With people like your mom, there is no way to "win" because the rules do not apply.
Earlier this year, I watched a colleague manipulate the heck out of her--it was fascinating. This colleague totally poured on the compliments, and completely neutralized her in the argument as a result. I thought I would get the backlash from it later in private, but this colleague did such a good job that I never heard a peep from her even as we drove several hours home from a business conference.
But that colleague is in a very secure position, and has the people-skills to do something like that. Plus, she only has infrequent contact with my mom. This isn't a sustainable pattern for me, but it was definitely insightful.
Others will see the truth.
Healthy people will see the truth, yes, I think you're right. But she surrounds herself with codependent, needy people. She has a whole posse of people who think of her as their savior...or close to it. You should hear the cooing when they talk about what she's done for them.
she has cast herself as the hero. She cast herself as god, because in the parable, the father is meant to represent god. A god who allows his wayward children to come back to him. I mean, come on.
Yes, this is pretty much exactly what she said. She clarified that parents are to "represent" God to their children, that she's not
actually God, but she gave no sense of respecting me as an adult who is separate and unique from her, now equal with her before God.
I think this is all convoluted in her mind even more because I work for her. But this job is such an amazing opportunity for me professionally. I really don't want to give it up.
Who in the community would be viewing these videos? Likely, members of her church. And members of her church already know that there's some schism between the two of you - you can be sure she's talked about it before, with them, and you go to a different church.
Actually, she is involved with the leadership at several churches in our area, and even in a much larger geographical area. She does training seminars internationally as well as nationally. If I were able to share her name, many people in her specific stream of Christianity would recognize her, or at least recognize people she is regularly in direct contact with. A friend of mine at my old church recently had a conversation with someone who is new to the type of counseling my mom teaches. The person asked my friend if she had heard of my mom, not knowing my friend's connection to me.
It's only been in the last several months that I've started making contacts with people who
aren't in that stream of Christianity, because that was all I knew. When we changed churches a few months ago, we specifically chose a church in a nearby town so we could get away from her influence in these churches near us.
Given the tenor of the sermon she gave, it sounds like she is specifically looking for a response from you.
Yes, I think so, too...especially since the fact those videos exist kept getting mentioned in my presence.
There's a slim chance that your mom is looking for some kind of reconciliation, and just doing it really, really poorly. But it doesn't sound like it. So, 99% chance that what she's trying to do is get you to come back under her thumb. Which means, she won't cope well with a reversal in the power dynamic in which you set down a boundary. It will probably escalate her.
I think she wants reconciliation on
her terms, by her definition of what a "healthy" mother-daughter relationship looks like.
I've had to set some boundaries of course, but they've been hard-earned. It's difficult to know which boundaries are worth the fight, you know?
She sounds very desperate to do such a thing to you so it seems she attempting to just get her abusive control back over you which is not going to happen
Yes, I think she's getting more and more desperate. She's resorting to the
appearance of backing off, while still judging and criticizing me for not giving her what she wants. It's become more passive aggressive. I'm leaving out so many details...there have been sooo many incidents that are bizarre and painful, and yet masterfully subtle. She's super intelligent, and uses it to her advantage.
I cannot imagine what you are feeling or thinking, you are a better person than me in that so far you have gone slow and taking a time out for yourself to figure out what is the best course to take.
I think this is one type of situation where the autistic "delayed emotional response" comes in handy. I think the emotions of this just haven't set in for me yet.
I am still angry at her, and I do not know why this is so personal to me, I need to take a step back and detach.
Please take the space you need. I appreciate the thoughts you've shared already.
The problem that I see with this is that the kids may potentially become fair game for their grandmother to gather intel and to be used as pawns in all of this.
Yes, she's tried this many times already. That's why we had to restrict her access to them. It's like she's taken my dad's playbook from when I was a kid, and tried to apply it all to my kids now. Even with us around when she sees the kids, she's said things to them right in front of us. The comments are crafted so carefully that we can't respond to them in the moment without looking like the bad guys. But we have to clarify for the kids later what was wrong about what she said. And still trying to do that without getting them caught in the middle. It's been tough.
