Moment To Moment Survival

[passerine]

Thanks for being here, @Chava, @Sammyiam, and @JEKBreatheandBelieve. It was really comforting to read your messages when I woke up this morning feeling really alone.

Animals are just awesome, aren't they, @Chava? My dog is big, too, and I find it especially helpful when I'm really ungrounded or feeling frightened to curl up beside her and lay my head on her and just listen to her breathe. I really do think that both her and my cat "know" when I'm having a hard time, and their presence has helped pull me out of some pretty awful places.

I usually self-harm when dissociated / having flashbacks and have been working on finding safer ways to ''come back'' and feel grounded. I like what you said about compression and a really primitive need to be held and protected. In those moments where I'm really frightened, it usually helps to wrap up with my weighted blanket if I can, or grabbing hold of my knees with both arms and rocking back and fourth. I may get some resistance bands and try the other things you mentioned, too, as they also sound helpful. Another thing your post made me think of was yoga. I practice trauma sensitive yoga and try to do gentle, safe poses on my own at home when I'm feeling myself dissociate.

I may actually start this morning off with some gentle yoga and see how I feel. I may also try and make some art today and work in my journal to share with my therapist tomorrow. I will keep checking back in on the forum, too, and just take things moment by moment for today.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

In those moments where I'm really frightened, it usually helps to wrap up with my weighted blanket if I can, or grabbing hold of my knees with both arms and rocking back and fourth.

I do both of those things, too.

It is nice to see that you are thinking of things to do today. Were you able to do any yoga or art? Taking things moment by moment really is helpful in times like these.

 

[passerine]

I did some very gentle yoga and also drew a little bit in my sketch pad. I told myself that I had to try a soothing activity for at least 20 minutes before giving into any urges to self harm. This has helped me to not cut or burn myself yet, keeping to the agreement that I made with my therapist, but I'm not doing so well fighting the urge to engage in my eating disorder.

I feel overwhelmed when I think about making it to tomorrow when I see my therapist. It's hard to get through one hour let alone 24.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

but I'm not doing so well fighting the urge to engage in my eating disorder.

I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I can kind of relate to that.

It's hard to get through one hour let alone 24.

I know. I am counting hours until my appointment tomorrow, too. Getting through the day tomorrow will be easier because I will be teaching, but getting through until the students arrive in the morning is hard. Today I am focusing on rewards. If I can eat a little lunch and get a little school work done, then I will go out for ice cream with my family later. Is there a little reward you can offer yourself? Like if you make it through until tomorrow you can buy a new package of colored pencils or if you make it through until 3:00 you can watch your favorite movie. Just some more thoughts to let you know I'm still here with you.

 

[passerine]

Thank you so much for being here, @JEKBreatheandBelieve.

If I make it to tomorrow perhaps I will buy myself some more art supplies. That's actually a really good idea because it's a reward for making it through a difficult period and also a motivation to keep making art. Maybe my therapist and I can come up with some art therapy activities that I can do to help me get through to our next session (I see him twice a week).

The animals are helping me ground right now and I'm hoping that I can clear my head enough to get some reading done for school. But I have to make these other things a priority right now because I'm afraid I will fall apart otherwise.

 

[Chava]

Art helps me a lot...absorbs my attention and grounds me in the present. So tomorrow comes quicker and safer and without too much hassle if I'm really into a good project. Definitely worth it!! Focus on taking care of yourself. I can relate to being overwhelmed by the things we have to do (school work, etc). Maybe you don't do it today, and you'd be okay if you can take care of yourself. But, just wondering if it helps you to change environment, like go to a coffee shop to read for one hour and get some tea? Removing myself from my house and being around people (without necessarily having to socialize) sometimes helps me focus on something I have to work on...but I do okay with a little background noise, so most coffee shops are okay for me. Some, too noisy. Anyway, hang in there. I'm trying to get through my day on 25mg less of my painkiller. Sort of watching the hours at this point, but it does help to keep busy and feels better if I move around..

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Maybe my therapist and I can come up with some art therapy activities that I can do to help me get through to our next session (I see him twice a week).

That would be great. I see my therapist twice a week, too.

I hope your animals help you. Maybe after that you can try reading. I can honestly say that I was horrible at getting reading done for school, to the point where I almost never did it. But I found other ways to get through- reading just a few parts, reading summaries, and taking really good notes in class. I like @Chava 's idea of reading in a different environment. Maybe if you're not up for going somewhere go outside or to a different room.

 

[passerine]

Yeah, I was just brainstorming ideas to conquer the readings in my other thread about grad school with PTSD. I have to break the reading up into small, manageable bits, and take notes to retain the information. I actually really like reading and find the material very interesting, but the PTSD is making it near impossible to stay focused! I think you're right about a change in environment. I wasn't feeling safe enough to go out earlier, but there is a really nice coffee shop close to my house that I could try to study in (and perhaps attempt to eat something while I'm at it). I think having a little something to eat and drink as I read will help to keep me grounded, which is my main focus right now.

What I'm studying is actually expressive therapies, so what I'm reading is actually really closely tied to what I'm working on in therapy (i.e. art therapy). Unfortunately some of the material can be rather triggering, so I have to be careful.

Maybe I could break my day up, hour by hour, by reading and writing and making art.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just came outside to work. I also brought food and drink out with me since I was not eating earlier. I finished my snack and am a little happier out in the sunshine. It's almost too bright to see the screen though.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You've almost made it to Monday. Here's hoping for a restful night.

 

[passerine]

Same to you. And thanks again. Nighttime is the hardest for me, so I'm getting extra cuddly with the animals tonight, reminding myself of why I'm still here. The self-harm urges are really strong at the moment, but I'm hoping my bedtime medications will kick in before they become overpowering.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I wanted to find out- how did Monday go for you? Are you feeling any better? I am not, but I am taking it moment to moment like your title of this post says.