Monkey-woman Turns Desperate

[FreeBeer]

Nevermind the title.

So yeah, I'm one of those that have done some years of work already, and consequently doing relatively fine, however, I've recently had to acknowledge that my main issue has gotten worse, namely anything concerning interpersonal relationships.

Having dealt with many problems related to csa, I've become comfortable; I can easily keep up with superficial acquaintances, daily meetings with people, and blabbing about random stuff. Unfortunately, I've turned into an indifferent expert at avoiding anything beyond that, and honestly, it's too simple.

Anyway, apparently I'm a primitive monkey-woman, since the instinct to reproduce is slapping my face more consistently nowadays, which is severely conflicting the fact that I've got the sexual maturity of a scared 7-year old brat. Although a desire exists to tear someone's shirt off, in reality, I couldn't even unbutton it, and it's driving me NUTS.
Ugh.

I know it's easy to resort to crazy shit when you're desperate, especially when there are options available, and I can't believe I'm at a point where I'd consider paying some dude to just stand there and be man-flesh, but fvck it, I'm at that point.

I'm curious what you people on here did to overcome similar fears that involve other individuals, like the fear of intimacy, and if it actually helped you at all; alternatively, how far would you go to make progress?
If you're willing to share, that is : )

Yep.
Ok bye.

 

[Virtues]

When I returned home from Iraq in 2007 I became addicted to booze, sex, and high risk behavior. The strange thing is I also fear intimacy; it doesn't keep me from treating my wife like a piece of meat, and I pout like a child when I don't get what I want. I have worked on some of my behavior mainly the drinking and the high risk activities and managed to get that under control, but I still struggle with sex because, unlike liquor and high risk behavior, I'm not able to quit it all together. I must remain active enough to please my wife, but not so active as for it to be unhealthy; it's like walking a tight rope. I wish I could tell you I found a way to cope, but the truth is when I don't get what I want I internalize, isolate, and become withdrawn. I know my desires are wrong (and unhealthy) and I have no grounds to feel upset, yet I am upset, so it is these very mixed emotions and this inner turmoil I face. I don't wish to take it out on my wife so I withdraw and try to deal with it myself. This of course only makes her upset because she doesn't like when I isolate, but you're damned if you do, damned if you don't...

 

[EveHarrington]

Good question.

I have no clue.

Gotta tackle my paranoia first before I have a prayer at deeper connection.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome, FB, I'm glad you found us!

I have to admit, I've been married for a very good chunk of my life, and I'm not great with intimacy. Sex, sure. Meaningful sex, not so much. I've found that the men I've been with are generally pretty forgiving if I don't want to gaze lovingly at them before blissfully drifting off in their arms. I mean, the important bit is out of the way, right?

I don't know how old you are, but I'm betting that you have at least 10 years to work on this issue before it becomes critical. I know you mentioned that you've done a lot of work, but have you done any that dealt with this issue specifically?

 

[FreeBeer]

Thanks for your replies, and I hope you don't mind me throwing in a bunch of further questions/comments/blah .. got a tendency to pick people's brains apart whenever I can, but obviously ya don't have to answer ^^

@Florian7051 -- I don't want to speculate too much, but I'm guessing your intimacy issues are related to your deployment, then, and not necessarily to the physical aspect of sex? Intimacy is a bastard term, after all; it could mean widely different things depending on the individual, and sometimes it's hard to even pinpoint.
I understand that having experienced active duty within a combat zone changes you fundamentally, and that reuniting with friends and family who may still see you as you were before comes with many challenges. I suppose you can't hide as easily as I can for that very reason, and I can only imagine the unforgiving pressure.
I hear ya on the mixed emotions and inner turmoil; makes it all seem like a total impasse many times ^^
How do you communicate your thoughts to your wife? Does she approach you with her own reflections?
Also, cool to see another semicolon jockey :D

@EveHarrington -- Well, it's applicable to any obstacle one might face, eh : ) I think it's wise to tackle one issue at a time (when possible), instead of chewing the entire boot .. I'd generously toss my boot to your paranoia, though : )

@Mal Content -- Thanks for having me : )
Do you have a desire to reach a point where sex is in fact meaningful? Obviously, ya can't force emotion if it's not there, but would you agree that 'meaningful' is a personal definition, and that expressing your own version should equal to any other version?
Would it be better for you if the man you're with wasn't so forgiving in terms of avoiding his attempt to connect with you emotionally?

In 10 years I'd be 37, so it's not ideal in my mind, but to be real, I'm just observing the business of a female body, right; it merely gives me motivation to confront reality, rather than remaining content within another safe zone : )
Ah yeah, I've addressed this issue indirectly, but have become stagnant since the next step ultimately involves a guy who is aware of and accepts my intention to just put my hands on him; successfully organizing such an opportunity is the hardest thing I've ever considered as of yet, but it has to happen.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if sex with a stranger is a way out of your comfort zone..(?).. but at least the desire not to isolate is good.

Where I live all you have to do is wait at a stupid bus stop, or waiting anywhere, like vaping. I had two yesterday- two!! Nothing wrong with their looks or appearance, but unlike you I am not desirous of it, & have trouble enforcing physical boundaries for myself, though I tried. Ugh. It gave me the creeps. One guy barely touched me & all I could smell the rest of the night was his aftershave, & feeling badly I still can't get the assertiveness 'right'.. :( I wish there was a happy medium. :(

Welcome to you though.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@FreeBeer As I grow to trust my partner, I am able to become more intimate. Not in the way that seems to come naturally for many people, but I do become more emotionally involved. And I know someone is probably going to give me shit for this, but a glass of two of wine tends to weaken my defenses somewhat. :)

I know this sounds like a platitude, but you really do have a lot of time to work on this.

 

[Virtues]

I don't want to speculate too much, but I'm guessing your intimacy issues are related to your deployment...

First let me define what intimacy means to me, intimacy: an emotional connection. This is so far gone in my relationship that there are times my wife starts a fight with me just to get an emotional response (anger the one emotion I was allowed to feel in combat, the one emotion I still know how to summons), though I've done a pretty good job as of late when it comes to managing my anger (pats self on back). My wife tells me all the time that I am an emotionless zombie that just lumbers through life with no real aim or purpose, no drive or reason. This doesn't stop me from the mechanical desire of sexual intercourse, but it makes it damn near impossible to feel any emotional attachment with my wife.

My wife use to poke and prod with the "what's wrong?" questions, but the longer and longer I've answered her with "nothing" the less and less she has bothered asking me. Like I said I internalize my problems because they're MY problems, and I don't want to make them hers. I don't want to make her feel lousy for not being able to fulfill my desires because at the end of the day I know I'm the one that's effed up.

I guess it is kind of hard to hide. I'm the one that's silent in a room, lost in my own thoughts; I'm the one that stares off into space. The worst part about it is I don't realize I'm doing it; I'm so inside my own head. I'm sure everyone around me wonders what the hell happened to me, but I just can't explain it to them. They wouldn't understand; I wouldn't want them to understand. The honest truth is I miss war; everything else seems kind of dull and mundane since returning. What I wouldn't give to feel again, but how to tell the wife that I was happier in war than I am in peace; how do I tell her she'll never be as good?

Don't get me wrong there was some horrible shit that happened over there, but it's also when I felt most alive. I guess that's the reason for the addiction to booze, sex, and high risk behavior; I'm doing anything that will make me feel again. I know it's fleeting moments of emotion but without them I feel numb. O.K. I've written too much... now I'm on my soapbox.

 

[Sighs]

@Florian7051 - My vet has told me many times how much he misses the war. How nothing here compares. How desperately he misses his "lads". I know I can't be his brother-in-arms. I'm ok with that. I can be his soft place to lay his head. And that's enough for me.

 

[Stickler]

Guys to hook up with seem to be fairly easy to find.
Especially since Internet. There are people who want to have sex with me...and probably you...on the 'net.
Of meaningless experiences, meaningless sex can be one of the best, if the other person knows what they are doing. :sneaky:

I don't know what country that flag indicates ( feels stupid ) but look on dating websites that operate in your market.

Meet in public FIRST! And do NOT have unprotected sex.

There's a saying..." To find a prince, you have to kiss quite a number of frogs."

 

[Sighs]

@Stickler - if you hover your mouse over the flag the name of the country pops up. :cool:

 

[FreeBeer]

@Junebug -- The wish to put my hands on a guy is 110% literal, i.e no sex :D Sorry if I was unclear. It’d be similar to a situation where you have a deal with someone to drive up to you at the bus stop with suggestions that you are supposed to deny; you can practice until you succeed at enforcing boundaries, while nothing will happen if you fail to do so. It’s got to do with subdividing a complex issue into something you can handle; sort of creating a happy medium :)
But don't listen to me; I pull everything straight outta my ass x)