and said I can schedule appointments as needed (I have just finished trauma therapy, now it's just the dealing with the consequences, as we know how it goes). She thinks I'm handling it well.

I feel all sorts of conflicting emotions. Relief, anger, anxiety, calmness. It's been very confusing emotionally wise.

 

[Abstract]

It's been very confusing emotionally wise.

Oh so understand that! Yikes.

T was helpful,

Thank goodness. Shes sounded a little dim at times in the past.

bring all sorts of stuff to the surface

I guess it could be an opportunity to heal to a new level. Someone once told me that. Different situations bring different things to the surface and then we have an opportunity to address them.

I'm handling it well.

Yay! Credit to you and your previous hard work.

 

[ILoveLife]

I guess it could be an opportunity to heal to a new level.

It's what I'm hoping. I'll take every chance on how to learn to be a better person living a better life.

Yay!

Yes! Yay! :D

 

[Abstract]

Yipeee. ????

Your relationship with her has still been tricky so who knows where this can take you healing wise.

 

[ILoveLife]

That's true. I've been putting boundaries up for months, boundaries that need to be firm. She's been trying to ... weasel herself out of them, so to speak.

Now I need new boundaries lol...

At the moment things are quiet, because she's in the hospital and I have time to myself and my thoughts in the house alone. When she comes back it will all change.

 

[Sandstone]

They've taken care of her / saved her from shit all her life, they deserve a break from all that insanity

Do you also deserve that break?