Moment To Moment Survival

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I'm not able to view my life as a precious gift. I feel as though it was a mistake or like I said parts of me have already died, so what is the point? It's hard.

That's where I am, too. I know that life is meant to be a precious gift, but I can't always view it that way in my own life.

I definitely feel at least a part of me has died. Actually I kind of view it as all of the old me died and now I am re-building. But the re-building is not easy. It is a constant struggle. You're not alone.

 

[passerine]

My therapist said that while it might *feel* like a part of me died, in actuality *all* of me survived and is still surviving. I can't really wrap my head around that right now, but maybe he's right and I didn't really die but was broken and am in the process of re-building as you say, which is tremendously hard work.

It really helps to know I'm not alone, so thank you again, @JEKBreatheandBelieve. I wish the best for both of us as we move into another weekend, taking things moment to moment.

 

[Kefira]

I want my therapist to be there for me and yet at the same time I want to push him away.

This is exactly how I've been feeling. I actually was unable to speak with mine for a while because I'm traveling. And during that time a lot of things in my life turned upside down. I was able to email him to let him know we need to set up a session, but it's going to have to be over the phone for now and I'm terrified of saying any of what I'm feeling.

 

[passerine]

I think it's important to remain connected to your therapist as much as possible, @Kefira. I hope you are able to at least talk about your fears with your therapist over the phone and hopefully set up a face-to-face appointment with him, too.

I'm still not doing very well and have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges come up this weekend, which has been especially challenging because I am taking an intensive class at school (9:30am-6pm Saturday and Sunday) on psychodrama (a type of expressive therapy, which is my course of study). I am wondering what the hell I am doing in the class and in the program and am questioning my ability to finish. I felt pretty unsafe today during several experiential activities and I even had to leave the class a few times to ground myself because I was dissociating. I don't know how I'll do it all again tomorrow. And I'm just stuck with this sick feeling that I've made a terrible mistake by coming here to do this...

This may be material for a new thread, but I just needed to voice here that I'm not in a good place at all and am struggling to keep myself safe.

 

[joeylittle]

It sounds like you had a tough day - doing exercises in psychodrama while struggling with suicidality would be hard for anyone. Seriously; try and not take it as proof that you can't do what you're doing and you won't be able to do it tomorrow.

What can you do for yourself tonight? Can you just pretend like you have the flu and snuggle under a comforter and do something self-indulgent? Simple self-soothing and simple distraction are all you need right now - the larger questions about life and whether you should be doing your program right now, those can wait a bit, yeah?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Find your weighted blanket, your animals, and go to bed for the night. Don't worry about tomorrow. Tackle that one when it comes. I had probably the roughest night ever last night, so I understand what it's like to be in a hard place. I had been doing pretty good with not self-harming throughout the summer, but did 3 times last week so I know that struggle. And remember, as hard as the class was today, you managed to use your grounding skills and survive the day. I think that's something to be proud of even if you feel like you should have done better.

 

[passerine]

Yeah, I think those larger questions about life and whether I should be doing my program are going to have to wait. I can't really handle them at the moment, on top of everything else.

Even my professor acknowledged that this was hard work for anyone (and he doesn't know I have PTSD and am suicidal) and said that self-care was very important this weekend as we explore psychodrama. I feel completely depleted from the day and am snuggling under a comforter and my weighted blanket with my cat and dog close by for comfort. It is soothing. And I am reminding myself again, like I do in between every session with my therapist, that I promised to make it to our next session which means suicide is off the table for the time being.

Thank you so much for your replies, @joeylittle and @JEKBreatheandBelieve.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You're welcome. I am glad you are snuggling with your blanket with your cat and dog close by. My cat is resting my lap with her head on my arm as I type. It makes lesson planning a little more comforting.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am about to turn in for the night and try to get some sleep, but I was thinking about you and hoping you made it through today okay. I hope that you got through today's session of the class.

 

[passerine]

Well, I survived the class. But just barely. It was extremely challenging and I ended up feeling pretty terrible during yesterday's session when we had to do some activities that made me feel vulnerable and exposed. My classmates were all very kind, but it felt like too much for me and at one point I had to leave the class to gather myself. I pretty much dissociated my way through the afternoon, and by the time I came back home the suicidal thoughts had returned, much stronger this time.

I was honest with my therapist when I saw him today and he said that he was scared and uncomfortable letting me leave his office. It was a very difficult session. He asked what it was that I needed to stay safe and I said I needed him to check on me by calling, to which he said, "well, you can call me..." and "do you want to set up a time to talk before we meet on Thursday?" It made me feel even more alone.

I feel so isolated and alone and scared right now.

 

[Dark Horse]

Hello. I know that you feel isolated and alone. These 'hard' feelings are hard to live with and process. But you are communicating and communicating is the key to understanding and dealing with these emotions. As hard as it is, DO continue to write, talk, draw...and learn about your feelings. Dialogue over time will help reduce the power of these emotions. They may still be there but they will cease to be overwhelming. Are there any PTSD groups in your area that you can join? Stay connected! To your shrink, caring friends, animals if you have them, to beauty that surrounds us, to yourself. I find meditation helps when the feelings of shame get really bad. After a session I am reminded by the universe that shame is not necessary for living and a person can live without shame in their life. They need to learn this. It is not taught in schools! One last thing: I ride my bike. It centers me and I am looking to ride it to Tai Chi classes and/or a fitness center.
Hang in there. You still have a lot of living to do.

 

[passerine]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, @Dark Horse. I am still struggling quite a bit with suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges, but I am continuing to do the things that help...going to therapy, writing, drawing, etc. I also just looked into joining a trauma information group that is starting in my area in the near future. That should help. Currently I am in a twice a week trauma sensitive yoga group, which is going well, and I am enjoying spending more time outdoors and walking my dog now that the weather is cooler (I love Fall). It is still a moment to moment struggle and there are times that I feel like giving up, but I am fighting hard to hang on and make it to the next day, week, and month.